I’ve heard that a fairly substantial portion of Emergency Room visits are from people who have put themselves in harm’s way while in the process of seeking out some form of sexual gratification-- e.g. rectal foreign bodies, urethral foreign bodies, vaginal foreign bodies, stuck cockrings, etc. I’ve also heard that rather than owning up to it, these people typically claim that their situation is the result of some bizarre accident-- e.g. “I was bowling and I fell.” Is this accurate?
What humiliating sexual injuries have you observed? What excuse did they come up with??
I am not a medical professional, but this thread on the, uh, phenomenon dubbed “bagel dog penis” may interest you. Hell, you may even enjoy it.
I was a Navy Corpsman for some years, and treated several sexual injuries. One couple came in with dual injuries. Neither injury required much intervention, but had to be documented so they could receive light duty while healing. They were copulating in the shower, and he slipped. She “fell off” him, and broke her coccyx, while he tripped over her and broke his toe on the lip of the shower. Both of them had some bruises and were sore. Unfortunately, they were married, but not to each other, so neither could really use the ultimately amusing story.
I had one stupid young man with genital warts, who convinced one of my stupid co-workers that he (the patient) could apply the topical solution we used to burn off the warts, all by himself. Armed with the bottle, he proceeded to give himself a second circumcision over a weekend. He was miserable for some time while the raw sores healed, and since we couldn’t treat the warts during this time, he ended up far worse off than when he started.
I am not a medical professional, and I don’t know if you all would consider my wife one. She is a medical transcriptionist–that is, she types up physician’s dictation.
She got one a while ago that everone in the office had to listen to. A guy, in an overabundance of erotic glee, leaped at his lover, missed, and broke his penis!
That’s right, sports fans, he broke it. I suppose, technically, this would be written up as some sort of “insult to the erect tissues,” there being no actual bone to break.
But there was considerable vascular injury to the fully erect penis when it got, ah, folded back upon itself.
Not a medical professional, but I had a job for over three years writing custom abstracts of medical literature. Any bizarre case reports that appeared in the daily workload got noted and passed around, whether they dealt with choking on live fish, having a toxic reaction to Earl Grey tea, or smoking Jimson weed. And there were a lot of sexual mishaps. Here’s some:
–“Diffuse feculent peritonitis” due to feces leaking from a tear in the rectal wall. Patient, a farmer, eventually confessed the tear was due to sexual relations with a boar.
–Priaprism, followed by inflammation, scarring and loss of erectile function, due to grinding up Viagra, mixing it with lidocaine and injecting the mixture directly into the penis.
–A paper in a forensic journal titled “Bizarre Impalement Fatalities: Where is the Weapon?” included a case of a man who liked to insert the leg of a tall wooden stool up his backside. One day he lost his balance and fell on the stool, driving the leg all the way up to his diaphragm. He managed to pull himself off the furniture before expiring; his wife, upon finding the body, then hid the stool, complicating the investigation.
–Autoerotic electrocution. I can’t recall the details, only the obvious moral of the tale: if you must take electrical devices to bed, stick to battery power and avoid those that plug into the wall.
That last one was also in a forensic journal, which makes me wonder what **gabriela ** can contribute to this thread.
I’m a rad tech, but my story has nothing to do with my profession other than it was the husband of a cow-orker that this exact thing happened to.
They weren’t yet married, and as I understand it, too long of a back stroke followed by too forceful of a fore stroke resulted in a snapping noise, immediate cessation of the festivities, and a visit to the ER. (Not at our hospital. Too bad. Woulda been funny.)
Anyway, not to worry. They subsequently married and recently had a baby…so something still works.
So I knew that lady that was starting her own business and working some ungodly hours. No time for a boy friend. After several weeks of 16 hours days she gets home very late one night and decides to pull out her electrically operated boy friend replacement. Her boy friend replacement that runs on 110V.
Anyway after a good time was had, she fell asleep with the BFR still running. The motor got hot after awhile. Very hot after another period of time.
When my friend finally woke, she had a second degree burn on her upper inner thigh, just below and to the side of her girly bits. :eek:
We teased her about this for months and months afterwards.
