(Deciding on marriage): "Any answer other than an overwhelming Yes is a no."

In My Humble Opinion
1

There is a school of thought out there that says that if you are trying to decide whether to marry someone or not, any answer other than an overwhelming “yes” should be considered a no. The way one person put it on Facebook was, “If you have to question (whether your SO is “the one” or not,) he/she isn’t.”

Is it a good idea to only marry someone if the answer is obviously, yes, he/she is the right one, do it, or do a lot of marriages still succeed even if one or both partners walk into it reluctantly and with cold feet and a lot of second-guessing?

2

That is absolutely not true. I would even go so far that someone who doesn’t have some level of apprehension about getting married probably hasn’t thought it through very carefully.

Now if you are that reluctant about marriage or constantly second guessing your decision, maybe you want to seriously reevaluate whether that’s something you really want.

3

I honestly do NOT think you can paint marriages with a broad brush like that, IMHO if you were to ask both the bride and groom separately and in confidence 15 minutes before the ceremony if they are scared, possibly reluctant and have a case of cold feet, I’m thinking 90% of the respondents would answer in the affirmative to some degree…

I met my wife on a kinda blind date, we had seen each other, but never met, dated a little and quickly fell into a physical relationship sans the ‘falling in love’…we were having a good time…then she got pregnant…being 24, kind of settled in a career and ready to be a mom, she informed me she was keeping the child, that she expected me to pay child support and be involved, but that she didn’t want to get married…I sure as hell didn’t, I had just finished graduate school working full time to get myself through (yes, parents paid undergrad, anything beyond was on us), and I wanted to play the field…my family (we both come from strong families) supported us both as long as we focused on the child, it was not his fault (yes, it was a boy) that he was being born, and it was our responsibility…during her pregnancy, we did not see each other beyond doctor’s visits and phone calls arranging doctor payments…I did play the field for a while, and after he was born, she actually got back together with an old boyfriend for a couple of month…

I worked near her place - she rented a house with a friend, so I became the primary one to shuffle him to day care before work…and I was spending more and more time with him, not just my weekends at my parents (I was a terrified new father who would move back home on those weekends as I had NO idea!), but dinner after work, then Saturdays going to the park, the three of us, meeting her friends, her family, getting to know them, enjoy their friendship…then, one night, I was tired, we agreed I’d spend the night rather than go back to my apartment, she washed my clothes, well, if you’re a Seinfeld fan, yada yada yada, I started staying over more and more…and I got to really bond with my son…

Meanwhile, she had moved into her own place, we called it, “The Tiny House”, two bedrooms, one bath, in a cute little neighborhood, but since it was owed by a family friend, they rented it to her for peanuts…we realized that if I moved out of my place and lived with them, we could quickly save for a house, which we did, and when my son was 2 1/2, we bought our own place…a year later, we were married…we’ve raised three great boys, yes, we’ve had our ups and downs, but my wife is my best friend, I truly love her and am in love with her, and I know she feels the same…we’ve talked about it openly over the years, neither would have chosen the other, but given the circumstance, both feel blessed to have found the other…

What we went through at the beginning makes our marriage stronger, IMHO…BUT, had you asked me 15 minutes before the ceremony if I was worried if my marriage would have lasted five years, I would have said, “HELL, YES!!!”

But, we are the exception, not the rule, one cannot make the general from the specific, so I would not hold our story out as a blueprint for a successful marriage…and at the same time, I’ve seen, both my brother and sister married the love of their lives, gaga, my brother did last 25 years before he finally admitted he was married to a cheating, lying bitch, my sister lasted two years, but is now 25+ into her happy second marriage…

Some of my friends are divorced/second marriage, some in marriage number one…I guess my feeling is, if you question, if she/he is, “IT”, you are not alone, and many that ARE convinced she/he are, “IT”, are divorced and married to other people…and sometimes fooling around because you are both just having fun can lead to a really wonderful life that I’d never change if given the opportunity…

We always joke we did everything backwards, we had a kid, bought a house and got married…

4

exactly…

5

I’m not sure, but I think you may be answering a different question than the OP is asking: yes or no to the person vs. yes or no to marriage.

