Medical Professionals, What Embarrassing Sexual Injuries Have You Witnessed?

Damn, where is Qadgop? I can’t wait until tomorrow for a couple of classics!

:smiley:

OK, to go on with Mr Brut Man.

He was about 23 or 24. He was Hispanic. He was sort of a large guy - not morbidly obese, but one of those towers of mixed fat and muscle, with a rounded curve for the belly. And for the butt, which was large. He was straight. He and his girlfriend had been playing sex games with a bottle of Brut up his ass and it sort of disappeared up there.

When he came to the ER (alone) he was so horribly embarrassed about his problem that he answered all (?probing) questions with a vague “my belly hurts”. Belly pain by itself constantly got you pushed back to the end of the queue in U-Haul’s ER so, by the time he actually came to the Xray suite for the plain KUB which my attending Dr. Demento was waving in the air, he had been seven or eight hours like that.

With a complete and total bowel obstruction.

Due to a Brut bottle.

As Dr. Demento came waving the X ray and shouting through the ER, Patch Adams looked me in the eyes, slightly embarrassed, but also realizing he had just lost his chance in the struggle to implant the dignity of the patient in me. I shrugged apologetically and said, “My attending.” He nodded awkwardly and turned away from me to peruse the heroin patient’s chart.

Now of course the ER folks had attempted a manual extraction of said bottle, only to find what the poor man’s girlfriend had found: it was a) way up there, and b) well and truly stuck. To those of you who have never had a rubber-glove-clad hand up a man’s rear end I will say: Not stuck on any projecting angle or corner; there are none. Stuck the way a fly gets stuck to flypaper. Mucosa having enwrapped it in a once lubricious, now drying embrace.

To be continued.

Almost all our journal articles could be filed under the heading “You won’t believe what weird shit this guy did to kill himself.”

Yeah, that happened to my sister’s friend’s cousin’s neighbor’s roommate. Who can’t seem to explain how a penis can possibly get ensnarled in braces.

People never have surprised reactions to great stories?

Honestly, I disbelieve half of the tall tales I’ve read in this thread. A lightbulb? A bottle of Brute? A testicle accidentally falling inside a vagina? I won’t believe it until I see it, and even then I’d ask questions.

Yes, folks, not even medical professionals are immune from passing on urban legends.

I wouldn’t have believed a shampoo bottle either, but I heard the call.

This thread is nothing if not entertaining, I’ll say that much.

Apropos of not a heck of a lot, I saw this anthology film at the local film festival a few days ago. I mention this because the Matthew Barney segment, which led off the film, is remarkably reminiscent of your phrase. The piece centered on a large piece of construction equipment, like a bulldozer or backhoe, which had been suspended from a crane a few feet off the ground. The bulk of the segment’s ten-minute running time featured a naked man who had crawled up inside the machine in order to languidly rub his manhood against the spinning (and well-lubricated, natch) drive shaft. Oh, and he had a turnip stuck up his butt.

I don’t really recommend the movie, for what it’s worth.

A couple of them might be urban legend. But, a number of the people here are passing on first hand (hehe), eye witness accounts. I have no trouble at all believing the lightbulb or the brut bottle (Having seen photos and xrays of both)

Matthew Barney is so awesome.

You really have trouble with the Brut obstruction? Even if the word of a credible Doper isn’t enough for you to automatically accept… you know that a not-insignificant portion of the population is going to look at a Brut bottle and think "That’s exactly the thing to put up my ass.

But, if it makes you feel better… :stuck_out_tongue:

Sadly, the Gaspar Noe segment was obnoxiously, aggressively horrible, and went a long way toward spoiling the whole experience. (And weirdly enough, the Larry Clark piece was probably the best thing in the movie, and might be the most successful film he’s ever made.)

It wouldn’t surprise me to find out some extremely stupid moron got the idea FROM the urban legend.

Dude, what sheltered life do you lead? You honestly don’t believe that someone would shove a lightbulb or bottle up their backside? People are pervs, man. You’ve never seen the vids of Nerfball up the cooter, coke bottle in the hole, or a giant dildo going to depths no man has gone before? What, exactly, makes you think that some heavy S&M type would say “Whoa! I draw the line at wine bottles, man. That’s some seriously screwed up shit. Where’d you ever get that idea? Out of my dungeon now, you perv!”

-Tcat

I’m surprized this site hasn’t come up: http://www.well.com/~cynsa/newbutt.html
(Rectal x-rays, may not be safe for work)

I had braces when I was 22 years old and had them on for 3 years. I was worried about this scenario, but it never happened.

(It was a good way to get out of a BJ. “Ok, no problem. When was your last tetanus shot?”)

I can believe that, if only because when I was younger, a friend of mine had braces and she used to occassionally get her lip caught in them. Then there was the time a friend’s younger sister did that, and she was crying because it hurt so bad. A little tiny slip of skin could indeed get caught in someone’s braces, I would imagine.

You want one that I don’t think is true per se, but which 2 dozen kids all reported at roughly the same time?

At my old high school, there is a Medical Careers class that trains kids to be nurses. They get a certificate and everything, or something. Anyway, part of the class is going to the local hospital and seeing how it really is.

Well one day, kids came back all a buzzin’. Apparently, two chaps were going at it, only making out before full on sex. The making out moved to the ear, where the one sucked so hard supposedly the “ear drum came out!!!1”.

Supposedly.

Most likely, the ear drum, or some part of the ear (what else would be damaged though, besides maybe the small bones?), was partially damaged by the suction-action of vacuum lips. Or something.

That’s all I got.

Pretty damn sheltered. I only stick household items up my butt.

The Brut bottle I can maybe see, now that I see its shape. I was thinking it was more flask-shaped. Shampoo bottle? Once again, depends on the shape, and which end is going in first. My first thought was my giant sized Pert bottle with the scratchy plastic spout, and I figured there was no way that any sort of arousing stimulation could come from that.

But the right size and shaped bottle, perhaps.

A lightbulb, on the the other hand – no way. You’d have to be really isolated from the opposite (or same, if that’s what you’re into) sex to date a Sylvania. How would the bulb not break? How could anyone think that shattering shards are sexy? shudder

I also wonder about the physics of getting something stuck up there. IANAD (and if one would like to ring in, it would be great), but it seems to me that the human anus is designed to expel crap (and other stuff), not retain it.

My skepticism remains unchanged.

Again, Cecil knows:

The Straight Dope: Is it true what they say about gerbils?

Well, once the item being inserted is past the anal sphincters, I imagine they would function to hold the item in. After all, the rectum is designed to store material, and the sphincters (made of muscle) hold it in. It takes some effort to overcome that to get anything out.

You of course know I am NOT attacking you, that this is all in good fun, right?

And a lightbulb ain’t household?

Ever squeeze an egg as hard as you can and not have it break? Physics! And some people live life on the edge. What kind of rush a potential shattered glass object adds to a sex session I do not know (nor really care to). But…doesn’t rule it out as a possibility. I have witnessed a friend screwing his girlfriend while both were precariously balanced on the edge of a 15-storey drop off the edge of a building…Stupid? Yes. Dangerous? Yes. Big orgasm? So it seemed…

Fecal matter is full of water. It is moist and squishy. When a foreign object that is not moist and squishy is entered into the rectum, the body tries to coat it with mucos after awhile. AFAIK, this mucos covering can then ‘bind’ to the walls of the rectum. Google ‘fecal impactation’ for a description of blocked matter in the butt.

-Tcat

Is it true what they say about gerbils?