Medical Professionals, What Embarrassing Sexual Injuries Have You Witnessed?

I’m sure that it could and probably has has happened. I’ve learned not to underestimate the bizarre depths humans can reach.

I’m not gabriela, nor do I play her on TV. However, I was doing a search on PubMed one day for ‘autoerotic fatalities involving power hydraulics’ (don’t ask), and I found the following gem:

I have a friend who worked as an ER nurse who told me this one. A young couple were transported to the ER by ambulance while physically attached. She had been attempting to fellate him when his penis became ensnarled in her braces. I asked her if they had to call in an orthodontist, but she told me that the doctor was able to free them. It amazes me that ER personnel can work calmly and professionally under circumstances like this; well at least until they get out of earshot of the hapless victims.

LOUNE, that’s a funny riff, but of course you do know that there is nothing at all wrong a pregnant woman having intercourse. It doesn’t hurt the little bambam to be in the least.

IANAMP and this injury, while only sexual in a round about way does still fit the embarrasing requirement so I’ll mention it anyway.

Years ago I was reading a file given me by a friend whose father owned an insurance company. It detailed the plight of some poor fool who had hemmeroids and wanted to see them. It appears he climbed up on top of his bedroom dresser naked, bent over and looked between his legs into the large mirror mounted on the back of said dresser, pulled apart his but cheeks and hey, there’s the hemmeroids. Unfortunately, in such an unstable position he lost his balance, rocked forward and landed on his back injuring himself greatly.

Never did forget that file.

not a med professional, but I was an auto claims adjuster. A claim was submitted by a woman who was in a parked car. I forget exactly how it was termed, but she was suing the driver of the other vehicle because her and her boyfriend were having sex in the backseat of the parked car and she claims that the collision caused the condom to break which led to her becoming pregnant.

I also saw a file where the female front seat passenger was claiming head injuries from striking her head on the steering wheel.

Those are the two I can recall at the moment.

My friend’s dad is an ER doc - a few that he told us about:

  • girl with a lightbulb up her cootchie. Damn you do NOT want that to break

  • guy with a wrench stuck on his willie.

  • guy with a cannister vacuum stuck on his willie. No one could understand why he didn’t just disattach the hose from the vacuum when he came in, rather than towing the vacuum behind him and his trench coat.

Finally, this one happened to my friend. She has TMJ and her jaw stuck open at 3am while felating her man. She tried to convince the ER doc that she was eating an apple.

IANAMP (yet) but this one was reported in the local newspaper several years ago.

A young man reported to the local ER with a vibrator inserted in his rectum, so deep that he could not retrieve it by himself. So far, pretty routine. However, he stuck to his story that he had been kidnapped and six men had forcibly inserted said vibrator into his rectum which made it a police matter and got the story into the newspaper. Yeah, the truth was eventually reached, but it was already the talk of the town.

A friend of mine’s parents were both medical professionals (doctor and nurse I think), and he mentioned people getting stuck together as one of the various things that got discussed about the dinner table. His explanation was slightly different from the snopes version, saying that specifically, “The man’s testicle slides into the vagina during sex. The girl feels this and not sure what it is, she gets scared for a moment. Which causes her vagina to close, locking the orphaned testicle (and the penis) inside. Which then gets to be even more freaky as the guy feels himself get locked in…and thus she continues to clamp down as he continues to soften, and there you go.”

It was pretty detailed. Perhaps his mom said it out of ULhood, but it sounds plausible enough to me. And his telling seemed to sound like this was something his mom had encountered. But I guess I’ll never know since I haven’t kept up my contact info.

Didn’t he notice that it was not an apple that she had in her mouth?

I work with former ER nurses and have heard many many stories but I am only posting the patient experiences I have actually personally had. Lots of piercings, tattoos and bitemarks have been rationalized to me with varying degrees of suspected truthfulness. Having worked triage in Labor and Delivery, I doubt the semen-encrusted labial piercings story…lots of fluids going on down there and nitrazine paper is looking for amniotic. I do ask when the last sexual encounter was and have gotten every answer frpm 9 months ago to an hour ago and semen tends not to dry on/encrust moist perineal areas.


Heh. Jaw was stuck OPEN, not closed. :slight_smile:

Not even if it’s late in the pregnancy and his name is John Holmes?
I was under the impression that there was a certain cutoff time.

Yeah, I remember hearing about that guy. He was a topic for awhile among those of us who can top that. Hard to top. The poems were awful.

Of course the tractor was a John Deere…

Hey, Crescend, you can play me on TV. I am too quiet of face and manner to be a TV star. I imagine myself looking like Lissa, if that’s not taking too much credit unto myself.

