Marriage and Divorce

My first was a mistake. I married a guy who was immature and I believed would grow up. After all, my mother and aunts had done the same thing twenty and thirty years before, and are all still married, and my father and uncles did grow up.

I’ve been divorced twenty years, from what I hear of my ex, I’d still be waiting.

He wasn’t faithful and apparently is now cheating on his current wife.

Because I was 23 and thought that me being in love with my best friend was “close enough” to overlook the fact that she was never really interested in me romantically. Not that we didn’t have happy times in our relationship, but it was not a marriage that should have been. I would not use the term “marital bliss” to describe anything about our relationship.

I loved him but in the end, we just weren’t right for each other. Looking back, I deserved better. I wish I could have been more self assured when I was younger. I would have seen it clearly as I do now.

What I don’t understand is why people get married 3+ times.
2 times, sure. Things happen.
3, ok. I would not date you more than likely, but maybe you made mistakes and have grown.
4? What are you thinking??

I have 4 former classmates that are now on marriage 4 or 5. We’re 40-41 years old!
I can’t wrap my head around this. Why bother getting married?

Sometimes you do dumb things when you’re 19…

I realized on my wedding day that I was making a huge mistake, but I was afraid of disappointing everyone and wasting the money we spent if I backed out. So I tried to make it work, I toughed it out for almost four years before his drinking and infidelity drove me away.

I’d go so far as to say that most of the things I did when I was 19 were dumb. I had my reasons for getting married then, and looking back, it was better than staying at home with my parents and going to college in that town, but I could have made better choices, too.

I would argue that most people are flawed and incredibly inconsistent and that is why their relationships (marriage and otherwise) break down. It’s not marriage, it’s people. And a lot of the time it’s people trying to play grown up rather than actually spending time self-reflecting and deciding if they’re grown up.

The marriages I see that work - and work well - are people that are both dedicated, smart, hardworking and patient. There are also a few marriages I know of where the people live and die by their drama – they love their craziness and they love sleeping with the other person.

It takes all kinds.

I guess I would say I got married too young (19). When I think about it, I probably would still be married had I not finally taken the advice of friends and my marriage counselor (which he wouldn’t go see). I really believed in the “till death do you part” and he believed in living a married life with me and a single life with others. It was hard for me to get divorced because I felt like a failure, and I hate not being good at something. In hindsight, the divorce has made me a stronger person, so some good has come from it.

I got married the first time because I felt it was the thing done by people of my age. Also, my life was pretty aimless; I figured the thing to do was make a bold new choice and see what happened. (“Wanted to see! I saw! I saw!” Like the fucking Jaunt.) I don’t even remember any happy times.

However, I got the most wonderful son out of it, and maybe the whole experience smartened me up some (I said maybe), so no regrets.

Its a trap!

I am ashamed to to admit that I got married each time (3) because I hoped my spouse would take care of me financially. That’s what my father told me should happen and I was young and stupid enough to believe him. In reality, I ended up being the breadwinner in marriages 1 and 2, and an indentured servant in marriage 3.

Was there marital bliss? Only in bits and pieces, in the very early days. Looking back on it now, certainly not enough to justify the anger and disappointment and pain and resentment.

I have no intention of ever getting married again. I have no intention of ever living with someone again. Being single isn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s much, much better than dying a day at a time in a bad marriage.

It’s personal and as such I am not going into my specifics but suffice to say you don’t get married thinking about divorce. Also speak to some of your older relatives and friends and a lot of them will say that they would have got divorced if they could have.

The world has changed in regards to divorce stigma.