McDonald's: I am not a pet rodent

The BBQ Pit
1

So I went into McDonald’s today for my fix and they’ve installed some new equipment:

  1. A new napkin dispenser that dispenses napkins one at a time, and

  2. This odd-looking stainless steel tower with a small slit at the bottom. The McDrones drop ketchup packets in the top and customers can pull the packets out through the slit.

  3. Hi, Opal.

So now there are huge lines once people get their food from the counter. People are lined up at the napkin dispenser while they yank six or seven napkins out of the machine, one at a time. People are lined up in front of the ketchup-dispensing droid, mangling their fingers trying to get a single ketchup packet out of the damn thing. And it reminded me of the hamster cage at Petland Discounts with all the little rodents pushing one another out of the way so they can get a drink from the water bottle.

Listen up, McCrackheads. I’m not a fucking pet rodent. And I don’t like where this is headed. What’s next? Filling up a giant Hartz bottle with Coca-Cola and letting your customers fight over it? Dangling hamburger patties from the ceiling on pieces of string so you can watch your customers try to jump up and grab them?

I hope you McDingleberries get forcibly ass-raped by that fucked-up machine that mixes the McFlurries. I hope it crams your colon full of mini-M&Ms and bits of Oreo cookies and that the little plastic spoon breaks off in your anus.

There, that’s my Pit rant o’ the day. Now, to head off the inevitable criticism…

To the poster who recommends that I “take my business elsewhere”: Okay, recommend another place that makes Filet-O-Fish sandwiches that taste as good as McDonald’s. Then I can consider it.

To the poster who points out that “this is what they do to conserve ketchup and napkins”: I know WHY they do it. I’m concerned with WHY THEY DO IT IN SUCH A DEMEANING WAY. If you want to conserve ketchup and napkins, you can put them behind the counter and make people ask for them. Then your McDrones can hand out appropriate portions to people.

To the poster who asks “Why do you even go there if it pisses you off so much?”: See my Filet-O-Fish comments above.

To the poster who says “I [work at/used to work at/know someone who works at] McDonald’s and it sucks.”: Too bad. I should feel sympathy for you because you got screwed by McDonald’s and I happen to be ranting about them?

To the poster who says “You misspelled ‘McDingleberry.’”: Too freaking bad. I just made the word up.

2

You should have said “McPit Rant o’ the day”. :smiley:
(Just kidding - it was an excellent rant.)
What about those mazes that we have to go through to get to the counter at some fast food places?

3

Yeah, but what if they installed one of those psych-experiment things where if the rat(you) pushes on the bar, you get a cocaine hit?

You’d gladly wait in line for that, wouldncha?

4

While your rant was a work of art, a thing of beauty, I have to ask about the above point. Even though the gerbilization of McD’s is demeaning, having to go to the counter, hat in hand like Oliver Twist begging Mr. Bumble for more gruel, and grovelling to the McDrones “Please sir, I want some more ketchup!”

McDrone: WHAT?!
THespos: Please sir…I want…some…more?
McDrone: MOOOOOORRRREEE?!
And then, judging from the musical version of Oliver!, a huge song-and-dance number would break out, with emphasis on threats of stuffing you up a dirty chimney. Frankly, the dispensers seem overall the easier choice.

Fenris

5

Fenris - You crack me up. Seriously, you’re one of the funniest posters on the whole damned board.

Has anyone else seen the ketchup dispensers? The slit at the bottom is just big enough for me to slide my fingers in, but not big enough for me to put my whole hand in. It’s like poking your hand down the garbage disposal to retrieve a spoon. (Well, without the nasty blades part.) I’m waiting for the day when someone gets his hand stuck.

6

Burger King. Their fish sandwich is bigger, not so dried out, has lettuce on it and does in fact taste better. I tried it once and have not been back to MD and their filet-o-corkboard-that-was-cooked-when-the-place-opened-that-morning-and-has-sitting-in-a-heated-drawer-since-then.

7

Well, you know, it could be worse.

They could employ the bizarre system foisted upon customers by Carl’s Junior, which seems based on the premiss that nobody, ever, wants condiments.

To begin a convoluted explanation, at Carl’s Junior, after you place your order, you’re given a Bucket in which to put your Coke, and a Number. Often, I find, the Number 23. You’re then supposed to go dispense your Coke, and sit at a Table, where you should put your Number at the Edge of the Table. The Helpful Fast Food Drone will then deliver your order to your table.

Yes, that’s right. A fast food place. And they bring you your order! It’s wonderful! It’s marvelous! You can sit down and talk with your friends instead of standing in line yet again! It’s considerate! Until…

After delivering the Tray to your Table, the Helpful Fast Food Drone asks… “Anything else you need?”, usually while turning around to leave. And you inspect your tray, the Fries, the Big-Ass Burger, the Icy Soda, and you notice the complete lack of Condiments. So, you have the temerity to say “…umm… Ketchup?”

