Married dopers: what are the REALLY important things to look for

I like the observations provided in the posts, and wish to contribute my own:

  • Is the person basically a Good person? By that I mean respectful, honest, with integrity, kind. Shares well, looks out for others.

  • Can you communicate? And can you put the relationship in front of being right? As I say to my 5 year old son - it’s not whether you make mistakes - because you WILL - it is how your recover - and recovery is about honest, open communication and a willingness to commit to change and compromise…

Beyond that, anything goes. Having a best friend in your spouse is incredibly cool, but not if the person is not a good person, or can’t communicate effectively…over the long term, you can learn to be better friends, but integrity and communication are harder to learn…

A few more things to discuss, but are generally not dealbreakers:

What temperature can you and your SO both live comfortably with? I’m really tired of turning the thermostat up and down and ceiling fans on and off trying to find a happy medium.

Pets. How many, what species, indoor or outdoor?

Willingness to compromise (okay, this might be a breaker). You can be the most easy going person in the world and able to tolerate most anything, but once in a while you’ll be adamant about something that you want just so. Make sure you and your SO can work on these types of disagreements.

what wordman said about being right.

You can be right, or you can be happy, you’ll never be both. This is what I tell couples in therapy.

Look for someone with whom you can solve problems, someone who is willing to approach your disagreements as such.