So, Kid Cheesesteak is in 6th grade, and his best friend is kind of a hot mess. He lives down the street from us with his mom and stepdad, in a house of complete chaos. His mom has admitted problems with alcohol and prescription drugs, his sister (5th grade) has been an emotional roller coaster with multiple emotional crises over the few years we’ve known them.
His grades have tanked, he seems to be ill prepared for anything school related, doesn’t know when assignments are due, when tests are, and his parents seem unable or unwilling to help guide him. It’s gotten to the point where my son, who has the same teachers he does, is tutoring him on the classwork and my wife is reminding him to study for the next test.
The Mrs and I are disturbed that this boy is floundering, and not getting the support he needs. Is it terribly inappropriate to hit up one of his teachers or school administrators, fill them in a bit on his home life and see if he can get extra help? Do we just keep on with helping him whenever he comes over to study, and work with his dad (who has part time custody) on getting him the help he needs? Writing it down makes me think we should stay the hell out of it, but he’s a good kid and someone needs to look out for him.
It’s good of you to want to help and you should continue to help the kid directly. But, I don’t think you should involve yourselves on his behalf with school officials. If you’re willing and able, continue to do as much as you can, and make sure he knows that your door is always open to him. Be mindful that once middle school and high school age hits, he and your son might drift apart. You have to be ready to step back without unnecessary complications. What you’re doing now is likely the best thing you can really do under the circumstances.
Among other things, it’s possible that the kid’s mother and stepfather will react negatively if they find out that you’ve interceded with the school on their son’s behalf. And if they’re such a “hot mess” as you describe, it’s very possible that they are the type that you don’t want to have reacting negatively.
I agree. Help where you can at your house. Maybe a study time with your son 3 days a week. The school won’t engage you about his issues. They may make a report but you’ll not be in the loop.
I would be tempted to call his Dad. That could backfire if Dad takes it to the boys Mom. She may resent you and your son to the point of not allowing the friendship.
CPS? I don’t think I could do that unless he was abused or seriously neglected. IMHO.
Another vote for not interfering, his grades will show if he’s having trouble, at which point hopefully parents and/or teachers will do something.
I think anything you try to proactively do could just as easily be construed negatively by the parents, they would likely get defensive about it.
Best you can do is provide a good example with your home life and how you and your family treat each other. You and your son should help the kid only in your home and only if you are asked for help.
Another vote for not interacting with the school in his or his parent’s behalf. At best, it could piss of the parents because they likely prefer you not air their dirty laundry. At worst, you could unintentionally end up with CPS involved.
My suggestion is to keep helping him. Work with him on homework and studying. If you’re okay with it, offer to let him sleep over a few nights a week, just to get him a break from the chaos.
If you know his dad well enough, it would probably be better to talk this over him, as opposed to the school.
We went through something similar when my son was around the same age. He had a good friend, A. I noticed A was not at school a few times and when I asked my son, he would tell me that sometimes A’s mom was too sick to drive him to school. (We discovered later she was an alcoholic and likely hungover). Sometimes no one would come pick A up from school so we would take him home with us. On those days, his dad would usually come get him after work. When A was staying at his dad’s he got to school just fine, but we still had him after school until his dad was off work.
Long story short, we started talking with A’s dad, letting him know A was welcome at our house any day, any time. We didn’t engage with his mother or the school. Eventually, A’s dad ended up with sole custody, moved close enough that A could ride his bike to and from school, but we were always still there for him. If it was raining or too hot, we would still pick him up for school. We just did what we could to make sure he could succeed.
Ten years later my son and A are still very good friends. When he got his college acceptance letter senior year of high school, he thanked me for being there for him. I could barely blink back the tears. This spring A graduates from MIT. We’re so proud of him.
I’m going to respectfully disagree with my esteemed fellow Dopers here. While the school should already be aware of the situation, there’s no guarantee, and the kid’s failing grades and forgetfulness suggest emotional turmoil that needs to be addressed pronto. If you call the school and speak to the principal, you may not even have to give your name, and they’re under no obligation to share it with the parents if you do. With his troubling grades and behavior, the school has ample cause for calling the parents or DFS, if need be. They’re not going to call the parents and say, “Hey, Cheesesteak called and said you’re lousy parents.” It doesn’t work that way. If you suspect the boy is being neglected, you may be a mandated reporter in your state, and the school definitely would be.
