[nitpick]impaction[/nitpick]
Let’s just get this classic UL preserved for the archive:
“[Tomcat], you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow? I want to party with you, cowboy. The two of us together? Forget it.”
Well, that should tip you off right there that it’s an UL. Who the hell uses a Safeword as long as “Armageddon”?
I believe the stories in this thread. I won’t argue the point with someone past this. A person went to jail for putting fecal matter in the meat for the Portage Txxx Bxxx before it had been a year old. A man and women working at Rxxxx Rxxxxx’s, at the Madison State Street location, were having sex on the kitchen prep table. They were caught after many weeks of doing this in the early 80’s. Every year it seems that some pervert in Wisconsin ends up in court for beastiality. You have people killing other’s for wierd sexual desires like jeffrey dahmer, and you can’t beleive out of over 6 billion people on this planet, some one would stick an object in their rectum and get caught.
Of course. It is a thread about sticking odd stuff up your butt, after all. How seriously can I take it?
Candles, man.
They fit better. :eek:
As far as moist and squishy mucus-covered fecal matter goes, consider my ignorance fought. Thanks for the information. That was a lot of information. One might even say that it was too much.
Which leaves me to ask, how stupid does one have to be to insert a light bulb? Sure, it’s shaped like an egg, but if pressure isn’t applied evenly, then yolk’s on you.
But I did once insert an ice cube on a dare. It was an “interesting” way to beat the summer heat.
Crap. I apologize, the Village Voice has a NSW pic up on that page. Here’s a transcript of the show without the “finest ass in NY” slideshow.
When an acquaintance of mine got arrested for public intoxication, he spent the night in jail (in Iowa, very uncrowded). Alone in his cell, he evidently got bored and decided to try to suck his own penis. The cot frame gave out under his efforts, which hurt his back enough that he couldn’t get unstuck from his position. He finally had to call for help from the guards, who found him with his pants around his ankles, bent double and stuck in the cot.
My ex picked him up the next morning, got the whole story and about died laughing.
Could you explain this? I’m guessing that sodium shouldn’t be higher than systolic blood pressure and potassium should be higher than respiration rate, but I don’t get the context - was he somehow botching surgeries so that patients ended up with their electrolytes out of whack? Or what?
Hyperkalemia (elevated K levels) is sometimes treated with dialysis, but if it’s only slightly elevated (between 5 & 7 mEq), it’s usually more conservatively treated with meds, unless there’s other signs of renal distress/failure. Elevated potassium is not the sole indicator of kidney failure, but apparently Dr. Demento treated it as if it were.
Q: How many Drs does it take to change a lightbulb…once its been shoved up some guys ass…?
A: I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. Really. Just stop, okay…? That whirring sound you hear is Tom Edison…and he ain’t trying to generate electricity. Guess GE brings bad things to light too.
seriously squicked
Maureen: I’m glad he isn’t in Wisconsin, our officials may all be corrupt, but at least they don’t think all farmers screw their mules.
I work ER.
I’ve seen a number of rectal and vaginal foreign bodies – Finesse hairspray (lid to can only), Ban deodorant (good idea), Christmas light bulb (happy holiday), garden hose nozzle, vibrators (usually still “on”).
I’ve seen penile lacerations due to vacuum cleaners (three times) and a “radish cleaner” (once). I’ve seen people with large metallic cock rings left on for three days before coming to the ER with eggplant like genatalia. I’ve seen broken penises secondary to overdeveloped female pelvic musculature (once) and due to a mistimed leap from the nighttable (and I’ll never understand why this patient did not remove the Batman costume BEFORE coming to the departmnent).
But I’m young. The older docs have much better stories. I’m just saying what I’ve seen personally.
HOLY HELL!! You mean some woman did her Kegels so thoroughly that she snapped a dude’s penis with her vulva?
After that bit of vagina dentata imagery, I am now even gayer than I was before.
Ok, we had one in the ER not too long ago, couple goin at it pretty hard, he gave her a vaginal tear of sufficient severity to require us calling in the ob/gyn to take her for a surgical repair.
So I ask, when it’s just us professionals, “do you consider that blunt or penetrating trauma?”
It may be he wasn’t treating them aggressively enough. If their K is higher than respiratory rate they either are bradypneic or very hyperkalemic, since K is supposed to be 3.5-5 and resps are supposed to be 12-20. If I’m thinking about this correctly, something needs to be very wrong before K>RR.
OK, going on with Brut Hombre.
We took him over and sent him up to Surgery, where he was put to asleep by a bored but amused anesthesiologist, and we all gloved up and took turns trying to fish the Brut bottle out through his anus. Impossible. You ever stick your gloved hand up a guy’s ass like that, you will realize why men don’t give birth. That v-shaped angle of the male pelvis makes it impossible to get stuff out through there. Or your hand up there. My hand folded in as it passed through that pelvic V until my thumb was touching my palm. Not only did it hurt like hell, but the deepest I got was the tips of my index and second fingers just touching the bottle. No way I could free it or haul it out.
So Spider Webb called for the OB/gyn tray. You think you’re squcked out, imagine being the next pregnant woman who needs those instruments. OK, they went through the autoclave after Spider got through with them, but still. She worked and worked at that anus until she got really impatient with me, with my chief resident, with Anesthesia, and with that damn Brut bottle (never said a word against the patient, though - maybe she and Patch Adams had something in common). Spider impatient at 1:00 in the morning was a sight to see. Maybe a more comfortable sight if I had been on the sidelines, instead of watching it point at me.
Sometime after 0100 hours Spider gave it up. She announced, we will do an open laparotomy, and we will remove this Brut bottle, and that’s it. Set up for it.
Now our chief resident, who was a very brainy partially bald young man of 27 who had scary eyes and two nicknames, Sherlock Holmes’ Smarter Brother and Psycho Chief, did not like this. He was muttering to me and to the anesthesiologist the whole time they set up. Because, you see, if you operate on uncleansed bowel nine hours into a bowel obstruction, the unfortunate patient has to have a colostomy.
Oh, they can get it reversed three to six months later. But for three to six months, they have to wear the bag. And this poor guy was 22.
Psycho Chief kept saying, “It isn’t a fair punishment to get a colostomy for kinky sex!!!”
Spider and I were scrubbing up at the OR sinks when Psycho Chief, who hadn’t turned up to scrub with us, appeared in the doorway. His scary eyes were blazing. In a voice of thunder he shouted, “STOP!”
Spider and I looked at eachother. It was clear we thought Psycho Chief had cracked, and was about to do us some whoop-ass can of harm. Spider clearly didn’t think much of my capabilities if it came to whooping him back. She was probably wishing she could get one of her spike heels out of the OR locker room so she could stab his forehead.
Psycho Chief pointed an indicting finger at me and announced, “She will scrub. You will not. We will perform a mini-laparotomy and we will milk that bottle down!!!”
Spider looked at him and at me again. Clearly he wasn’t nuts. Just right on that line between genius and insanity.
Suck ass! HA!!
Any rate, working on the South Side of Chicago for my Paramedic school ride time, you see quite a bit.
Most memorable to date was the woman who called in having severe vaginal pain and bleeding. We got there, and sure enough, she was a-bleedin, and screaming in pain and from the symptoms of withdrawl.
We scoop her from the crack house, bring her to the ER, and while we’re hanging out waiting for paperwork, the attending comes by and chucks a bag of money at the crew I was riding with.
That’s right kids, the $427 dollars our patient had stuffed up her hoo-ha and forgotten about (that’s a medical term doncha know) had caused a serious problem (on top of the others that she likely had) with her female parts.
Remember that the next time you do pretty much ANYTHING with a dollar bill.