My best story (and one that did its part in bringing my husband and me together) is from way, way, way before I was in forensics. I was a lowly intern in surgery in Brooklyn. I had been remanded for my sins to a hospital that shall remain nameless, God I hope it’s closed down, only that kind of snake pit never closes. We called it HellHole and also U-Haul, for its habit of sending patients out to anywhere else. I knew I was not a very good intern, and it was scary as hell to realize I knew more basic medicine than some of the attendings. For instance, there was my main surgery attending, who had some striking lab values named after him. Let’s call him Dr Demento. “Dr Demento’s IV bolus” meant sodium higher than systolic blood pressure. “Dr Demento’s dialyzable” meant potassium greater than respirations.

But we also had some very good attendings. Always a few stars that shine brighter iin a coal mine like that. One was the surgery attending, a 5’2" size 3 model-gorgeous black woman named Dr. Webb, who always wore black spike heels on rounds, and who was of course referred to behind her back as “Spider” Webb. Kiss of the - dream on, guys. She was married, and never exhibited the slightest interest in residents or patients.

She was actually kinda short on patience. A model of spike-heeled impatience.

There was also a guy, I regret that I’ve forgotten his name, who was one of these truly generous souls who offers up his extraordinary medical skill in hell pits like that, for the benefit of those who would never benefit from him on a cost benefit basis. He was an internal medicine doctor with an emphasis in renal. Let’s call him Patch Adams.

I called Dr. Adams to come consult on a 21 year old white male whose heroin habit had gotten him thrown into the ICU with nephrotic injury from his heroin abuse. Forget the exact lesion - was it FSG, QtM? Anyhow, I didn’t know beans about kidneys (sorry, QtM), and I called Patch in to tell me what to do.

He duly arrived in the ICU, and I began my recitation with a piece of internal lingo that I had almost forgotten I was using, which we used every day in multipe situations: “This is a 21 year old white shpoz…”

Patch stopped me, horrified. He knew what Shpoz means. (It should be spelled with a terminal S - I was spelling it phonetically.) It means Subhuman piece of shit.

He wanted to know how I could ever refer to a patient of mine that way. He wanted to rebuke the spirit in me that had brought me to that disgraceful place. He wanted to instill the gentle wine of medical ethics back in my strung-out intern soul. He had made me start to cry when Dr. Demento walked through the ICU, waving an X-ray, shouting, “Everybody come look at this son of a bitch who stuck a Brut bottle up his ass!”

to be continued…

The cutoff time is after the water breaks. Otherwise in a non-complicated pregnancy you are good to go.

I’m not QtM, but you are correct: focal segmental glomerulosclerosis (FSGS) is the classic heroin-associated renal disease.

Funny how these same terms seem to be in common use across the country. :slight_smile:

For my part, although I spent some time working at San Francisco General Hospital, I never personally dealt with any particular unusual rectal foreign objects, just the usual assortment of variably-sized dildos and other random cylindrical objects.

SFGH, however, does have a collection of The Best Of The Rectal Foreign Body series somewhere in the pathology department.

I’ve seen a radiograph of a compact umbrella lodged in someone’s descending colon. Caption: “It was extremely important during the removal not to disengage the spring lock.”

I saw an article in the American Journal of Forensic Pathology (is that the right title, gabriela? it always struck me as being kind of like the Weekly World News of medical journals :wink: ) regarding the practice of performing enemas with wet concrete, which would apparently produce a “pleasant warmth” as it hardened. Of course, once hardened, one was faced with the problem of removing a perfect cement cast of their rectum.

Huh. Score! Lemme file that bit of information away until it’s useful at a later date.

a MUCH later date. MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH later date.

gabriela, you got Dr. Webb’s number? I’m a…um…infidelity specialist.

Yeah…that’s it.

Here’s a book a ran across looking for the whole ball of wax for another thread.

You will like this book if the question for this thread got you here.

Project Gutenberg Etext of Anomalies and Curiosities of Medicine
by George M. Gould and Walter L. Pyle

You’ll find that the weird stuff happening now a days has gone on for centuries.

You’ve heard of the gerbil anecdotes, well here’s one that you won’t forget. The book has a man that had 3 squirrel vertebra surgically removed from his penis. He used a squirrel tail in his urethra to masturbate. There’s a woman that inserted a 7 inch ball of waxed string in her virgina to ease problems and forgot she did it. A doctor found it during an exam or treatment years later. A doctor had to remove a horrible growth of cancer. It wasn’t cancer, it was a forgotten sponge she inserted years earlier.

Less perverted cases are in there for eyes popping out. People that couldn’t resist eating and would eat decaying animals, if nothing better was in sight. It has body modification. Dwarfs, giants, blood drinkers, many industrial accidents. Scalp and facial grafting, and extra fingered people. You’ll like it if your not too grossed out.

There was a nurse oriented board I ran across years ago and wish I could find again. It was like a nurses “Customers Suck” board. They had x-rays and pictures of removed items on the site. Some guy lost a light bulb, and they had a hard time removing the light without breaking it. Rectum, it nearly killed him or at least made him use a colostomy bag for life. I know there were a few vases, so remember that when your buying one at a garage sale.

As if we’re going to leave that alone. What’s the story?