Am I the only person on the board who was previously in a heterosexual marriage before Coming Out? If you were, how long were you married? Any kids? Do you and your Ex still get along? How long have you been divorced?
I was married 7 years. I have a son, age 5. My ex-wife and I are still close friends (She also Came Out, btw). We’ve been divorced just over a year.
I’m not trying to be adversarial or snarky or anything, but could you explain your situation? Did you not know you were gay when you got married? Or did you think you could “recover” from it? is it just a coincidence that your wife was gay, too, or did you two discuss this beforehand?
How old are you—was your age or upbringing or religion part of your getting married rather than living as gay all your life?
I just find this completely baffling, as I have always known who and what I am, and the thought of possibly ruining my life—and a spouse’s—by trying to be something else is completely foreign to me.
It’s something hard to explain, Eve, but sometimes a sort of denial plays a big part in these situations - a denial that is probably not even recognised. Social conditioning, life experiences, and other factors can lead to someone not realising the truth of their feelings. It might take a catalyst of some sort for a person to realise their feelings for individuals of the same sex are more than friendship . . . that catalyst might not happen until late in life, but it doesn’t mean the person’s been lying to themselves and everyone else their whole lives. It just means they never realised, or it never occurred to them, that there was more to their feelings.
(I realise this may not be true of Homebrew’s situation, but am speaking in more general terms about how situations like that can occur.)
I’m curious about this situation too, I don’t understand it really. Were you ever attracted to women? Still? If so wouldn’t that make make you bi rather than gay? Would you still be with a woman sexually if, say, an opportunity for a penthouse fantasy suddenly materialized? How about for your X? Fascinating situation! 
My objection to the way Homebrew phrased his OP is that it gives homophobes like His4Ever more ammo to use against us–“Ha Ha, it IS a choice!” and more comments of a similar nature.
Not me but my mom.
My mom was married to my dad for about 7 years. They had me about 3 years before they broke up. They have always been civil when they see each other or speak on the phone, though it is very rare now that they do so since I’m an adult with a family of my own.
My understanding is that the reason my mom married my dad was twofold. One is that while she knew that she felt attracted to other women and had strong crushes starting in her early girlhood, she didn’t have a language for defining her feelings or exploring what was going on. Sexuality and specifically homosexuality was in a very different place in the late 60’s when she married, especially for a 20-year-old from a strict Catholic upbringing.
Secondly she wanted to escape from her home life. By 20 she had finished college (started at 16) and again due to her strict Catholic upbringing, she wasn’t expected to go find a job somewhere. Job yes, but the expectation was that if she wasn’t married she’d be at home with her parents. Marriage was a way out for her, and a way to achieve adulthood and independance.
I know that my mom and dad did have an honest attraction for each other, even loved each other. They just weren’t very good at being married to each other. I don’t find my mom’s chsing to marry a man confusing even in light of her later coming out. But then I think that sexuality can be a lot more fluid than many probably would believe. If you fall in love with someone you just do, no matter what gender they are and no matter what your overall pull towards one gender or the other might be.
Growing up most of the other kids who I knew who’s folks were part of my mom’s circle (gays and lesbians) were also the children of male/female marriges. Only later and much younger than me did I start seeing her friends in the Heather Has Two Mommies situation.
Twiddle
I know many men in this situation. Some knew they were gay before they were married and others discovered their ‘gayness’ during the marriage. Few of these claim to be bi-sexual.
Most of the instances I know of (men who knew they were gay before marriage) are older men. Because of the social values of the time, they were ‘forced’ into marriage because single men were not able to advance in their jobs or in society.
Not all, but most, couples divorce after the husband comes out. I know one couple, for instance, where the man is out, his wife and family know, and accept him for what he is.
My advice, if anyone ever asked me, would be for anyone who suspects he might be gay to avoid marriage, and, especially, children until he makes up his mind. Luckily, being gay is becoming more accepted in the US, although certainly not universally so.
In my own situation, I have always known that I was gay and resisted any efforts to ‘marry me off’ and avoided women (in a social sense) almost entirely. There was suprisingly little pressure from my family but I was generally an outsider when it came to parties where couples were expected. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable taking a date just to ‘fit in’.
Bob
Here’s the thread I started when things first started unfolding back in Nov. '01.
The short answer is that I was was raised as a very conservative, tongue-talking, bible-thumping, holy-rolling Pentecostal. As such I believed that Homosexuality was an affliction from Satan, a trick to keep a person out of Heaven. I truly believed that the same-sex attractions I felt were from an outside influence acting on me; not from my own natural, inate desire. Those desires were supressed and ignored and eventually I found a woman whom I was very fond of and we got married at age 25. I was an extrememly horny guy when I was young, so the fact that she was a woman did nothing to deter me being able to have sex. Hell, if the wind blew the right way back then, it was enough for me.
As I matured, I got over my homophobia and was able to make some friends in the gay community. This reawakened the desire I had long sublimated. At first I claimed to be bisexual when I confessed to my wife my desire for men in 1999 (at age 29). However, since we had a then two-year-old and were almost 5 years into a marriage, I was determined to keep my committment to her. A couple of years later, she met and fell head-over-heels in love with a woman (whom she went on to live with for a year) and we divorced.
