I’m sure the girl’s’ parents were hoping some of the kids/other parents would feel that way- but tbh, the mother probably should have invited kids who were more likely to show up- relatives or the children of the mother’s own friends (which is why she supposedly put the invite on Facebook- hoping that her own friends would come and bring children her daughter’s age). It’s a bit much to expect families to make their weekend plans around their 10 year old attending a birthday party for someone who is not actually a friend , especially since IIRC 10 is past the age of “invite the whole class to a party” and more the age of “invite 2-4 friends to some activity”.
Don’t feel bad, I thought the same thing.
I know nothing about Sotos Syndrome, but vague declarations of “difficulty forming friendships” don’t tell me what kind of kid she was. I feel bad for her, but if her personality was one of antagonism toward her peers (think: Sheldon Cooper), then it’s really difficult for me to judge her classmates for not coming to her party.
There’s a woman who posts on another board I frequent whose now-teenage daughter has autism, and even as a toddler, inviting her friends’ kids wasn’t going to work because the parents didn’t want their kids around her because of her very unpredictable behavior. 
I’m guessing that they knew their kids weren’t going to be safe in her presence, and IMNSHO that is a legitimate reason to turn down an invite.
That really sucks, though I agree it’s not incumbent on the recipient of an invitation to go - they just have to tell the host whether they’re going to go or not. And if they’re not really friends, why would they go?
It seems like the parents would’ve done better to have a blast with family, though I guess it could’ve been an attempt to help their daughter make friends, however misguided. I’m sure she probably felt way more shitty knowing that no one invited was coming than had her mom just invited a couple of people she knew she’d come plus family.
The kid has gigantism. That’s like the elephant man. Big surprise that she has no friends. I read the story, too, and thought it was nice that she got such a big treat. At least on one day.
I wonder about things like this, too. I’m curious what will happen next year, when the same 300 don’t show up. Will the girl cry because she thinks that she made them mad at her? 300 people hate her now? What did she do wrong? How will mommy answer her?
Like many of you I was the friendless birthday child.
I think if 300 random people, especially adults, who are awesome, showed up to celebrate, even once, that would have changed my life.
I don’t think it’s out of pity. There are benefits an adult could have from helping a child and partying down. Benefits that another child, lacking maturity and awareness, and having enough to deal with at that age, might not get in the same situation.
No, the fact that you individually might not choose to attend a birthday party is not a problem. You can possibly have a good reason. you might even have a legitimate excuse for why you didn’t RSVP–though that’s really pushing it. But this is not about you.
This is about a kid who was ostracized in class for looking different. This is about a kid that is so disliked that either every kid in her class gave up a fucking free party to not attend, or, more likely, you have a bunch of stuck up parents who wouldn’t let their kid attend the party of the strange kid.
Yes, there may be valid excuses for one individual kid or one individual parent, but not for everyone. When you can just put out an invitation and strangers show up, that shows the people not attending were doing something wrong.
I was parented correctly. This meant I befriended the people on the playground who didn’t have friends. Because those are the people who need friends the most. And I would only not attend a birthday party if I couldn’t come or they were actively mean to me.
Those are the good reasons. And those are highly unlikely to have applied to everyone. At least some of those who chose not to attend did so for shitty reasons, and they deserve to be shamed. If you don’t want to be included in that group, you can, you know, fucking RSVP and explain yourself–which no one did.
Also, stop using excuses like “pity” to excuse bad behavior. Pity is not a bad thing in and of itself. It can be overdone, but it’s also what happens when you have empathy. It’s not an excuse to not do something. You can have pity on someone and then let that blossom into a real relationship. It doesn’t mean you are some asshole feeling better than everyone else every time you do something altruistic.
We don’t live in Ayn Rand’s world. Altruism is good, and altruism requires pity.
I don’t understand the notion of feeling obligated to attend a party equating to being parented correctly. Does this apply to all parties or just in special cases like this?
The article also mentioned that she invited a “small group.” I have to wonder what the size of the small group was. If she invited, say, five people, the likelihood of conflicts increases especially if the kids participate in some sort of school activity together.
Anecdotally, I had a birthday party for my 5 year old daughter and invited her entire preschool class of 17. Four kids showed up and one of them was my daughter’s best friend’s sister. I was peeved because so many failed to RSVP, but at the same time, people often fail to understand the purpose of RSVP - many assume that they only respond if they’re coming, something I find incomprehensible.