Suppose you’re sure you want to be married if and when you meet the right person to be married to; you’re just not sure if this is that person.

6

Not to be an unromantic so-and-so, but I think that the idea that if it isn’t “hell yes” it isn’t worth it, or it’s the wrong choice (in love or other decisions) is only absolutely true in fantasy land. We all make decisions every day, some of which have long term consequences or require long term commitment. Some of those decisions we feel extremely passionate about, others matter less, and others are fueled by inertia, fear, envy, insecurity, or other emotions.

I’m not saying there aren’t clear signs that a marriage might not be the wisest choice, but I do think that the level of initial enthusiasm doesn’t necessarily indicate longevity of relationship. Particularly as different people marry to satisfy different needs in different degrees.

7

I think it doesn’t have to be “ohyeshowdidyoutakesolongtoask”, but it shouldn’t be “that is something I cannot live with”.

I rejected three marriage proposals, but all three came from guys who had something that I simply couldn’t see myself living with. If communication with #3 had been better (both of us had problems there), he wouldn’t have had time to propose :stuck_out_tongue:

8

betterlifethroughchemistry FTW. Love, marriage, babymaking are three entirely different things. IME, marriage needs only trust, truth, and communication. Those things come more naturally with love, but it’s not necessary. Similarly, kids are more likely to happen if there is love but in most cases, basic trust is enough (or misplaced trust the reason). Kids come & go, as may love. But conceptually at least, marriage is a permanent union of resources and companionship. Love is absolutely not enough.

More directly to the OP: I don’t believe there is a “The One.” There are many “ones” that anyone can happily spend the rest of their life with. The tricky part is finding someone who is willing to consider marriage as permanent as you do.

9

I certainly think if one or both partners walk into marriage actively doubting they made the right decision, then the prognosis is probably not good.

That said, there is huge middle ground between 100% confidence that this is “the one” and cold feet with lots of second-guessing. Not everyone is decisive when it comes to major committments, and often that means contemplating different scenarios and overanalyzing things.

I figure it also depends on where you are in life. I married at the age of 36 after being with my husband for two years. Prior to that, I’d been on the dating merry-go-round for years and years; let’s just say that gets old after a while. Being a wild and free bachelorette had run its course, and I felt ready for marriage; it was just a matter of finding a compatible man who was just as ready as me. But if I were younger and hadn’t had a chance to become burned out of living single, the decision to get married to my husband probably would have triggered more activity in my frontal lobe.

10

Yes, this. And you have to realize you can’t predict the future, there’s always a chance that a marriage might now work out, just as there’s a chance you’ll be hit by lightning. That’s not the same as a known issue you are worried about. But when people get married while in the rapture of love or infatuation without well considering the potential of problems the marriage is just as likely, maybe even more likely to fail as any other.

Selfish people shouldn’t get married. If you can’t put a partnership above your own petty concerns then just stay single. One day you might grow up.

11

I’d be very careful in making any kind of “rule” when it comes to relationship which, in my opinion, are extremely complex and can be totally unpredictable. I’ve been to weddings between “two people who were made for each other” only to find out that they were already apart in a matter of two years. On the other hand, I’ve witnessed marriages that seemed incongruous at best, but are still trucking on after many years.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the concept of people who are so romantically enthralled with someone that they look at them through “rose colored glasses”. That would suggest that anyone who is so “gaga” over another person to the point where they don’t have the slightest doubt or question in their mind about marrying that person might actually have a greater chance at relationship failure than the person who has initial doubts and thinks the whole idea through carefully before proceeding.

12

People are different. They differ in how much they worry before a decision. They differ in how constant their emotions are. They differ in how much they worry after a decision.

How much pre-engagement/marriage jitters is indicative of a future divorce depends on what kind of person you are.

