Marriage and that...

I’ve been married or just over a year, we’ve been together about 4 years, I’m bored, she seems bored. Of course this is time to have kids, but I don’t want kids. I don’t like kids, there are too many kids

I didn’t really want to get married I just went along with it, I like the idea of being together for years but at the moment it just seems unrealistic because I can’t be bothered

I’m 34 so I’m not a young pup, am I being childish? Is this normal for my age?

I guess the question is am I jus reacting I. A very typical way to not being young anymore or do I have a point that marriage and all of that is a great way to stop loving someone?

Sounds like you should not have gotten married.

If you’re not that into her (and if you aren’t in love with her), you owe it to her and to yourself to divorce her before you have children. You and her will both have a happier life.

I’ve been married 25+ years. You get hot, you get cold, you get bored, you get not as bored. That, my friend, is the nature of marriage. You don’t want to get bored periodically with one another, don’t get married.

In the meantime, do something. Break the rut. Go do the things you did while dating.

DO NOT have children until you KNOW that you want to stay married.

You can try this exercise – close your eyes and imagine really hard that when you get home, she’s gone. She’s not hurt or dead, she just left forever, and somehow she got the marriage annulled.

How do you feel imagining that? I would feel panic and despair. If you would feel anything like relief, that’s a good sign that you should get out of it.

As a personal question about feelings, commitment, expectaions, etc., this is really not a good match for a the Great Debates forum.

I am sending this over to MPSIMS.

If you are bored, that’s on you, not your wife. You need to plan and do things that you find interesting, things that will give you an interesting and fulfilling life. Obviously, it makes sense to marry the type of person who will enjoy similar activities (or at least give you the time and space to enjoy them without making you feel guilty.)

Are you both in agreement that kids aren’t on the agenda?

Before me and my husband got married, we both agreed that we wouldn’t be having children, and we talked about what we would do with our lives to fill that gap. Because once your friends start having kids, they naturally have less time for you and their life focus changes. You do need to have other interests to pursue, because otherwise your adult life is just a bit of a ‘get up, go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed, get up…’ loop without any major milestones to celebrate.

They weren’t in agreement about marriage being in the agenda, so I’m going with no.

And since you’re looking for opinions/advice, I’ll kick it over to IMHO.

I don’t think having children will bring fulfillment to an otherwise unfulfilling marriage, if that’s what you’re expecting. Having children can be staining and difficult, and is not something to be approached with detached complacency.

If you need something to break the monotony, maybe travel? Family life isn’t for everyone, and either is marriage, but having two incomes and no kids could very well translate to enough discretionary spending to do some serious travelling.

I agree. Some folks think the marriage will get better if they have children, but usually it doesn’t. I would advise you to get out now, if you aren’t in love with her. Obviously, divorce is much easier is there are no children.

Gawds, I hope you got a Prenup.

I agree but with one caveat. Sometimes, if we’re struggling, we might think it would be a relief to have that struggle taken away. That doesn’t always mean that we would really choose to do without, just that a part of our minds may be hating the conflict or the feeling of uncertainty, and anything that reduces these feelings is a plus.

I want to second this. This is something that I really hate to admit, but at the end of my marriage I often found myself imaging all the ways I could get out of being married without actually having to leave for “no reason.” Maybe she’ll leave me first. Maybe I’ll catch her cheating on me. Maybe I can just start being a jerk so she won’t want to be married to me anymore.

If you find yourself regularly thinking “how can I get out of this?”, then it’s time to just get up some courage and communicate with your wife. It’s not time to leave or pack your bags, it’s time to talk to her. Tell her exactly what you just told us. You’re bored with the marriage and you think she is too. If you don’t think you love her anymore, then tell her you don’t think you love her anymore. Maybe she’ll be devastated. Maybe she’ll be relieved! It might be a very, very hard conversation to have. But it’s the right thing to do.

If, on the other hand, you get that feeling of panic and despair that iiandyiiii mentioned when you think about her being gone, then you need to find a way to rekindle that spark. Date her again, just like you did before you got married. Literally ask her out on a date, decide on a time that’s a few days away and pick a place you know she’ll love, and act like it’s the most important thing in the world. Call or text her the night before to tell her how excited you are to go out with her. The night of the date, get cleaned up and wear something you know will impress her and go out of your way to be the best you can be all night long. It may be awkward at first. If she’s bored too, she may not be that into it at first. But then do it again. And again. And then re-evaluate how you feel.

You are a young pup. So if you’re sticking around cause you feel too old to get back in the game, don’t

It is pretty likely that you would also be bored if you were not married. Being married does not mean being entertained by your spouse forever, or that you don’t have to work on making your own life.

If you both try to find things to make your lives not boring you will be less bored with each other. This doesn’t always mean to find things to do together, it can mean finding new individual interests. Sometimes doing more things apart helps you have things to talk about when you are together. If you do everything together there is little to talk about.

Having kids is a lot like golf. It is very frustrating when you first start out, and you have to spend a lot of time on your own failures.

Later it gets really fun and you wonder why you didn’t start sooner.

Both are very expensive habits with few rewards other than what you take from the game personally.

Please don’t have kids if you really don’t want kids. If you think they’re a lot of work but would be fun to have overall, then okay. If you think that you probably wouldn’t have them if your wife didn’t want them but you’ll love them a lot anyway, then okay.

But from your OP it sounds like you just really don’t want kids. In which case don’t have them. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the most straining on our marriage, and we wanted them very much.

Marriage never stays the same. It is a constantly changing relationship dependent on your life stages, health, circumstances.

I don’t know if you do all your recreating together. If you do, maybe you need more space from each other.

Maybe you should take out a classified ad looking for someone who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

You never know what you might find out…

(Sorry, sorry… But seriously, I agree with what the other posters have said: talk to her. Find out she’s bored too. Try to figure out why you’re bored, and if it’s fixable. If it’s not and she feels the same way, then moving on might be a viable option. Without communication, though, you won’t find out.

And yeah, don’t have kids. Having kids isn’t something to do because it’s in the script for your particular life stage and you’re ‘supposed to do it.’)

Is it the institution of marriage that you just went along with, or was it being in a long term relationship with her the thing that you just went along with? If it was the latter, then you really owe her an apology, and need to try and figure out a graceful exit.