How do you know he's/she's the one?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I did a quick search and didn’t find this thread subject. If I’m copying an old thread accidentally, please accept my apologies.

Okay. So I’m approaching the end of my college career, and I’ve got friends who are making plans for their weddings. Now, I’m sure a few of them are from the “oh well now I’m graduating, time to marry the guy I happen to be dating now because everybody must get married right after graduation” group, but some of the rest seem to be really good relationships.

Married people and the affianced, please tell us all: How do you just know that this is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? Did you have any doubts/fears at all when you got married?

2

Jim and I are due to be married in August of this year. I don’t believe in soulmates, or only one perfect fit; I believe that Jim and I have a ton of stuff in common, we are very compatible, our life paths are going in the same direction, our goals and morality are the same, and we enjoy each other’s company immensely. If that means that we are “the one” for each other, then that’s what it feels like. I don’t think we have felt a lot of doubts or fears so far; what’s to fear about spending time with the person you like most in the whole world?

3

IMO I think the knowing thing your talking about is really a giant leap of faith. I mean I knew before I married my husband that I loved him and the plan is to spend the rest of our lives together. But how can you really know the future? Marriage not only is a bond of love between two people, but it’s also a contract in which you promise to stay together through it all, until death. So really it’s all about your committment to each other and how long your willing to go through all the ups and downs of every day life and stick together.

Did I have doubts and fears when I got married? Sure, who doesn’t? I really was afraid at first that I was making a mistake. Being a Christian and believing that marriage is a forever thing brought about some fear for sure. Even the first year or two I wasn’t really sure I did the right thing. But now after 5 and1/2 years I’m pretty confident he’s the man for me :slight_smile: . Life isn’t perfect and it never will be but having someone to come home too and be by your side in the best and worst of times, is one of the true blessings we can experience in this life.

4

It took me a long time to find her (or for her to find me, which was really how it happened), but when it happened, we just knew. Nothing felt more right.

Hm. That doesn’t answer your question very well. Okay, maybe this will help: when you have no outside influences or pressures (for example, parents who want you to get married and give them grandchildren), no preconceived notions (“We’ve graduated, and everyone knows you get married then”), and no peer pressure to do so (“Everyone else is getting married; we’re going to be left out if we don’t also”), then perhaps it is time to consider marriage.

All of the above were true for us. We got married because we wanted to, not because we had to, were being pressured to, or because all our friends were (in fact, two married couples we knew well separated at about the time we were planning our wedding. We continued anyway.) I should add that each of us was long out of college and we had also been living together, sharing all of the little ups and downs two people living together can encounter. At any rate, it just felt like time to formalize our commitment.

I think it helps if each partner is patient and honest–we took our time before formally committing to each other, and we also each agreed that we were doing this without any background agendas (for example, biological clocks) operating in secret. And we were honest about all doubts and fears–of which, I’ll add, there were few, but none that couldn’t be assuaged by being up front with each other.

And after all that, we still knew. So we did.

5

Um, I’ve had a few relationships that “clicked” from day one. That were magical for want of a better word. And I mean beyond the first couple times you jump in the sack. You just knew this was a great fit. The first two were in situations where marriage or even being physically together were simply impossible.

The third one and i got married nearly 9 years ago.

6

I’m staring down “forever” right now, since I know my SO has been shopping for a ring. So far, I have no qualms. We’ve been together two years now.

The simplest answer I can give you is that Dennis feels like family to me. I can’t imagine life without him. (And my family is great…I’m very close to them, so I know I’m not latching onto someone just so I’ll have a family.)

I started dating him because he met all my prerequisites: educated, family-oriented, good morals, no prior marriages or children. After that, we just grew really comfortable with each other. We’re best friends. I feel like I can tell him anything, and I do. I’d feel comfortable with him reading my diary, if he wanted to.

I think one of the biggest reasons for our success is that we have similar “fighting styles.” When we do fight (which is pretty rare since we’re both big on talking things out), we both tend to just cut the conversation short and go our separate ways. For about an hour. After that, we’re both desperate to make up. We both hate being angry, so neither of us are big pouters or grudge-holders. It helps a lot.

This relationship is pretty much stress-free, something I’ve never experienced before. No insecurities or jealousy on either side. We’re just best buds who also happen to be pretty hot for one another.

Gah. I’m not answering your question, am I? I guess it just goes back to the cliche…you’ll know when it happens to you. Also, I think you’re more likely to have success when you’ve (I’m using “you” in the general sense here…) grown up a little and stopped waiting for “Prince Charming” like so many girls do. It’s not fireworks and trumpets blaring. It’s just a nice, warm comfortable feeling that lasts a lot longer.

