Heres the short history: My g/f has been divorced for 3 years now. She has a 4 year old son. She and her ex have joint custody of the child. Her Ex gets to take her child on the weekends as per the court orders. Her Ex lives with his g/f but take the child to see his parents (the child’s grandparents) every weekend.
The child’s grandmother (the Ex’s Mom) had been sexually abused by her father when as a child. The Ex’s sister had also been abused by this same character. The Ex’s brother is in jail for molesting his daughter.
Needless to say my g/f and I are extremely worried about her child. Her suspicions are aroused more lately because the child has been touching his anus for sometime. The child has been touching there before and she thought it maybe some itch - but lately the child says “i dont know” or else will laugh or get a sneaky look then he quits doing it. The child had wet his bed today - which the child has not done for the past year or more.
I feel disgusted and extremely annoyed by this situation. Our questions are as follow :
1> How can we be certain that the child is indeed being abused? (I don’t even know how to ask the right questions. Is there any home tests to find out if the child has been sexually abused? Does she need to seek medical help ? What kindof questions should she be asking this 4 year old to find out ?)
2> What are her legal rights ? Can she stop visitations of the kid with the father/grandparents based on the above history ?
3> Is there any protective or recording device that the kid can carry which can alert his mom in case such a despicable attempt is made ?
This is a serious question and I would appreciate if you please don’t make jokes. As always, all help is really appreciated.
This is a tough one, where both over AND underreaction on your part could spell disaster.
I would suggest contacting a Sexual Assault Crisis Centre and speak to one of the advisors there.
Kids playing with their bottoms and wetting the bed (even after they have been dry for some time) does not imply that anything untoward has occured. But on the other hand, you should trust your gut reaction too.
Get some professional advice on this one…and don’t prompt the child/ask too many questions of him until you have sought such advice.
And good luck with everything.
Thanks Kambuckta, But really - We are not sure we should go to the Crisis Center right away. We are not sure of anything. If we go to the Crisis Center it will mean like accusing someone - which again is not something we want to do.
I’m not suggesting that you lay a formal complaint, but surely they have some sort of facility to provide informal advice about how to proceed from here? Such as behaviours to be on the alert for, how to solicit information from a child regarding possible abuse, and perhaps they may even have some sort of service where they can interview the child to ascertain whether further investigation is necessary.
I agree you need to tread very carefully, but at the same time, too much trepidation could be equally harmful.
Are you in the US? If so, it’s likely that on the inside cover of your phone book, or in the list of frequently used community numbers, there’s a list for something called Child Abuse Hotline, Child Protective Services, Child Welfare, or something similar. You can call anonymously and describe the circumstances. The worker will tell you whether what you are describing is a typical, reportable complaint. You can then decide whether to identify yourself and the other people involved.
We are in the US. But we are not sure if we should call yet and that is what we want to know - as to how to determine the situation accurately before seeking outside help. Calling for outside help may lead people to unnecessary embarassment. Also this may lead to unknown embarassment for the kid forever, and we want to be sure before we do any such thing.
Child abuse is a terrible thing and one should do all they can to ferret it out and prevent it, but leveling potentially false accusations on thin evidence is equally terrible and devastating.
My children, and I would venture to say a very large number of young kids, have exhibited these behaviors at one time or another while growing up. You need to back your finger off the trigger until it can be determined abuse is occurring. All you have so far is two fairly common childhood behaviors that could be caused by many, many things other than child abuse.
Questioning four year old children about possible sexual abuse is (IMO) something that needs to be done by a professional and even then it can be fraught with difficulty as demonstrated by the McMartin pre-school case. Ask the local hospital for a list of resources re professionals for diagnostic medical exams and child counseling. You need a lot more conclusive evidence than you have before coming to any determination about abuse.
Make the call. Talk to professionals. Child Abuse hotline. Rape Crisis. If you are worried about social services swooping in, then don’t call them, stick with privately funded organizations We all love you and care about your kid, but get on the phone. They are qualified crisis coucellers, we aren’t. Be anonymous, but be honest. That is taking the first step. I really hope it all turns out to be nothing.
I don’t know if this will comfort you, and I don’t intend to sway you one way or the other, but my son exhibited both of those behaviors and he was definitely not abused in any manner. Please don’t show your disgust to your son, you don’t want him to feel guilty. However, I concur with the others, if you feel there is something untoward going on then you should seek out some informal advice.
I appreciate your concern about bringing in ouytsiders. I want to emphasize what others are posting–you can consult anonymously and receive information about child behavior, possible abuse indicators, your state laws, and your resources. A crisis line, hotline, or child protection agency will provide this information even if you don’t identify yourself. If you’re really concerned, call them from a pay phone. But call someone–get your facts and resources.