My patient's bizarre penis

One of our new inmates was seen by my Physician Assistant last week for a general physical. During the exam, my assistant was surprised and consternated (despite 20 years of practice in the field) by the patient’s penis. So he referred him to me. It has been a long time since I have been surprised by anything a patient might do, or consternated by a genital exam. Repulsed, yes. Consternated, no.

Visit begins. I’m not much for chit-chat, so the initial encounter begins like this: “I’m Dr. Mercotan. I understand you’ve got something going on with your penis”. Fortunately the patient spoke english, so I did not have to resort to pantomime. I hate when that happens.

The patient averred that yes, he did indeed have something going on with his penis, which he was less than completely happy about. Further pointed inquiry on my part reveals the fact that a few years earlier, he had fixated on the notion that his penis was of inadequate size, and his life would become a continuous thing of joy if only said organ was embiggened. Encouraged by countless adverts on the internet to “En:lar’ge yur Ma~n;hoood” and “Ass^tound her with your pen is”, he embarked on a quest to gain this boon for himself.

Being impecunious, he lacked the resources to pay by credit card for these services. But he did make friends with an individual in his neck of the woods who claimed to have enlarged many penises thru practiced surgical technique. The patient, being somewhat of a naif in these matters, took this individual at his word, and in exchange for providing said pseudo-surgeon with diverse illicit materials of a powder nature, procured his services.

The procedure: In a dank and eerie “surgical suite” replete with a flashing Budweiser sign for extra illumination, the patient had a series of injections underneath the skin of his penis, filling this area with substance unknown.

The end result: A penis which was much larger around than it had been. But to the patient’s regret and consternation, no length had been added, the thing was not quite as aesthetically pleasing as he had expected, and it hurt like hell when he tried to use it in the traditional copulatory manner.
The organ was still functional. The patient could void thru it. And with determination, he could achieve intercourse and have an ejaculation. There were no symptoms of active disease. But sadly, erections were no longer a pleasant diversion, but something he generally preferred to avoid. Granted, life in prison is such that one does not want to flaunt an erection (at least in most circumstances). But the degree of disincentive to tumescence seemed to the patient to be extreme.

My examination: Nothing for it but to see what was going on. As I teach my medical students: “you can see a lot just by looking”. And said examination was confirmatory. The organ resembled nothing so much as a bagel dog. Of course, here there were no tasty chips alongside, nor mustard for dipping. No infection, no necrosis, no paraphimosis or other complication of said injections, just one really, really bizarre looking schlong.

Since the penis is not a present threat to the patient’s health or life, the State has no interest in any sort of treatment, which would be considered cosmetic in this case. It only hurts when he gets erections, and said erections don’t last long due to the pain. An effective negative feedback loop. The State does not desire to spend money to enhance his copulatory abilities.

But let this stand as a cautionary tale to those men who are dissatisfied with their own dimensions! What nature has forgotten, do NOT fill up with unknown injected substance! If genes have given one a cocktail frank, enjoy it with relish, but skip the bun!

(yes, the above anecdote is 100% true. I see so much weird stuff in my practice that I can’t make this stuff up.)


Every man who thinks his penis is inadequte in size or girth should be aware that there are men who, due to disease or trauma, have NO penis whatsoever.

And recently, I did have the distinct displeasure of seeing the aftermath of one of those “increase your manhood” pump things that are so popular with English men. I guess I live a sheltered life, cuz I was taken aback by the eggplant color, a very ugly bruised appearance. And I don’t think the size issue had been improved, BTW. Poor silly git.

Aren’t we medical personnel the fortunate ones, to lead such interesting lives?

Dammit, Qad, I am never going to be able to look at a bagel dog again without seeing an injected dick.

How in the world could you pantomime that without laughing?!

Thanks, Doc. I’ll never be able to enjoy hors doeuvres again.


This is exactly why I adore QtM: because he uses words like this with abandon, and still manages to convey true stories about penises that look like bagel dogs.

Dude! I used to *like *bagel dogs. :mad:

You have robbed me of one of life’s little pleasures, and some day, I will have my revenge.
Begins plotting…*

I was hopiong it had a joint in it.

I read an account in a Maxim magazine about a guy who went to a licensed doctor to get his wang embiggened, the results he described were worse than your patient who went to the back alley doc. He sued the doc, got someone else to do surgical repairs, but still had problems with his weenie. Like sex hurts, or whipping it out and having women say, “That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen, I’m not going to have sex with you.” kind of problems.

Best to leave well enough alone.

Never trust your genitals with a cranked-up quack, kids.

The bagel illustration really made me laugh.

Question for you Qadgop…

Isn’t there some some sort of doctor/patient confidentiality that normally precludes the sharing of stories such as this? Or is it OK because you haven’t used the patient’s name?

Don’t get me wrong - I enjoy your stories very much, and don’t want them to stop! But I am curious on this point. And I have to say, if I had a bagel/schlong I probably wouldn’t want you discussing it with the world… :slight_smile:

I’ve not identified the patient. I’m not identified by name, nor where I practice. Even if one identified where I work, 12,000 different patients pass thru every year, and each one of them has me as their doctor of record during that time.

Reporting information on anonymized cases does not violate patient confidentiality.

I was on call late Friday night when I saw a nurse rolling a gurney out of the ICU, the patient fully covered in a sheet–the universal sign that he is on his way to the morgue.

I didn’t think much of it until it finally registered in my sleep-deprived brain that something just wasn’t right about it. As I got closer, it became clear that the recently deceased patient was sporting SERIOUS flagpole. That wasn’t the half of it, though–this sucker was GIGANTIC, well beyond the “unattractive porn star” phase and into the realm of genuine medical curiosity.

I stared at it for a while as it was coming down the hall in order to come up with an alternative explanation. As I passed, I gave the nurse a “What the hell?” look, and she just gave me a nod that said, “Yep, it’s just what it looks like.”

I caught up with the ICU nurses later, who confirmed that the patient had, indeed, swung crazy pipe, and that he died at full perpendicular. They had worked for some time to make it a little less obvious for the trip to the basement, but it just wasn’t going anywhere, and the guy’s body habitus made any other positioning on the gurney prohibitive. They finally just decided that it was late at night and they weren’t likely to run into anybody who would take offense.

I love my job.

I’ve run into a couple of guys here in San Fran area years ago at the baths who were into injecting their balls with silicone… I think that they would go along well with your patient’s penis…

I’ve never seen balls like these… Probably the size of two grapefruit… I have no idea how these guys ever manage to wear pants…

(Just thought I’d share…)


Aside of being able to whiz around the corner, this would be beneficial how? :stuck_out_tongue:

It’s threads like this that make me realize why I love the SDMB so much. :stuck_out_tongue:

::: Wipes tears of laughter :::
I know damn well those are ture stories, nobody could make shit like that up! :smiley:

That story is Gold! Thanks Q the P!

Q the P?

Qadgop the Peniscotan?


Sorry- Make that Q the M…