7

I’m not really qualified to answer this question, since I am neither betrothed nor bound to anyone… but what the hell, I’m butting in anyway.

For a large portion of my adult life thus far, I never bought that whole “I just KNEW…” thing. I figured there had to be some other factors at work, here, and that if I asked those coupled folks who said they “just knew” the right questions, all would be (quite logically and scientifically) revealed.

I never found the right questions, however, because I rarely got more than, “I dunno, you just… FEEL it. You just KNOW.”

Bah. Humbug.

So there I am, happily doing my little bookstore job, happily (if coquettishly) pursuing one of my coworkers, on whom I had a little crush (and was sure the feeling was mutual, so it was just a matter of time)…

… and in walked The Knowledge. :wink:

Said “knowledge” arrived in the form of a fella with whom I’d gone to school, but never really been friends… I basically just knew him well enough to know his first and last name (he, meanwhile, remembered the first thing I’d ever said to him in life… turns out he’d had a little crush on me back then)… but when he approached me, and I looked up into his face to utter the customary, chirpy, “Can I help you find something?”, there was like this little electric “BZZZZZZZZT!” that confused me and rendered me speechless for just a moment…

…and then… “I KNEW.”

(Schmaltzy side note: I even remember that my hand, seemingly of its own accord, reached up to shove his wind-blown hair out of his eye… I was utterly shocked by this (I am generally hyper-aware of physical boundaries, and only tend to go randomly touching people I know well enough to know where those boundaries are for them) and, at about mid-reach, froze in “What the hell am I DOING???” panic and frantically diverted the wayward hand to my OWN head, all the while still unable to say anything.)

My whole belief system was shattered at that moment, because suddenly I was one of those annoying people who simply shrug with that air of righteous Zen, and fail to give their inquisitors any valuable information as to the nature of their infatuation.

Suddenly I was one of those people who “couldn’t explain it.”

All I can say is that it was sort of like sinking into a nice warm bubble bath (if you enjoy that sort of thing, find it immensely relaxing and all), sort of like an instant release of all tension. Something inside you just sort of releases and goes, “Well, then. OK.”

And it was like having my own private Vulcan Mind Meld partner… Y’know, little things, like I’d get up in the morning and base my work-outfit choice on the “knowledge” that he’d be dropping by to visit me at work that day (without our having verbalized any plans to that effect). For part of the day, I might even keep an eye out for him, as I went about my work…

…then I’d usually convince myself that I was steadily scooting Around The Proverbial (Cuckoo!!) Bend, sitting here waiting for this boy based on some clairvoyant “hunch”… who was I, a Psychic Friend???

But, sure enough, just about at the point that I’d inwardly laughed the whole thing off, he’d show up, smiling and bearing confectionary treats for me. :smiley:

Stuff like that.

Now, of course, we’ve broken up… we were friends for awhile thereafter, but haven’t even been on speaking terms for three years… :frowning:

So much for “knowing”, eh? :rolleyes:

So now I figure that knowing who the right person is sort of depends upon a combination of logical considerations, like featherlou mentioned (compatibility, similar goals and values, etc.) and crotch sparks. :wink:

I have to say, though, that I haven’t felt the same about anyone before or since that man (in that I haven’t felt that freaky little BZZT! or felt inexplicably compelled to push anyone’s hair out of his face on first sight), and one of the hardest things for me has been reconciling the way I felt (the “knowing”, if you will) about him and the fact that we didn’t end up together.

Still, ultimately I believe that things work out exactly as they’re supposed to, so maybe my crystal ball was just a little rusty at that time. Maybe Ms. Cleo was secretly siphoning my Psychic Power. :smiley:

8

Well, I got married right after my wife graduated from college (one year after me), but we would have married sooner if we had the time available. Mrs. Lobotomy and I had been dating for almost three years before I popped the question. Before that we were best friends for about a year. That’s the key.

I think the number one most important thing in your relationship has to be your friendship. Beauty fades, intellegence withers, and popularity ceases to be important once you graduate. Picture yourself with your SO. Now in 50 years would you still want to be around that person? Would you still be friends? Do you want this person to be the parent of your child?

As for a soulmate… I dunno. Perhaps you create your soulmate instead of finding one…

9

wow…not gonna even TRY to match ** auntiem’s ** eloquence. What a wonderful story that describes the feeling of rightness that accompanies said discovery…
wipes brow
In my case, Karen and I were competing in a speech contest for Toastmasters (btw…heartily recommended to one and all) and were sitting at the same table. I had known her for some time and had partaked of the occasional coffee, etc, with her. But for some reason, I found myself stealing glances out of my eye at her finely-tuned calf and pondering the possibilities.

