Likely child abuse. What can we do?

In My Humble Opinion
1

*** NOT LOOKING FOR LEGAL ADVICE, JUST SOLICITING OPINIONS ***

Looking for some advice on how to handle a situation…

The background: My mother-in-law passed away this past November. She left, in addition to my wife who is 34, three daughters, aged 11, 12 and 30. In addition she left behind a mean-spirited imbecile for a husband whose name is Jim. Jim is neither my wife’s nor her 30-year-old sister’s father. As is common, unfortunately, tension exists between Jim and the older sisters.

The situation: The house in Massachusetts where the younger girls live should be condemned. Seriously. Jim is unemployed and has been for over a decade. He collects disability and he was the major beneficiary to my mother-in-law’s modest life insurance policy. He sits around the house all day barking nonsense. When he leaves the house, it’s to buy scratch tickets and the necessary food items. When I said above that he’s a mean-spirited imbecile, I wasn’t embellishing in the least. He has attempted to cut off all contact between the younger and older sisters, for no apparent reason. The girls love each other and there isn’t a bad seed in the bunch. The younger girls are in a situation where they have to sneak phone calls to say hello to their older sisters.

The younger girls aren’t doing well. The 11 year old has failed fifth grade. She is repeating. She’s got a lot of emotional problems (has since she was a younger kid) that have gone neglected and are spiraling out of control. She’s physically abusive to her older sister. The father does nothing to stop this. The 12 year old is on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to the abuse and neglect. She’s begun abusing herself (scratching herself until she bleeds). As far as I know, neither child has received any counseling following their mother’s death. The father simply refuses to get them any.

The 12 year old is coming down in September to spend a few days in Washington on a school project. We planned on having her over, but found out tonight that Jim has booked the plane tickets so that it’s going to be nearly impossible for us to spend any time with her. Outrageous!

Where we are: My wife and I talked about it extensively and we determined that the situation was severe enough that an investigation at least be launched with the Department of Social Services. So, we called them. They said that in order for anything to be done expeditiously we had to call the police. If we decided to file a report with them (DSS), it would be months before anyone was contacted. If we call the police, it’s likely that the children will be removed from the home and sent into state-sponsored care. We don’t think that’s the best thing for them either.

DSS seems to be useless and the police, from what we know, would handle the situation with too much haste.

What can we do?

2

What evidence would you have to call the police? If a cop were to show up at the door, and the father were to say, “Nope, no child abuse here. Go away,” what would happen?

Don’t get me wrong, I think that action has to be taken. What kind of child protective services do you have that it will be months before they even start to investigate?

If one of the younger children has started scratching or cutting, hasn’t her school taken notice? If the other has unaddressed emotional problems, isn’t the school also noticing that?

3

Can you go see them? See for yourself what’s going on?

4

Too much haste? Seriously?

It sounds like you are saying these things have gone on too long already, do you believe that they should spend months more waiting for DSS?

The police come, the police confirm your assessment of neglect and abuse, the police call DSS or take them to a DSS facility. That’s generally how the process works here at least.

It’s too bad that DSS can’t come out for an immediate check, but they’ve told you what they can do right now without a police report and what you should do next if you truly believe the situation is one of abuse and neglect.
Removing them from this situation seems like a good idea to me.

If it were me in a situation as you have described it, I would call the police and I would call the school.

If you want custody of your half-sisters-in-law, then you and your wife can look into that after the abuse and neglect of their father has been documented and I’m sure DSS can give you information specific to your needs.

If you don’t want that responsibility, and don’t believe foster care or a group home would be a better situation than the one they are in, then do nothing.

But it’s not Oliver Twist-times, and while foster/group homes are not ideal, they’re generally set up for helping and supporting troubled kids.

If you do call the police, they may not even take the kids, or the “system” may just take them temporarily. It might be a good wakeup call for him. I’m not much of a believer in leopards changing their shorts, but you never know.

5

Buff can has for sig???

Ahem.

Dudley, please call the police asap. As bad as things seem for them now, I worry that there could be deeper and more serious abuse going on. At the very least, these girls need someone besides their neglectful father to talk to about the death of their mother.

6

You could call their school and speak to the counselor, and ask her to speak with the children. When a report comes from a school, at least in this state, CPS is mandated to respond within 24 hours. Good luck- please do whatever you can to help these kids.

7

Also, you could call 1-800-4-A-CHILD and speak to someone. They can’t tell you what is and isn’t child abuse, but they can answer some questions and put you in the right direction.

