Marx Brothers Torture Iraqi Prisoners

Groucho and Margaret Dumond.
Harpo is strapped to a table.

MD: Oh, Captain Spaulding, will this make him tell all?

G: We don’t want him to tell Al, we want him to tell me. Now hand me the knife. Why this knife isn’t sharp enough to cut butter. Did I ever tell you about the job I had at a Deli cutting butter? They fired me because they said I was too slick. (throws knife aside. Scream in background.)
Turn the telephone crank. Faster! Faster! Pretend your calling you friends to tell them you lost weight. (rolls eyes) Look behind you and you’ll find it.

Tell me, you rogue, how do you get your money? How do you get your weapons? How do you do? <shakes his hand> This is pointless. We need to use torture! <to MD> Sing to him!

Chico Enters.
Chico–Hiya, Boss!
Groucho–Where have you been? Hiding in the scuppers, no doubt? Well, straight to bed, & no scupper for you.
Chico–No Boss, I no been scuppered. I been noplace near the bar.
Groucho–Oh really? Well then, where have you been?
Chico–I been down by the viaduc…
Groucho–OH NO! We won’t start that again!

Groucho: I’ll want to torture him until the cows come home. Or maybe I’ll just torture the cows until he comes home. [picks up axe, but slips and drops it]. Hmmm, I seem to have put a dent in my ax.
Chico: You can’t fool me. That was an ax’dent.
Harpo: honk!
Groucho: More jokes like that and I’ll be the one screaming for mercy.

Groucho to Chico: What do you do here, anyway?
Chico: I’ma the new interpreter.
G: Interpreter? Tell me, what are your qualifications?
C: They teacha me to interprolate in Math class.
G: Interprolate, hunh? What languages to you speak?
C: I speaka English, how else I tell you what he say?
G: Well, after Math and English I think we should have a recess.
Let’s go play on the monkey bars.
MD: Captain, what about the prisoner?
G: Let him play on the big slide. That would frighten anyone into talking!

Mrs. Dummond: General Firefly, I insist you get on with the interrogation right this minute.

Groucho: Sointantly! (to Mrs. Dummond) Where were you last night? Who was that man you were with? How come I didn’t hear you get out of bed this morning?

Mrs. Dummond: (flabbergasted) Well, well… Well! I never!

Groucho: That’ll certainly be good news for troops.

Mrs. Dummond: Interrogate him! (pointing to Harpo on the table tied down by a few loops of thick rope wrapped loosely around the table top)

Groucho: (to Harpo) Where was this woman last night? Who was that man she was with? How come I didn’t hear her get our of bed this morning?

Mrs. Dummond: General Firely! Ask him about the weapons of mass destruction… they must be found.

Groucho: Ohhh, the weapons of mass destruction. I see what game you’re playing now you little vixen. I’m gonna need to use a little persuasion. (Picks up electrode clamps and moves them to Mrs. Dummond’s bosom).

Mrs. Dummond: (slaps them away) Not me! Him!

Groucho: Now let’s see where do they go? Ah, yes, the genitals. (to Harpo) You do have genitalia, donchya fella?

(Harpo grins wide-eyed and slowly shakes his head no)

Groucho: Now, now, no need for modesty, they must be down here somewhere.

(As Groucho prods Harpo’s groin with the clamps, one of them slips out of his hands. Harpo slides his arm out from underneath the rope, picks up the clamp and hands it back to Groucho, and then puts his arm back under the ropes.)

Groucho: Thank-you. You’re a gentleman and a scolder.

Mrs. Dummond: Scholar. That’s a gentleman and a scholar.

Groucho: No, I said scolder and I mean scolder. You’ll see once the boiling oil arrives.

Mrs. Dummond: Just get on with it.

(As Groucho places the clamps into the groin area, he and Mrs. D. do not notice Harpo removing his hand again from underneath the ropes and pulling an oversized set of scissors out of his pocket. Harpo surreptitiously cuts the wires of the electrodes pausing only a moment to do an open mouth laughing mug toward the camera.)

Groucho: This is a terrible business.

Mrs. Dummond: War and torture always are.

