Gone With the Wind
Scarlett read the daily paper’s remains
Seeking truth from battle refrains
Told Rhett at the dance
To expect help from France
Said Rhett “Newspapers addle women’s brains”
The works of J.L. Borges
A fab Argentine name of Jorges
For rhythme’s sake had the surname of Borges
He outlasted Evita in time
but by then was quite blind
so in his works he made of colors an orgy
A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote
I declare Buddy, it’s now fruitcake weather
You know sweetie I wonder just whether
the president ate our cake
it took our last cent to make
but who cares as long as we stay together
Oedipus Rex
There was once a young king (chorus strophe)
who took for his wife quite a trophy
He became first king of Thebes
but he left King of dweebs
and one blind motherf*cka (antistrophe)
The Count of Monte Cristo
Behold the Count of Monte Cristo,
A poor sailorman turned aristo.
He escaped the Bastille,
Sweet revenge he did deal,
Then he and Haydee hit the disco.
The Andromeda Strain by Michael Chrichton
The once was a meteor from space
as small as a little flea’s face.
It could turn blood
to genetic mud
in three seconds flat post haste!
The Collected Works of the Marquis de Sade
When faced with your floggin’ and porkin’
We can tell that your brain ain’t workin’
You think you’re so tough
But you’ll soon cry enough
If you pull this with Andrea Dworkin
Charley and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl:
There once was a lad name of Charley.
Wretchedly poor, he ate nothing but barley.
But that all changed when he veered
Into a fact’ry most weird
But now he owns it! Ain’t that just gnarley?
More Dr. Suess: Marvin K. Mooney
Mooney, Marvin K.
Will you please go away.
The reference’s too late.
The world’s post-Watergate.
You’re based on Nixon. * Oy veh! *.
In God We Trust; All Others Pay Cash by Jean Shepard:
A writer and friend reminisce
About childhood days that they miss
Of guns, tops and toys
Of boys being boys
And Ollie Hoopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss.
A Beautiful Mind by Sylvia Nasar:
John Nash: Mathmetician most wise
Had a problem he couldn’t disguise
A disease that gets in ya:
Paranoid Schizophrenia
But he still won that big Nobel Prize!
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Sorry for no spoiler code, but I’m still new and don’t know how! Anyway, ahem…
Jane Eyre went through heartbreak and strife
when she found out her beau had a wife.
Though the woman was mad,
Rochester was still a cad,
and now he’s crippled for life!
The Mists of Avalon
Morgaine, she was raised as a Druid
At Beltane she took her bro’s fluid
A lot of folks died
And Morgaine, she cried
Then welcomed her fate after she boohoo-ed
The Lord of the Rings
Bilbo found this gold ring in a cave
And one day to his nephew he gave
But this ring was no good
And it was understood
To destroy it or else be enslaved
Ehhh…I tried.
J. K. Rowling (well, I think it’s great literature!)
This doesn’t exactly massacre Harry.l
[spoiler]The Year the Sorting Hat Discovered Limericks 
It really can be quite a pain
To be just a hat with a brain.
I sit in the tower,
And, hour by hour,
I think how I could entertain.
Though I’ve lived through the time of Shakespeare,
Sometimes I just can’t get into gear.
The song just won’t come;
Like my tongue has gone numb;
So I ask my friend Dumbledore here.
He always has some good advice;
It usually makes me think twice,
And it sticks in my head;
But this time he just said,
“I often think limericks are nice.”
Now something in my head went chime
I began coming up with this rhyme.
I realized too late,
he was quite off his pate.
He had been fast asleep at the time!
I suppose I must just go along,
And sing this ridiculous song.
As long as it tells
Of the house where you’ll dwell
I guess it’s not really that wrong.
If the reason you’d like to see Rome
Is to stare at some rare obscure tome,
If the books you live for
Seem to make others snore,
Then Ravenclaw’s surely your home.
And whether it be lion’s roar,
Or worse, a professor’s low score,
If you face up to all
And you’re still standing tall,
Then I will name you Gryffindor.
If you want all the power you can take,
Suspect friends of stealing your cake,
And if you aspire
To learn black magic dire,
Then a great Slytherin you will make.
Those of you who don’t think that you’ve got
What it takes to be part of this lot,
Hufflepuff’s always fair;
All you need to get there
Is to work hard, or have you forgot?
So sit down and put me on tight.
Don’t worry, you won’t get a fright.
I will just pick your mind
'Till I find out your kind,
And tell you where you will fit right.
[/spoiler]
Welcome, qwanderer, to these Boards, and especially to limerick threads… you’re off to a great start!
qwanderer, nice.
No spoiler necessary. No link either. Also, this is far from my favorite piece of literature.