8

You need to step back for moment and consider how this is likely to play out. In the situation as you have described it his main failing seems to be that he is a disabled man whom you dislike intensely, with an unkempt house, one child has long term academic/emotional difficulties, and he has failed to be proactive about controlling their fighting which is stressing out the older sister.

While this may be an unfortunate situation I don’t think you are going to make a successful case of “child abuse” based on the aforesaid scenario, much less have the children removed from his care. What you will do in all likelihood is make a mortal enemy who will likely terminate the contact you do have with the children.

I think offering to step in take in one of the girls in for an extended time so the conflict is reduced, and also possibly offering to assist him in arranging diagnostic testing and tutoring for the younger girl (often offered through schools) would get you much further ahead of the game than trying to demonize him and take the girls away forcefully. If he’s a depressed, angry and disorganized parent of children with difficulties offering a long term helping hand in parenting will go lot further than trying to sic the law on him.

9

You’re welcome to it, it’s not really mine, more of a Terry Pratchett-ism.

And astro, the OP has said that the children have to “sneak” phone calls to their sisters and that the father has made it so even though the older child is coming to their area, it will be impossible for them to visit the way he scheduled it, and the implication is that this is deliberate.

Now we could assume the OP is lying and misrepresenting things, but that makes any advice rendered arbitrary and moot.
Meanwhile, if the police are called and find no evidence of abuse or neglect, there’s no harm. Reporting should be anonymous and if the girls are such messes, and the family relations between father and stepfamily are so strained already, there might only be gain or change to be had.

10

I’m going to put in another vote for calling their school. This way the school counslers can talk to the girls and assess the situation better then you can. If the school thinks all they need is some counsling, they can probably get it through the school. If the school thinks that CPS needs to be involved, then they can call CPS. Yeah, I would call the school and either ask to talk to a school counsler, a nurse or one of their teachers. Someone who can relay the info to where it needs to go.

11

I wish I had some good, sound legal advice to give you but I don’t. I did want to say that it warms my heart to hear of your attempts to help those kids. What your doing is a very hard thing to do both emotionally and financially and in my opinion is just what is lacking in the world today. Sounds to me like your a mans man, Dudley. I like to think I could and would, do the same.

12

What it sounds like is that there is already a high level of antagonism between the adults involved re the father one one side, and the OP and the stepsisters on the other. If the child abuse investigation trigger is pulled on him he will likely know with 100% certainty who did it, and at that point if charges don’t pan out (and honestly it doesn’t sound like they will based on the OP) his determination to restict access may go to next levels. The notion that it will be a “no harm no foul” scenario after being accused of child abuse or endangerment (and the charges don’t pan out) is naive.

13

What if someone tips off the school and the counsler can just happen to be walking near the girl and just happen to notice the scratches on her arm. If she can get the girl to admit they were self inflicted that’s really all that’s needed to get some counsling started, I would think. OTOH, what would happen to the daughter if the dad found out she told people she’s doing that to herself?

14

A school notifying a parent that a child is apparently self harming due to stressors etc. and something MUST be done is an entirely different scenario than the authorities going after a parent based on some external parties allegations of child abuse.

There is no doubt the OPs description sounds like a cluttered, unkempt, dysfunctional environment for the kids, but aside from the kids fighting what is he going to be charged with? Failure to make sure his younger daughter is studying and applying herself academically? Failure to properly discipline the younger child from fighting with her sister? Being controlling about incoming phone calls? Unless his home is so dirty as to be a health hazard there’s just not much traction there that’s going to rise to the level of the kids being removed from him.

15

I think you should call the school, as well, especially as it sounds like you are long-distance.

Regarding foster care and removal from the home: I agree that it’s not like they’d be sent to Dickens’ London, but those are really horrible ages to have a parent die. Everyone I’ve ever known who lost a parent between 10–12 was scarred for life, and I think stability and the children’s wants have to weigh in pretty heavily. I would hope that professionals are used to assessing these situations, but certainly the school is in the best position to advocate for them. At the very least the school should know they have adult siblings who can be contacted in an emergency.

16

And that’s just the thing. Let the school (as opposed to the long distance OP) make the decesion after talking to the girl(s). After talking to her/them the school might found out that while they have a sucky dad, nothing illegal is going on. OTOH, they might find out that there is some abuse going on. They can make the decesion and they can go from there. Maybe the dad doesn’t realize the girl is hurting herself. Maybe he does, but doesn’t care and the school can provide some counseling for her. While I DO think someone needs to be notified, if for no other reason then to get it off your chest, I think the best approach would be to go through the school and let the school decide if the authorities need to be inolved or not.

