I’ll start by answering my own question: obviously you don’t.
But in all seriousness, when and how did you dopers make the decision to tie the knot?
What did you take into consideration?
Did you know you were ready, as a person, to get married?
I realized that when I was 60 I wanted to be standing in the kitchen making tuna fish sandwiches for when this person was done mowing the lawn.
We figured after 7 or 8 years of living together in the second house we purchased together that we should probably tie the knot, if only to guarantee that if one of us were on our deathbed that the other person’s family couldn’t make up a reason why we couldn’t be there.
That, and it was a great excuse for a party.
When we decided that we didn’t want to be separated again and marriage was the only way the US government would let me stay in the country.
More seriously, when I realised that I would do almost anything for this person, and that he was willing to do the same for me.
I couldn’t imagine living the rest of my life without him. Apparently he felt the same way since those are pretty much the exact words he used when he proposed to me.
This. We’ve been together for 7+ years so far and plan to be together for life. We can’t actually get ‘married’, but we’re doing what we can to legally protect what we have.
My Mother always told me that when getting married it is never too late to say no, and that if you have any doubts even if it is halfway through the ceremony it’s not too late to say no. On my wedding day there was never the slightest doubt, I wasn’t even nervous.
I met someone who is my best friend, and someone I could see myself growing old with.
On a more practical level, I was 30 yrs old, done with school and I had a job. Of course none of those things automatically guarantee a successful marriage. But personally I felt more confident about settling down because I had a firm foundation on which to build a future.
When I was a very young man,
I was a cowboy
The best in the land
Then she settled me down,
With the touch of her hand.
When it happened, I realized I had felt more comfortable and loved than ever before in my life. I said to myself, “self, don’t let her get away.” So I proposed. She said yes.
Before I met Crusoe, I had already made a decision that I wasn’t going to get into another relationship unless I knew the guy in question wanted the same things out of life as me - marriage and a family.
So, fairly early on in our relationship - not on the first date, obviously, but before it’d gotten so serious that’s it would have been too painful to walk away - I sat him down and said: “Some day, I want to get married and have children. I need to know if that’s what you want out of life as well, because if not I can’t carry on this relationship.”
The poor guy looked very startled and taken aback, but luckily for me he rallied and said that yes, he could see getting married and having children with me some day.
It then took us 4 years to get to “some day” (the marriage bit anyway, we haven’t started a family yet), but we always knew that’s where we were headed.
The thing was, if he’d said no back then, I would have walked away - I wasn’t bluffing. I had made my decision about what my main priorities in life were, and I wasn’t prepared to compromise.
I never understand why some women get into serious relationships and then start questioning whether the man wants to marry them - or gets married and then complains their husband doesn’t want kids. Surely, you have those conversations first?!
Yes, you should have those conversations once either of you starts thinking seriously of marriage. Kids, money and career: the big three reasons for divorce. Better for each to know the other’s expectations up front. Buy in haste, repent at leisure.
I met the future Heiress in college and was immediately smitten: she was (and is) smart, a lover of history, beautiful, talented, kind and good, with a shy but killer smile. We dated for awhile and then, after graduating, had a long-term romance for more than a year before moving in together. After seven months of that, I knew that she was the woman I wanted to grow old with. I proposed to her on her birthday, and we got married five months later. I have only very rarely had cause to regret my decision since then, and it’s been 18 years now.
C’mon, finish it!
Now I’m beggin you mister
tell me if you can
Which way does that old pony run?
That’s how you know it’s time for a divorce. 
My parents always told me never to seriously date anyone I couldn’t seriously imagine myself married to. I thought that was pretty good advice. For example, can’t see myself married to the guy who travels with a band? Don’t date him. Can’t imagine converting religions for a man? Don’t date him. Big, big issues like drug use, or (for me) he’s divorced with children? Don’t date him. (I’ve watched my parents be step-parents, and I don’t wanna.)
I had no trouble seeing myself married to my current husband at all. Of course, I didn’t know what life with him would really be like, but what can I say, I fell in love with him. Enough to deal with him working construction (not exactly steady work) and smoking. And we’re very happy 15 years later, but not without a bunch of work. And he fell in love with me enough to deal with me being a pet-person and not the tidiest housekeeper in the world.
He eventually quit smoking and found steadier work, and I got to be a better housekeeper, and compromised with the pets (keeping them out of his hair when he’s not in the mood, for example.)
So I guess, when you find the person you love enough to either take them as they are, or else be willing to work through the small stuff, and they feel the same for you, then that’s probably as close to knowing as you’ll get.