I seem to have trouble following the rules.
In any case:
There once was a fellow named “Jesus,”
Whose coming, he said, was to please us,
Unless we were bad;
So he said, the glib lad.
I bet he just wanted to tease us.
Have a Nice Day by Mick Foley:
Mick Foley was a man with a dare;
Though in wrestling that’s not very rare,
All living still retell
His matches in the Cell
And the time when he lost his right ear.
No spoilers needed.
Reviving a very-very-zombie thread, and hoping that my doing so may be excused. “Massacre your…” come across by me totally by chance, causing me to wish that I’d known about SDMB in 2003. Anyhow – love the idea, hope that the following might excuse the zombie-reviving. I am on the whole a big fan of the late George MacDonald Fraser’s “Flashman” novels: following is, the “Massacre your…” treatment re his eleven full-length novels telling of exploits of his cad-coward-bully-very-nasty-person (but still a bit likeable) anti-hero. I’m skipping his *Flashman and the Tiger *– three short stories in one book – basically for me “too complicated / can’t be arsed”.
FLASHMAN
Our un-hero joins up, ‘cause “it’s done”
(Plus the chances for sloth mixed with fun):
Sent out East – much ado –
Commits ravishment, too;
Future theme-song, “un-earned glory won”.
ROYAL FLASH
A pastiche of Hope’s Ruritania –
Flash plays a king – what could be zanier?
(At knife-point, it’s clear:
He’d not volunteer ) –
And at end, wife asks: “what did it gain ya?”
FLASH FOR FREEDOM, AND FLASHMAN AND THE REDSKINS
Flashy’s pa-in-law sends him off slaving
(To be rid of the prick, he is craving):
Sails to Guinea with Spring –
In the Deep South, next thing;
Where for him, a “bent” court is life-saving.
Off home long-way-round, per the data –
In the course of which trip, becomes “Pater”
To a lad whose keen wit
Gets him out of the shit
A quarter of a century later.
FLASHMAN’S LADY
A dodgy covert Muslim chap
Lures Flash and wife all o’er the map:
Sarawak, Malagasy –
Quite a time of it, has he
To get both out in one piece (mayhap).
FLASHMAN AT THE CHARGE
Bad judgement sends Flash in harm’s way
To Crimea, Russia, ‘Stans – who can say
Whether India’d stayed British
When the Russians got skittish
Had our friend not (perforce) saved the day?
FLASHMAN IN THE GREAT GAME
“The worst of the nastiest”, says Flash:
Sure, in Mutiny takes many a bash.
In all the worst spots
He has hairsbreadth ‘scapes, lots –
Still, comes home with a fine looted stash.
FLASHMAN AND THE DRAGON
To China he comes – luckless soul –
Just right when the West’s armies roll
Peking for to take:
He gets many a bad break,
But as e’er, he comes out with skin whole.
FLASHMAN AND THE MOUNTAIN OF LIGHT
Wherein Flash mixes it up with the Sikhs,
At whose court he does pass many weeks –
Things go bad: comes a war –
Does his usual – and sure,
To mislead his sovereign later, he seeks.
FLASHMAN AND THE ANGEL OF THE LORD
With this one, George showing his age:
Recycling throughout, all the rage.
Novel has the odd boon
(John Brown, likeable loon) –
Chief advice, though – “don’t go past first page”.
FLASHMAN ON THE MARCH
Abyssinia, late sixties, oh my !
Flashy just has to be passing by.
Into intrigue shanghaied,
Emperor’s court – all max-spied –
Unscathed he gets out – of course – sigh…
Final one – in the various Flashman novels, Flashy makes many references to his (as ever, against his will) involvement in the American Civil War – including his having fought at various times, on both sides in that conflict. For someone such as me (British, but always fascinated by the ACW), a thing to cause – over a good many years – eager looking-forward to a novel by Fraser (“if the Lord spared him”) about Flashman in the ACW. Great disillusionment for me a year or so ago, to find on another Net site, in discussion re Fraser’s quite-recent death – quoting post on that site:
“Fraser had no intention of describing Flashman’s role in the American Civil War. In a 2002 interview he said, ‘to me, the American Civil War is a colossal bore. It was a rotten war, it’s been done to death and I’m not terribly interested. An American wrote to me urging me to write it, saying it had to be the high point of Flashman’s career. I wrote back saying: “Son, it’s a foreign sideshow. The Crimea, the Indian Mutiny , they were the important things in Flashman’s life. Your civil war? He was so disinterested that he fought on both sides.” ‘ “
OK, Fraser –
Sadist George, you aroused expectation
Re writing – what you felt no temptation.
So after your dying,
I hope that you’re frying
In same hell as your best-loved creation.