17

Does mean-spirited imbecile know to what kind of financial aid or social help he, disabled and now a widower and single father, is now entitled? Money usually improves a bad situation somewhat. And being an imbecile, it is quite likely that dad is so scared of government officials and forms to fill out, that he is more likely to “try and provide for his family” by going out and buying scratch tickets.

And, if there is no extra option available to Mean Spirited Imbecile, and I know this idea is going to grate on you and your wife, but how about you and your wife offering some financial, practical aid to the dad?
If you offer, try to sound like you respect him, and say something like: “We may not aways have gone along well, but we do have one goal in common; the well being of your daughters/my half sisters. And we know how hard things are for you right now, emotionally and financially. So how about we pay for some councelling for your daughters, or for a cleaning lady to come in weekly, or for one or both of the daughters to come and stay with us (or at as summeramp nearby) for the summer?”
That would be an offer he might feel less defensive about taking up, and it might fit his self-image better. Also, it might help prevent the blow-up astro predicts. And I think astro is right on this one; while the situation these girls are in sounds deeply depressing and like a profound negative influence on their lives (but not neccesarily on their characters!), it doesn’t sound “bad” enough for the police or DSS to step in.

If I were you, I’d call the school anyway, making sure that whatever they do, they will do it well thought out (this is no emergency) and without mentioning you called; I would also call DSSD again, (and it might take several calls before they take you seriously or untill you’ve found a worker who cares enough) and explain how this is one of those border cases, and ask them what can be done, when all possibilities are considered. So ask them not just what DSS can do, which might be preciously little, but how to employ the rest of the social network these girls still have.

18

Some answers…

They’re kids and they don’t understand why they can’t see their bigger sisters. There is some postmortem legal stuff going on between Jim and the older daughters (they are contesting the administration of the will), which led to all this. Unfortunately, the younger kids are the ones paying for it. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

We called the Massachusetts DSS. Pretty much what they told us is that if the kids aren’t getting raped or beat to an inch of their life, they go to the back of the queue. I don’t know if that’s because there are tons of kids getting physically abused or because the system is full of complacent asses. Either way, it’s not comforting.

Jim isn’t disabled. He a former college jock who’s feeling former football injuries. He CAN work. He just chooses not to (says he’s in too much pain, but is never unable to stack firewood, drive, carry groceries, hang plasma TVs, etc) and has an ex-college buddy who’s an MD, so he gets the necessary letters to submit to social security. In other words, he’s mooching off the system.

We spoke to the 12-year-old last night. She’s approached her school counselor about her home life, and according to her, the counselor doesn’t even seem to be paying attention when she’s speaking. Schools aren’t full of good people, unfortunately, folks. GOOD counselors and GOOD teachers pick up on this sort of stuff and take action. Speaking to her last night, she was despondent and nervous, very much unlike her.

We’re not afraid of Jim knowing who filed the complaints. Once they’re filed and an investigation is launched, he’s more or less on notice with the state, subsequent action not withstanding.

What I meant by the police handling the situation with haste, is that in my experience with cops, they’re neither the smartest nor the most empathetic individuals. And usually in situations requiring care, they approach them like bulls in a china closet. That is just my experience, and I have little faith in how law enforcement deals with children. Also, the concern is that the police’s involvement will make a volatile situation even more so. My wife, who’s worked in social services, corroborates. Her mother, the deceased, ironically, spent 25 years of her life as a social worker.

The kids getting removed from the household isn’t the objective, it’s to make the father accountable, to get the kids what they need, not deal unnecessary abuse, etc. They just lost a parent. They shouldn’t lose the other, even if he is a fucking asshole.

Thanks Omegaman. We’re doing what we can.

19

Missed edit window:

…So ask them not just what DSS can do, which might be preciously little, (as Dudley Garret has said) but how to employ the rest of their local social network these girls still have. There might be neighbours, friends’ parents, church officials all around them who just need to be encouraged to step in.

My brother, for instance, was in a somewhat similar situation during his last year in highschool; he ended up staying half the year at his grandmothers and half the year at his best friends’ parents house.

20

Thanks for your post. The good thing is that Jim has a sister who’s level-headed and a decent person. She’s spending an increasing amount of time with the girls. My wife is on the phone with her as I type this, having a conversation on the state of the situation. Speaking to an adult who’s there is refreshing.

We were hesitant to call her because she’s Jim’s sister, but we figured it’s worth a shot at this point to ask some questions.