That said, I’ve said no to invitations - my own or on behalf of my kids - when it would’ve been workable but the invitee or chauffer (i.e., me) would’ve been really tired from other activities, like just getting home from a family vacation or having back to back to back baseball games. I’ve also said no in circumstances where I didn’t feel I knew the person well enough to truly participate. That might make me a terrible person, but I can’t imagine it was a deliberate attempt to make this little girl feel horrible.
I am glad that the 300 people showed up. I have to wonder at the logistics, though. That’s a heck of a lot of people coming to a party unexpectedly. I hope they all brought their own drinks. Was there ever an indication of how the party went?
I remember my second grade class was notorious for not bothering to bring home notices from the school admin, PTA, etc., to parents which often led to desperate last minute phone calls in order to round up parents to volunteer for school events. One of my friends, who was actually quite popular, handed out party invitations in class (no rule requiring that everyone be invited at the time, early 1980s) with predictable results.
It’s never rude to turn down an invitation, mainly for the reasons kayaker mentioned - my kids aren’t slaves to your kid’s enjoyment of their birthday party.
Unless there was a coordinated effort to make sure nobody went, or the kids were turning down the invitation with insults and/or profanity (not likely at the age of 10, but possible), those kids did nothing wrong.
In fact, I’m a bit flabbergasted by BigT’s post. Oh, if you don’t want to go to some kid’s party, you should anyway because… why? It’s an invitation - you don’t want to to go, don’t go. Don’t turn around and blame them all for not going. We don’t know if they had some other plans, or if the kid was a jerk that nobody liked, or what. Claiming that my kid’s presence is required so your kid doesn’t feel left out? Sorry Charlie, that ain’t the way the world works. Friendships aren’t free, your kid wants friends she should put some effort into maintaining friendships like the rest of us. I’ve had plenty of friends with one disability or another, sure it’s more work, but it’s worthwhile if both sides are putting the effort in.
We don’t know enough details to be judging anyone in this party disaster turned media event. It’s very likely some of those kids just didn’t want to go to the weird kid’s party and should have been raised better, but it’s also possible the mom screwed everything up. In the end the little girl had a nice day and I’m happy for her. There are nice people in the world, and mean people, and the clueless, so it’s a good thing that she got to meet some of the nice ones.
I agree.
I think this touches on one of my fears about anti-bullying measures–that not being friends with a classmate is now seen as being tantamount to abuse. I just can’t abide by that. This not only puts a social burden on kids that adults don’t have to endure, but it also teaches kids that they deserve friends just by virtue of existing. Maybe kindegarteners don’t need to face the harsh reality of socializing. But fifth graders kinda do.
I remember spending a lot of time on the playground alone when I was in the fifth grade. It would have totally pissed me off if someone like BigT had taken it upon themselves to befriend me out of pity or out their Christian “raised right” duty. And it would have horrified me if my mother had staged a big to-do for me, without thinking about whether I had the social circle to support a “to do” in the first place.
Reminds me of the bridal shower I attended a couple of years ago for a coworker who didn’t have but a couple of friends, and the matron of honor who planned the whole thing spent the whole time ragging on all the invitees who couldn’t come. Made me not want to be there myself.
Complete tangent, but this made me think of something else. I think sometimes trying to force friendship on kids. No, I do NOT think we should encourage bullying in any way, shape or form. But at the same time, I don’t like that at my daughter’s preschool, they refer to everyone as “our friends.” “Come on, friends, it’s circle time!” “Come on, Johnny - all our friends are in line!”
I’m being overly picky, but it’s always frustrated me that my kids are encouraged to label other kids “friends,” even if they’re asshats who kick, hit, bite and scream at them. Then they get to kindergarten in public school and you’re tasked with informing them that those kids they think are their friends really aren’t their friends and they should stay away from those kids. I mean, they’d learn that on their own, yes - but I don’t like mislabeling.
My kid’s daycare does that too, and it bothers me also “Coder Jr and a friend were playing, when then friend threw a rock at him and then whacked him with a stick”. Um, they may be in the same class but they are not friends.
I’ve told my son several times, since there’s a kid who’s a bit of a bully in his class, “you don’t have to be friends with everyone and you don’t have to play with everyone. Avoid that kid if you don’t like him, that’s fine. BUT, you do have to play nice and treat everyone else with respect”. Which I think is as appropriate at age 3 as at age 13.
You might be surprised.