All right, all right…I wanted to run my hands up and down it. Good enuf for you?

Anyway, we went out to see a movie (Erin Brokovich)(and believe it or not, yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of that blessed day). A kiss in the parking lot, things have proceeded apace…

but for me, I realized that she was The One when (brace yourself) I could discuss MONEY with her. How much she/I made, bills due/overdue, retirement plans, silly things we spent said money on…more marriages fail on financial matters than anything else, I hear. When I knew that I could tell her that I messed up paying a bill, and she was able to take it in stride…

I proposed to her within the month, on Valentines Day.

10

Some questions to ask yourself before making the big plunge:

[ul]
[li]Does he want children? Or conversely, does he mind that I don’t want children? This is a “deal-breaker” because there’s no compromising on this issue. You’d both better be on the same page. [/li]li Will he be a good father? Spend some time with youngsters and see how he relates to them. [/li][li]Is he responsible? Does he overspend? Does he own up to his mistakes? [/li][li]Does he make me laugh? Can he laugh at himself?[/li][li]Does he listen to me? [/li][li]Is he kind? This is sooo under-rated. [/li][li]Is he trustworthy? So important![/li][li]Am I attracted to him? This should be obvious but I know at least two women who are now divorced because they were never really passionate about the men they eventually married. Financial security isn’t everything.[/li][li]Is his family nice? They are usually a reflection on him. Will they be loving and supportive of you? [/li][li]Will I miss him dreadfully if he were gone?[/li][li]If I were to become (paralyzed, fat, scarred), would he still love me? [/li][li]Do we share similar values? [/li][/ul]

11

Thank you for your replies; I’m actively checking back often. Please, feel free to keep adding to this, but don’t worry about me, I’m not gonna tie the knot anytime soon or anything, so I’m not looking for advice, I was just curious how you know this is the future of your relationship. I mean, lots of people really love their spouses, and have loved them over the long run, but there’s gotta be something intuitive that told them that before they said “I do.”

12

Been mentioned before, but I could picture myself getting old with Mr Tsubaki, and I guess that was the clincher. Just like the movie “The Wedding Singer.” I know, not even remotely worthy of an Oscar nomination, but I love that movie because it reflects the way I feel about marriage.

But also, we balance out each other’s vices/bad points. I’m a spendthrift, so I let him deal with the money, and he does a great job. I get along with people better than him, so I organise our social calendar. Stuff like that.

And last but not least, we both have a warped sense of humour. We enjoy cussing each other out, its like a game, but if anyone else was to see us doing that I’m sure they’d think we were on the verge of divorce! And we like the same type of comedies. Humour was very important in both our families, so that’s one thing we really have in common.

13

I knew Mrs. Mephisto was the one because she told me. :slight_smile:

14

Well, let me just say that I don’t really believe that you necessarily KNOW that they are the ONE. Since everyone thinks, interacts, and feels emotions differently, it’s absurd to believe that outside of fairy tales and Lifetime movies that everyone will perceive or process this “knowledge” in the same way. However, maybe the emphasis should be less on “they’re the ONE” and more on “together, we’re IT.”

I think LiquidLobotomy said it best here:

As for a soulmate… I dunno. Perhaps you create your soulmate instead of finding one…

Wow. That’s something.

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      • You don’t know: you just exchange bodily fluids, get a home loan together and hope they don’t play the bagpipes when they can’t sleep. Somewhere in there many people get married, as the requirements are astonishingly low. - DougC
16

Oh, yes, the warped sense of humour is very important. Jim and I have contests to see who can insult the other in the stupidest, most childish fashion (“You’re a big boogerhead.” “You’re a bigger boogerhead.”“You’re the biggest boogerhead.”)

Let me just add to PunditLisa’s list:

  • Do you have religious compatibility?
    It might sound stupid, but in my personal experience, this can be a make or break for the whole thing. It’s also one of the things people are least likely to change for someone else.
17

Oh, I missed part of what sidle said; Jim and I are partners, first and foremost. Together we make a formidable team; maybe that’s the key. Together you’re more than the sum of the parts.

18

I don’t think you can really know 100% but on that note, I have fallen in love and believe that I have found the one. I have a 4 year old son so I certainly don’t take this lightly. I’m still scared of being hurt but i had this ephinany, " Do I really want walk on this one?" Is the chance at happiness worth the risk of being wrong? For me, it is.