"Deadspin’s Christmas Day tradition returns. It is time to sound the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Below are the strangest, most awkwardly shaped, and least pleasant objects that America has shoved into its various holes. God bless us, everyone.
As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:"
A broom handle stuck in the ass? Couldn’t it just be pulled out? Unless it was … the other end??? :eek:
Wood absorbs moisture and I guess that can make it stick to moist membranes. Could be that it wouldn’t pull out on its own without causing a prolapse.
It could have been the handle of a small broom or a sawed-off portion of one, and the whole thing got lost inside. Or it could have had things attached to it for “stimulation” purposes.
:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
:smack:
:D:D:D
Man, these make me miss working in the ER.
The dog’s paw in the ear has me very puzzled. Was it a very small dog and a very large ear? 
How?! lol Somehow I find that more implausible than ‘accidentally’ sitting on a broom.
Ok seriously, just buy a damn dildo.
And guys, really…does it feel that good putting something up your bone ranger? Cause damn. I just can’t see it…
Bowling pin? BOWLING PIN?
I have to know - which end? Of the pin, I mean. It’s obvious which end of the patient it found its way into.
I think the more important issue is whether they’ve accounted for the other nine pins.
A friend who spent more than 30 years as an ER nurse (she’s now taken her PhD and moved into teaching) used to share stories of the unusual things people had “up there”. She said the commonest excuse was “I just sat on the couch without looking!” As if people normally sit down, naked, in the dark, with sufficient force to embed deeply enough to be beyond retrieval such items as: hair brushes, cucumbers and other fruits and vegetables, soda bottles and cans, items of statuary, mechanic’s tools, and variously shaped wooden objects of other intended uses. These insertions were observed in both males and females, and were found both anally and vaginally.
But the one that cracked me up (no pun intended) was a woman who had sufficient stretch to her vagina, and sufficient motivation, as to shove her item so far that it was no longer visible from the outside. And apparently she hesitated for at least a day before the discomfort drove her to seek help. I totally broke up at my friend’s deadpan speaking of the simple words “jelly jar”. In fact, I’m chuckling now. 
“…and a partridge in a pear tree.”
Like you’ve never whittled down an ivory domino until it was the size of a hairpin and pushed it into your urethrea.
I never could understand that “foreign object in vagina” thing, unless it was up there long enough that it got stuck (which is possible) or she had some kind of internal prolapse and couldn’t find it.
There’s a reason why pharmacists tell patients to unwrap suppositories before inserting them, BTW.
We’ve been discussing [spoiler]https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penile_subincision[/spoiler] on another website, and of course I thought of that when I saw the “penis” list. :eek:
Warning: IMNSHO, it’s more grotesque than female genital mutilation.
Some of these, one wonders exactly how they made it from home to the emergency room. Lying face down in the back of a van, perhaps.
15 years in the ER.
Spaghetti squash.
Expanding foam insulation.
Finesse hairspray (sometimes you need a lot).
I guess they took the phrase ‘a grower not a shower’ a bit too seriously huh?
That stuff really works. Can’t recommend it even if your colon has the chills.
I love that you included the specific type of squash. The fact that you recall the details of butternut vs. spaghetti vs. another possible variety would make me tip my hat to you, doctor, if indeed I was wearing one.
Unfortunately, I sat upon it last night in the dark and, uhm, am considering a face-down-back-of-van ride myself.