Groucho: No, I was referring to the genitals. I don’t think he bathes.

(Groucho goes over to the the oversized hand held electrical switch (you know, the kind in Frankenstein movies)

Groucho: All right you mass murderer I’ll give you a little taste of what will happen if you don’t talk.

(Groucho engages the switch and Harpo pretends he’s being electrocuted.)

Groucho: So will you talk?

(Harpo does a crazed smile looks and shakes his head no.)

Groucho: Oh, so you want more?

(Harpo shakes his head yes)

Groucho: You’re a glutton for punishment. (As Groucho turns back to the switch he glances at Mrs. Dummond and does a startled take) And you, you’re a glutton for.

Mrs. Dummond: A glutton for what?

Groucho: Nothing, you’re just a glutton for the heck of it.

Mrs. Dummond: (flabbergasted) Oh, the insubordination!

Groucho: I don’t know what that is, but I bet you ate it. (Rolls eyes, throws switch.)

(Harpo then hilariously mugs pretending to be electrocuted. Groucho tries to shut off the switch but finds it’s stuck.)

Mrs. Dummond: General! That’s enough! You’re going to kill him.

Groucho: It’s stuck!

(Groucho and Mrs. Dummon try to unstick the switch. They don’t notice Harpo stopping his twitching and looking at what they’re doing. Seeing they’re distracted, he slips out from the ropes. And walks up behind them. He taps them on the shoulder and motions for them to move aside. Harpo pulls out from his trench coat a large mallet and hits the switch, unsticking it.)

Groucho: Why thank-you my good man! (Harpo offers his hand and when Goucho puts out his, Harpo put his knee into into. Groucho slaps it away.)

Mrs. Dummond: General! The prisoner is loose. You must immediately tie down this plague on society.

Groucho: So, you want me to tie down this plague on society.

Mrs. Dummond: Yes. You must tie down this plague on society.

Groucho: (rolling back and forth on his feet) So, you really, really, want me to tie down this plague on society.

Mrs. Dummond: I insist! Immediately!

(Groucho and Harpo look at each other for a moment and both move to grab Mrs. Dummond and tie her down to the table.)

Mrs. Dummond: (flabbergasted)

I think Moriah is channelling Groucho. There’s no other conceivable explanation …


Uh, I think your Curly is showing.

I think it’s just Yiddish.

Outstanding, Moriah!

Groucho: Allright you, will you talk?
Harpo (shakes his head)
Grouch (pulls off Harpo’s shoe, and gags) Chemical warfare! (Begins tickling Harpo’s foot with a feather) Where did you hide the weapons of mass destruction? The ones not in your sock?
Harpo: Honk! Honk!
Chico: He say he ah sell them to a fella in New Jersey.
Groucho: New Jersey? You expect me to believe that?
Chico: Boss, the enemy is counter attacking!
Groucho: Are they from New Jersey? Wait, don’t answer that. We don’t want to turn a humorous thread into a political issue during an election year.
Don’t worry, men! I’ll fight them to the last drop of your blood! Now, where did I put that bus ticket?

If I say the secret woid, will the duck drop down, & give me an invite to a Congressional Hearing?

Well, well, well.
The Daily Mirror says the pictures of Sylvanian prisoners being tortured were fakes.
That wasn’t really you singing to them, was it Mrs. Teasdale? You should be ashamed of yourself.
I certainly know I was ashamed of myself when we woke up this morning, but you take what you can get in this racket.

Groucho: We need to get information from this prisoner now!
Chico; We’ll hafta torture him
G: How?
C: We’ll show him some of our old movies.
G: Critics! Can’t live with 'em can’t dump 'em in the East River.

Groucho: We’ve got to find those Weapons of Mas Destruction quick or I’ll look like an idiot.
Chico: You don’t need no help!
G: Spread out and look everywhere!
They look all sorts of improbable places totally ignoring huge Thermo-nuculear device sitting Center Stage. After a minute or so they meet again.
Groucho: Find anything?
Chico: Just this. (Hands Groucho photo. Close up on photo of nearly nude Fabio.)
G: What’s this?
C: A weapon of miss destruction.