In my dual role as Physician to inmates (hey, that’s got a nice, Larry Nivenesque ring, doesn’t it) and Supervisor of other medical practitioners, I find myself getting involved in some rather complex medical/ethical/securitarial/bovinological situations. And as I delve deeper and deeper into the implications of these situations, strangeness ensues.
Mr. Ygghrse will be spending the next few decades locked up, in maximum security. Mr. Ygghrse believes strongly that his skin needs daily skin care products lest it become dry. Mr. Ygghrse could buy skin care products in the prison store, but does not, stating that he is impecunious. This may well be. Given his current status, he does earn 4 cents an hour, but no more than this.
Mr. Ygghrse has requested that Medical Services provide him with skin care products, claiming a medical necessity. Qualified medical practitioners have seen him and determined that there is no medical necessity, that his skin is normal.
So Mr. Ygghrse has taken matters into his own hands, and regularly employs the butter from his meal trays as a skin lubricant. On a daily basis. Sometimes 3 times a day.
This leads to situations. Mr. Ygghrse is now rather slick, with a characteristic odor. Said odor is not horribly offensive, but neither is it pleasant. Security is unhappy about this state. Medical is queried. The first level of the medical bureaucracy ascertains again that if Mr. Ygghrse chooses to butter himself, it is not a problem for the medical department.
Clinical evaluators, including psychiatrists assess Mr. Ygghrse, and determine that there is no significant mental disease.
I am queried about the situation at this time, and once again point out that lacking a skin condition requiring treatment, Mr. Ygghrse will not be the beneficiary of skin care products provided by the medical department.
But wait! One medical practitioner suggests that the behavior itself could cause harm, as when butter breaks down, it turns into lactic and butyric acid. If we don’t intervene, Mr. Ygghrse will end up with a skin condition! Would not providing him with skin care products of a proper nature be a preventative? Is there not medical necessity on this basis?
I demur. If we issue him skin care products for a self-induced condition, and word of this gets out, we’ll potentially have over a thousand inmates start buttering themselves in traditional copy-cat fashion! That would be a bit much, even here in the Dairy State.
The simplest strategy would be to place him on a butter-free diet, due to misuse of state property. Checking policies and procedures, and running it past the state’s lawyers, it seems we can implement this plan. Much thought goes into the correct language for the order, as we only want to limit his free butter, not remove the butter that is already within other food objects. Nor do we want to end up having him declared allergic to butter. Proper wording for the order is worked out.
We are ready to implement this strategy. But it suddenly dawns on me! I don’t think we use butter on the meal trays! I think we switched over to margarine some time back! The man has not been buttering himself!! He’s been margarining himself!!
Good lord! Now we must research whether margarine breaks down into any components which could be harmful to the dermis. And we’d better find out whether or not we have switched to margarine. The prison dairy farm located nearby still supplies us with cheap milk. If they are still producing butter, mayhap that we didn’t make the switch. Call the kitchen!
They don’t know. They think it’s margarine, but they’re not sure. Call the main office! Get the head dietician on the phone! This must be solved! But it’s friday afternoon and noone’s answering.
To hell with it, let’s just go with an order reading “no pats of butter or margarine on his tray”. We’ll de-lubricate him entirely for a few weeks, and reassess his skin after that. My research into the breakdown products of partially hydrogenated safflower oil winds down. Problem solved.
Until yesterday. Security reports the inmate now smells like bacon drippings.
:smack: :smack:
Sorry for the confusion.