We felt like we’d known each other forever. It wasn’t “THIS IS THE WOMAN I WILL MARRY!” it was “Oh, there you are. Let’s get on with it and start the rest of our lives together.” A no brainer, really.
The cynic in me generally believes that for the woman, it’s basically any guy with a job who doesn’t live with his mom who says “would you marry me”. For a guy it’s basically when they get sick enough of or feel they are too old for the dating / singles bar scene or they meet a girl they think they would never be able to do better than.
The hard contemplation was done while trying to decide if I wanted to start dating him. He was my best friend at the time, and we’d been extremely close for a few months. We were already the number one priority in each other’s lives. I knew I loved him more than I’d ever loved anyone, but I didn’t know HOW I loved him.
So I closed my eyes, and I asked myself, if we remain friends, what will happen? I saw us hanging out together in between classes, playing volleyball outside the dorm, chatting online, going out to eat, etc. But then in my mind’s eye, he met a girl, and started dating her. He graduated, got married, had children. I could see us growing apart, I could see his hypothetical family become the number one value in his life. I realized with a pang of what I can only describe as jealous certainty that I was not willing to be secondary. The only way I could really ensure that our relationship continued to grow is by being his lover.
It didn’t take long for me, once my mind opened to the idea, to realize that he was the one I wanted to marry. It was a big step – going from friends to future spouses overnight. But it made sense, because we are matched in every way.
We didn’t have ‘‘The Marriage Talk’’ once, we had it a thousand times, in a thousand different ways. We shared the same financial goals, the same general expectation of a middle class lifestyle, the same educational aspirations (different fields, but we both planned on grad school.) I told him up front that I have never had the desire to give birth, that I’ve always wanted to adopt. He didn’t even bat an eye. ‘‘My sister’s adopted. I always thought adoption would be a neat idea.’’ Later on, when I didn’t know if I wanted any kids at all, he said, ‘‘I want kids, but I’d rather be with you, without kids, than without you, with kids.’’
We had the same understanding of what marriage is – continuously re-evaluating your priorities and making sure you’re on the same page while you pay your bills, pursue your careers, do the dishes and file your tax forms. We have always had the habit of constantly checking in with one another about our ideas for improving our routine, restructuring our lifestyle, setting financial goals and trying new things. We are both incredibly open to change, which is perhaps one of the greatest strengths we have as a couple. As a couple we’ve implemented lifestyle changes, from taking up a running routine together to establishing a cloth-napkins only policy to reduce waste. Sometimes it’s just as simple as saying, ‘‘Hey, I’ve noticed dishes have been getting really backed up lately. We need to make an effort to always put our stuff in the dishwasher when we’re finished.’’
This may not sound incredibly romantic, but I’m focusing on the things I believe truly make marriage work. I am weak-kneed when I gaze into his eyes, and I have a passion for him that burns like the fire of a thousand suns, but in my personal opinion, the real nuts and bolts of making marriage work involve lots of lists and weekend chats and probably a few Excel spreadsheets.
It’s true that you never know for sure, but when I married my husband we’d been together for four years. We knew what our expectations were, we knew what our weaknesses and strengths were as a couple, and we knew how to really love and support each other in that deep and abiding way that life often calls for. So we took a chance.
Haven’t regretted it for a second. The word I would use to describe my feelings about my marriage is ‘‘euphoric.’’
That’s a wonderful way to put it. The first time my husband proposed, I said, “Not yet.” I knew I wanted to marry him, but I was in the process of finishing grad school, relocating, looking for work, etc. About 6 months later, we decided that the time was right to get engaged. Nothing about our feelings for each other had changed, but our lives had calmed down to the point where this was a good step.
What did I consider? For starters, my husband is a kind, good-hearted, intelligent man with a great sense of humor. But we also had a similar outlook on life. I knew he wanted kids and liked animals. We both value time together and with our loved ones over material wealth. Neither of us are heavy drinkers or into drugs. I liked his family and really liked that he had a good relationship with them.
This, precisely. It wasn’t that I knew I had to be married to him, but rather I couldn’t imagine not being married to him, or why we weren’t already.
Ok, I can tell you from experience that this is NOT the answer. A shoe that doesn’t fit will give you blisters.
Heck, I’ve been married a bunch of years now, and I still can’t tell you how we knew!
All I can say is that after just one month of dating I knew my future wife was someone truly special, and within six months I knew we would be married.
Ed