To all EMT’s and ER staff in StraightDope land, I’d like to hear your stories on the idiotic things our patients call us for. I’m sure you all have attended someone who is halfway to qualifying for the Darwin Awards.
To start you off, here’s my contribution:
I’m employed as an ALS ambo in a country town in South Australia. Early one morning, I was dispatched with a female colleague to another town approx 50km away, to attend an elderly man with “urinary retention”. Upon arrival, I was met by two women from ther local first aid reponse unit, who were dispatched to “hold the fort” until my ambulance arrived. Neither of the women were sure of the true nature of the complaint because the patient wanted to deal only with another man.
I was ushered in to find the patient in excrutiating abdominal pain. Only when the women left the room did he show me his predicament. Like many older men, he was bothered by having to get up to urinate several times a night, and had tried several methods to effect a remedy. His latest solution was to slip a large wedding ring over his penis to act as a “hose clamp”, an idea which seemed to be effective. Unfortunately, on this occasion he had unknowingly broken a blood vessel distal from the ring, and his penis had swelled overnight into a purple mass about the diameter of a salami. The major source of discomfort was his very distended bladder which he could not drain, which became much worse during the 30 minute return trip to hospital over a bumpy road.
Upon arrival at hospital, the patient’s embarassment increased when the female casualty nurse insisted on exposing the “injury”, in order to make an assessment before phoning the doctor, also a womman. The patient’s only moment of sympathy came when another nurse wodered as to whether the problem could be resolved without losing the swelling…
Knock softly but firmly, 'cause I like soft firm knockers…