One of our new inmates was seen by my Physician Assistant last week for a general physical. During the exam, my assistant was surprised and consternated (despite 20 years of practice in the field) by the patient’s penis. So he referred him to me. It has been a long time since I have been surprised by anything a patient might do, or consternated by a genital exam. Repulsed, yes. Consternated, no.
Visit begins. I’m not much for chit-chat, so the initial encounter begins like this: “I’m Dr. Mercotan. I understand you’ve got something going on with your penis”. Fortunately the patient spoke english, so I did not have to resort to pantomime. I hate when that happens.
The patient averred that yes, he did indeed have something going on with his penis, which he was less than completely happy about. Further pointed inquiry on my part reveals the fact that a few years earlier, he had fixated on the notion that his penis was of inadequate size, and his life would become a continuous thing of joy if only said organ was embiggened. Encouraged by countless adverts on the internet to “En:lar’ge yur Ma~n;hoood” and “Ass^tound her with your pen is”, he embarked on a quest to gain this boon for himself.
Being impecunious, he lacked the resources to pay by credit card for these services. But he did make friends with an individual in his neck of the woods who claimed to have enlarged many penises thru practiced surgical technique. The patient, being somewhat of a naif in these matters, took this individual at his word, and in exchange for providing said pseudo-surgeon with diverse illicit materials of a powder nature, procured his services.
The procedure: In a dank and eerie “surgical suite” replete with a flashing Budweiser sign for extra illumination, the patient had a series of injections underneath the skin of his penis, filling this area with substance unknown.
The end result: A penis which was much larger around than it had been. But to the patient’s regret and consternation, no length had been added, the thing was not quite as aesthetically pleasing as he had expected, and it hurt like hell when he tried to use it in the traditional copulatory manner.
The organ was still functional. The patient could void thru it. And with determination, he could achieve intercourse and have an ejaculation. There were no symptoms of active disease. But sadly, erections were no longer a pleasant diversion, but something he generally preferred to avoid. Granted, life in prison is such that one does not want to flaunt an erection (at least in most circumstances). But the degree of disincentive to tumescence seemed to the patient to be extreme.
My examination: Nothing for it but to see what was going on. As I teach my medical students: “you can see a lot just by looking”. And said examination was confirmatory. The organ resembled nothing so much as a bagel dog. Of course, here there were no tasty chips alongside, nor mustard for dipping. No infection, no necrosis, no paraphimosis or other complication of said injections, just one really, really bizarre looking schlong.
Since the penis is not a present threat to the patient’s health or life, the State has no interest in any sort of treatment, which would be considered cosmetic in this case. It only hurts when he gets erections, and said erections don’t last long due to the pain. An effective negative feedback loop. The State does not desire to spend money to enhance his copulatory abilities.
But let this stand as a cautionary tale to those men who are dissatisfied with their own dimensions! What nature has forgotten, do NOT fill up with unknown injected substance! If genes have given one a cocktail frank, enjoy it with relish, but skip the bun!
(yes, the above anecdote is 100% true. I see so much weird stuff in my practice that I can’t make this stuff up.)
QtM, MD