I had a new mom who refused to try to breastfeed in a tone that pinged my ‘Don’t Lie To Mom’ radar. After much understanding and supportive conversation and some stern glances, she confessed to intense nipple pain. She reluctantly, at last, lets me see the affected area.
Infected nipple ring.
Just so happened her doc was at the station and I made mention and was shocked at doc’s response: Yelling “No way does she have a nipple ring, I saw her last month and she doesn’t have any piercings”, and off doc marches to this poor girl’s room. Here comes doc, red-faced, to write antibiotic orders. Patient got pierced after last doctor visit and was too embarrassed to say it hurt.
ER had to come up and cut it off her, she was so swollen around it.
Doc apologizes to me and rants on why a 8 1/2 months pregnant woman would choose now to get a piercing and not expect pain and infection.
Cyn, RN, who every so often thinks she’s seen/heard everything and is always wrong.
My mom used to work in a free clinic in the bad part of town (the part where there is a ton of hookers, drug dealers, etc.). I remember a few stories:
1: Hot dog girl: a girl came in complaining of vaginal cramping. When they put her up in the stirrups and started poking around, they found three hotdogs jammed in there.
2: The Stuck Together Couple: I couldn’t actually tell you what happened, but my mom swears this is true. A couple came in, wrapped in a sheet, and stuck together. They were having sex, something went wrong, and boom- stuck like two dogs.
This next one is pretty gross, even by my standards. You have been warned.
3: Pregnant Pierced Lazy: A pregnant woman came into the clinic for an exam; she was, you see, overdue (meaning she was 9+ months pregnant). Mom said they put her up in the stirrups and found a really, really gross sight: the woman had piercings all up and down her vaginal lips with chains go back and forth across between the piercings (how this is a good idea for a PREGNANT WOMAN WHO IS ABOUT TO BURST, I have no idea). That isn’t the gross part. The gross part is that the piercings were encrusted with seamen. This wasn’t just a hypothesis of the doctor, he asked, she replied, “Yeah, last night I had a few guys come over cuz I heard that makes the baby come faster.”
Sigh. Poor kid.
Lady . . . going. Woo for preview!
I blame the cold medicine. :: sneeze ::
Poor kid indeed. Imagine getting your melon poked by a wang (or few) when you’re in utero. There you are, minding your own business, just floating around in your amniotic pad. And…there’s the only thing worse than a Jehovah’s witness at your door after you get our of the shower.
Getting your dome prodded by a sperm tube. Just fanfuckingtastic.
So, sweetie…what did they do after you fessed up to the three hot dogs?
(you know, you coulda saved three hot dogs and just called me over.)
I don’t mean to call your mother’s credibility into question here, but both the first and second stories are common urban legends. Although that doesn’t mean they haven’t actually happened I suppose.
When my mom worked in the ER she had two guys come in for foreign object removal - one was a bedknob (gross footnote, he wanted it back after) and a bottle of Sure deodorant.
I also had a friend that after giving herself a home perm was rinsing in the tup. The cap floated in the water to between her legs. Hello chemical burn.
In fairness, I remember her coming home with a very blank face and, upon us asking what was up, she yelled, “Oh. . . my… GOD! You do NOT want to know!” That would be a mighty odd reaction for something made up, but then again- it is my mother.
“it was a one-in-a-million shot, Doc. A one-in-a-million shot.”
Not exactly a medical worker, but a friend of mine is a dispatcher for a local law enforcement agency.
All incoming calls are recorded, and apparently funny ones are taped off and circulated amongst the workers.
I was privy to one wherein a gentleman calls in and explains he needs an ambulance, and he’s had a problem with his “peculiar addiction”. He used that phrase repeatedly. He also asked to talk to the Dr. that he was certain was there.
Eventually, the dispatcher managed to get him to explain that he had a shampoo bottle in his posterior.
As soon as the call disconnects, you can hear the starts of howls of laughter. During the call, cool calm and collected, after… dogs howling at the moon.
One of the orderlies did ask him how it felt to be under the “Dome of Confidence”
Arrr, matey. Tis better than being encrusted with barnacles.
Seinfeld, actually, not Get Smart. Or did I just screw something up?