Thanks to my time machine googles that I purchased from eBay, I will now present to you the defense team closing arguments:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Thank you for being here and listening to all that was presented here over the past weeks. I’m sure you have all been quite excited to be in the presence of the President of The United States.
President Trump is a very famous man, as you all know. (insert made up statistic of how many people love him). He is also very, very rich. So amazingly rich. (insert made up statistic of how rich Trump is).
Often, a rich famous man have people who try to get money from him. Some of them by very dubious methods. Sometimes, a person of Very Low Moral Character will try to get money from a Rich Famous Man. And that is what is happening here.
The Porn Actress saw her chance to make money, so she fabricated a story about PRESIDENT Trump. He was shocked. SHOCKED! to hear such scandalous lies! But he wanted to protect his family. As anyone else would do. You would want to protect your family wouldn’t you ladies and gentlemen of the jury?
Then we have Convicted Criminal Mr. Cohen. Mr. Cohen as we have heard was desperate to look good to President Trump. So he paid the Porn Actress off to remain quiet. We have heard evidence that he did so. President Trump obviously knew nothing about this, and thought he was merely paying legal fees. President Trump is a Busy Powerful Businessman, and signs many cheques EVERY DAY, and this was not unusual for him. He was duped by the Convicted Criminal and the Porn Actress.
When PRESIDENT Trump did find out, he immediatly got the FBI to investigate and the Justice Department to prosecute the Criminal Mr. Cohen.
And now here he is, the Convicted Criminal Mr. Cohen coming to claim that his crimes were all President Trump’s fault. I think we can all see through his lies, and it’s obvious that this is all a political witch-hunt, a stunt to damage President Trump and prevent him from winning the next election that is rightfully his.
Please find PRESIDENT TRUMP not guilty, as this is your duty as Loyal Americans.