But if you can describe it as “reluctant, with cold feet and a lot of second guessing” I would certainly not put a lot of money on life long bliss.

13

I don’t agree with the premise. There have been plently of lasting marriages where there was hesitancy and flashes of doubt before the wedding. Now, if you’re literally talking about (what is typically the woman’s) response to a proposal, I definitely wouldn’t push it if the answer was anything but yes. I wouldn’t break up, but I wouldn’t push it. Plenty of people have broken up even when there was an ecstatic yes during the proposal.

14

Everyone should have a spreadsheet and detailed cost benefit analysis.

Why yes, I am well known for my romance skills.

15

I think you need to go into marriage with your eyes open. It’s ok to vacillate somewhat simply because it’s a huge decision. I think that marriage is somewhat on a pedestal in our culture and it may not deserve to be there. I want to say that I love my wife, we’ve been married 13 years now and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. That doesn’t mean that she’s perfect or that we haven’t been through rough spots. She certainly has flaws and I’m sure that she could spend her days picking out mine and thinking that there’s a better option out there. People aren’t mystical unicorns of perfection and we just find our soulmate and fit together like a jigsaw puzzle skipping and holding hands and dying at 90 on a front porch swing. Geeze, even Tom Hanks has a temper and likely cheated on his first wife. Mr. Rogers might have been perfect, but since he took the ‘perfect slot’, the rest of us are screwed. The point I make is that your future spouse is going to screw up. They will be distant from time to time. They will get caught up in their own things. They will bug the crap out of you at times. They will never live up to any idealistic fantasy you have floating about in your head. They just won’t. Chris Pratt had a quote where people tell you that you’re perfect just the way you are and they’re wrong. You’re imperfect, but we’re all imperfect together, so we’re in the same boat. Your spouse is imperfect just the way s/he is, but so are you, so deal with it.

Anyway, I’ve really gotten off on a tangent. The bottom line is that marriage is a big decision and it’s definitely fine to wonder if you’re making the right one. I think the best way to look at it is not ‘If you have any doubt, back out.’ but rather, “What is our relationship like now? Does s/he do things that I can’t live with? Does s/he fight unfairly? Am I expecting him/her to change after we get married and somehow get ‘better’? Are the flaws that s/he has flaws I can live with and can s/he live with my flaws or will they play off of each other and eventually lead to constant explosions? If this person gained 50 pounds, lost interest in intimacy and spent most of the day playing video games, would I still love them and want to be with them? If this person no longer makes me as happy as I feel now, would I still love them?” If you can answer those in a positive way, I think you’re ready to pop the question/accept the proposal. Otherwise, maybe think about it some more.

16

Yes, but do your share the spreadsheet in the cloud with your intended?

That’s the real measure.

17

It’s the only way to get your Monte Carlo simulation adequately peer-reviewed.

18

Now that I’d like to see. My son-in-law, who is German, does a spreadsheet for everything. He had one for planning the wedding. I don’t know if he made one up before proposing, but I wouldn’t be surprised.
They are very happy and are doing quite well financially, so there are some benefits.

19

The concept of cold feet at a wedding is so common that I cannot see how this could be possible. Worrying is a normal part of life. If you don’t have doubts (even unreasonable ones), I’d be concerned you were still in that phase where you think everything about your partner is perfect.

20

I’m looking at it from the vantage point of an outsider, but I think anyone proposing marriage to someone should realize there are three questions on the table that require the other person’s consideration, not one:

• Do you want to be married, ever? Is marriage something you want?

• Do you want to be married now? Are there things you want to do in your life that sort of have to take place before you become a married person, for some reason? Or an informal timeframe you’ve got in your head that says marriage should occur at a certain time, and if so, is now that time?

• Do you want to marry this person?
I’m so totally a “no” on question 1 that the other questions aren’t relevant. But on the occasions when I’ve seen the subject come up between partners, it always felt like the proposing person was thinking strictly in terms of question 3. Bad idea.