Every time, every single time, the No-Longer-So-Helpful Fast Food Drone acts as if it’s the first time anyone has ever had the temerity to demand Ketchup. After a community-theatre-level reaction of Surprise and Uncertainty, the Helpful-But-Dramatic Fast Food Drone then has to return to the Counter, and get your Ketchup. Please keep in mind that there is no Ketchup anywhere in the Customer Areas of these stores; the only possible source is the Vault behind the Counter, to which only the Helpful Fast Food Drones have the Combination.

There is obviously something odd going on down at Corporate. They obviously know people are going to want Ketchup. They’ve even been tweaking their little formula a bit. Recently, when I’ve had the audacity to ask for Ketchup, the Potentially-Helpful Fast Food Drone has responded in Confused Surprise, and then asked “How many?” It is then the Customer’s turn to act Baffled and Bewildered, as it is nearly impossible to predict your Upcoming Ketchup Needs. I started out, when this trend began, by saying “Um… five?” and then escalated from there. Eight. Ten. Twelve. They always brought me that many. I could have cornered the market on Arizona Ketchup, if I’d asked for Four Million. I would have had to bring a truck, though. Soon, I started feeling guilty about having all those Ketchups to myself, so I decided to move from Quantity Responses, to Bafflement Retaliation. “How many?” the Helpful-But-Puzzling Fast Food Drone would ask. “Umpty-jillion.” I would respond. Or, “How many would fit in my car?” Or “How many would you get?” Or “A lot.” Or “Vast, vast quantities.” Or “I want Ketchup as far as the eye can see.” You get the idea.

This ceased to be amusing, however, when I met the first Overly Helpful Fast Food Drone, who had prepared herself for the inevitable Ketchup Requests, in Obvious Violation of Company Policy on Acting Surprised when Ketchup is Requested by Customers. She said “Anything else?” I said “Ketchup, please.” She said “How many?” I said “A bushel.” And she pulled a handful of Ketchup Packets out of her Pocket. I can imagine a less sanitary Ketchup Delivery System, but I don’t enjoy doing so.

This is a Company Ketchup Policy that obviously needs a lot of Thought.

8

Shit McMeal!

he he…i made the “mistake” of calling the aforementioned seafood related product a “fellatio-fish sanwich” in the presence of one of my religious nut friend’s kids.

i hate to think i got this kid’s mouth washed out with soap!

9

Didn’t I see one of those in the pond down by the Porno Bush?

:: d&r ::

10

I’m impressed…I worked there for over 3 years, and I’ve never once heard of someone who actually LIKED the filet of fish…

That’s all I have to add…carry on.

11

Oh, Christ, my sides…

12

I’m waiting to see if they change the set up at our local McDonalds. Not that I eat there often, I’m a Boxman myself. Right now most fast foods places here have the pump dispensers which I just slide my tray under and pump away till I have a nice heap, which I use all of I might say. But all such open things now make me wary after I saw some … 80s British punk guys, what are they called? yobs? walk into to local Taco Bell place, where they had soda dispensers in the common area and proceed to put there lips to the spiggot and pour themselves a mouthful of 7-up. Now I bring my own (green) ketchup and drinks.

I remember one time working at Taco Bell these guys came through the drive through made there order got it, our manager who was working the window asked them if they wanted some hot sauce, they said yeah and went on for awhile about how they wanted a whole heck of a lot. I assume they’ve been there before but I didn’t really see them. Anyway he grabs a box of sauce (which probably contained at least 1000 packets) and tried to give it to them. They chickened out and only took a handful but we all had a good laugh.

13

MrVisible, that was fucking great…Thanks for the laugh!
:smiley:

14

…puts MrVisible on the “people for whom I will buy a really nice curry next time they’re in Portsmouth, England” list.

15

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by xizor *
**

Burger King SUCKS. Their fries leave a horrible after-taste in your mouth, they never get your order right(least the ones around here don’t) and their burgers are, well, gross. Don’t badmouth McDonalds. Burger King copied everything off of McDonalds. They even stole the whole concept of fast food!

16

I’m not saying Burger King does not suck, I was merely saying that their fish sandwich was better than the McDonalds fellatio fish (thanks for the new terminology, gatopescado!). Their hamburgers taste like propane to me.

17

When you eat a McD’s Filet-O-Fish, all you’re tasting is the gallon and a half of nuclear tartar sauce, but I love it anyway. They could probably replace the “fish patty” with a slab of cardboard and I’d still dig it.

I’m still dying to find out whether any other posters have seen the ketchup-dispensing droid and whether they think it sucks or not.

18

Oh.