I think it was more than coincidence, but unplanned. Like me, she grew up in a very conservative family (Southern Baptist) and never considered the possibility she could be lesbian. As I mentioned in the other thread, I think we ended up together because we were both considered “odd” by our friends at the extrememly conservative Texas A&M University. We shared tastes in movies and absurd humor (we both loved Kids in the Hall, for instance and none of our friends did).
It’s an almost intangible thing, but we just felt at ease around each other. Since neither of us ever found another person of the opposite gender we could really connect with, we found ourselves drawn together by being lost in the same fog.
Once we saw the light and the fog dissapated, it was inevitable that we split up and pursue a more authentic life. I feel fortunate to have a son and that we can still be friends and co-parent effectively.
Highly unlikely. Once you come to realize what is right for you, anything else would just feel unnatural. Once you know, you know. Ya know?
gobear, I don’t understand your point. There’s nowhere in my OP that indicates I chose to be Gay. I’m guess you mean the way the title is worded. Notice it didn’t say Straight Before, Gay Now, only Married Before. If you mean the “heterosexual marriage” part, then how would you suggest characterising the relationship? Heterosexual modified marriage. It was a marriage between a man and woman, which, technically, meets the description of a heterosexual marriage. I did not mean to indicate that either of us were Het.
You know what? This thread is making me wonder about a friend of mine. More than a friend, actually. She was probably the only real intense female crush I’ve ever had in my life. She has, for as long as I’ve known her, been stereotypically “butch”. Not in the plaid and crop your hair short kinda way, but in attitude. She doesn’t take any shit from anybody, speaks her mind, and generally runs counter-stereotype whenever possible.
Up until now I’ve pretty much passed this off as nothing more than another stereotype she refuses to conform with. But I’m slowly reconsidering…
There have been incidents in the past which, upon reflection, bring questions upon them.
She had a very good friend in high school who wasn’t very much like her in attitude. The friend was very femme, and very into playing up the female stereotype. Smarter, perhaps, than average, but very female. When that friend began sending her nasty e-mails, she (we’ll call her Medea from now on) acted very hurt. Moreso than Medea normally is. Normally her standard reaction is anger.
She has never dated. This despite at least three opportunities arising to my knowledge. One was yours truly, and twice more in college. All three fell into her lap, and she turned each one down flat. Whats more, she has never pursued one or even had a vocalized crush (I believe she would tell me, since I am essentially her best friend and confidante).
The one time she was kissed (not by yours truly) her reaction was not exactly what one would expect. I think she was more horrified than pleased.
The only guys she has ever admitted being attracted to have all been distant figures. Actors and such…
Am I over-analyzing here or is there some basis for my suspicion?
Your friend might be gay, Priam. Or she might not be. I don’t see anything in your post which seems like a slam dunk, or anywhere near it. For instance, I didn’t much like my first kiss, either. But not 'cuz I’m gay, but because it was awkward, I wasn’t expecting it, and I didn’t really like the girl in question – I was embarassed that all my friends had had girlfriends and I hadn’t yet, so I found someone, anyone who was willing to go out with me. I’m now perfectly happy in my heterosexual marriage. Just because Medea has had some negative experiences with guys doesn’t mean she’s gay – maybe, like I was all those years ago, she just isn’t ready for a romantic/physical relationship.
–Cliffy
I’m not claiming to have a slam dunk. I don’t even plan to subtly nudge her about it. I’m just considering the possibility and trying to figure out how I can be the best friend in such a situation as possible.
My brother-in-law divorced my sister after a by-all-accounts unsatisfactory marriage which lasted eight years and produced two wonderful kids. He’s now happy in a more-or-less openly gay relationship.
This wasn’t a “switch” – his family was very religious/conservative (his brother’s a minister,) and his mother basically brow-beat him into finding a wife. My sister ignored all increasingly broad hints from mutual friends about his sexual orientation, which were there from the beginning of their relationship, and attributed his lack of interest in her to some flaw of her own.
It appears to me that ignorant attitudes and expectations from his family pressured the guy to take a course that led to a lot of unhappiness all-around. (Of course, I don’t have a magic window into his head, so I can’t be sure what motivated him to get married, but I’ve spent enough time with his family to make some educated guesses.)
He’s a great guy, but he was just about the unhappiest husband I ever laid eyes on, and he made my sister miserable when they were married.
Not me but my friend’s dad.
He marries her mom, has 2 kids with her. When my friend was like, 2 or so he falls in love with a close family friend. They even exchanged rings, the whole bit. Dunno if her mom was clueless at the time or what but they divorced when my friend was 8. Dad and boyfriend live together till boyfriend dies, Mom never remarries (hell I wouldn’t either). Mom and Dad kept it friendly and went to stuff together concerning the kids (school functions, etc.). Some people, not knowing better, thought they were still married b/c they were together all the time.
I’m just saying that you need to be a lot clearer about the nature of sexual orientation. Saying you were married before is identical to saying you were straight before in the eyes of the dullards who follow the Christian antigay propaganda. Remember that the Religious Right are not people prone to parsing subtleties.