As for you and your family, I think taking the boy under your wing would be terrific. I had a student in a roughly similar situation, only he was a high school kid. Another family had him over for dinner most nights and oversaw his homework. Gradually and with the parents’ permission, they basically took him in. The parents were relieved–more drinking time, less hassle. Without this family, there’s no doubt in my mind the kid would’ve dropped out of school. Instead, he played sports, graduated, and went to a community college.
And kudos to your son for stepping up and tutoring his buddy. You’re raising a fine young man there. Easy to see where he gets it.
Sounds like he could use some sort of planner or assignment book. I seem to recall around middle school was when they started handing them out to help keep track of the increase in home work and important tests. Get both your son and his friend one and check that they’re using them. It’s a good habit to start.
I was in a similar situation when my kid was in high school. His friend stayed over most weekends and some week nights because of his home’s chaos.
I ran into him again when he was around 22-23. While not a MIT grad, he did finish high school and managed to get a job and get into trade school.
One of my proudest moments was when he thanked me for all I had done for him back then, and that he credits me for helping him to get where he was now.
I’m kind of with you, except with a slightly different tack. I think involving the principal as a first step is unnecessary escalation and does run the risk of going too far and pissing off the parents. Instead, I recommend talking to a teacher. Pick one that your child shares, so you have some existing relationship (even if it’s nothing more than “my kid is in your class”). I recommend a script like “hey, just wanted to let you know that my kid is helping X with some of the assignments in your class because X seems to be struggling. Through their friendship, I know that X has some challenges at home. I’m not advocating any action, I just wanted you to be aware of the situation.”
My good friend is a middle-school teacher and would appreciate such a note. She and the other teachers do discuss kids that are struggling and how to help them, but she has a lot of students so she’s not always the first to spot a problem.
So both parents are in the picture, mom’s a lush and bio-dad is…what’s he make of all this? Is he as messed up as mom? Is he afraid to go for full custody? Why do YOU have to be involved (and good on ya, by the way, you already above and beyond)?
Good advice. I recommended talking with the principle because all the kid’s teachers plus the guidance counselors need to know what’s going on and that they need to watch him carefully. A single teacher may or may not spread the word to her colleagues and ensure the kid gets help from the guidance counselor. Again, the parents wouldn’t know cheesesteak called. That’s not the way it works.
When my sister-in-law was in high school she had a friend in a similar situation. The friend, “Sarah” would come home with her after school, do her homework, often stay for dinner and then be driven home by my mother-in-law. Eventually she started staying overnight and even lived with them for some months.
There was never an official discussion with the school, the mother (I believe there was a very messy divorce going on, but everything was resolved before I met my husband and in-laws) or anyone else. The support provided by my inlaws just developed, and later reduced, when it was no longer necessary.
Sarah is still very close to my mother-in-law.
I think if you keep with this
you’re already helping. There’s a risk that the mother will somehow block you and your family and make things even worse, so any direct intervention should be carefully considered. As soon as you talk to a teacher or anyone else from the school, all of whom are probably mandatory reporters, you might start a chain of events which will be out of your control, and may not get the results you would like to see.
It’s probably worth discussing with his dad, who hopefully wants whats best for his children. If you don’t already know him, now would be the time to change that, before doing anything else.
IANAL, and I don’t know what state the OP lives in, but in 18 states, all adults are mandatory reporters. IF the OP suspects the boy is being neglected or abused, he may be required by law to report it to DFS. In some states, this can be done anonymously; in some, the reporting person’s name and contact information are required but are not shared with anyone outside the possible investigation. In 48 states school personnel are mandatory reporters, so if the school is aware the boy’s home situation involves neglect/abuse, the school should have already called DFS.
Reporting does not automatically mean an investigation, and an investigation does not necessarily mean foster care. DFS has a lot of resources to help troubled families so that foster care won’t be necessary.
Obviously if the OP doesn’t suspect abuse or neglect, just a chaotic home life, then he’s not obligated to report.
To respond to a couple of posts. We don’t suspect abuse or neglect in a sense where the authorities should get involved just slipshod parenting at this point. As far as I can tell, the kids are fed and clothed and bathed, not beaten or emotionally abused, they’re just not really parented enough, and it shows. The daughter has legitimate emotional problems, which are well known to her teachers, who are in a better place than I am to decide what needs to be reported.
The dad seems like an OK guy, though we’ve seen him filtered through his ex’s eyes, as we have far more contact with her than with him, so we may have developed a lower opinion of him than he deserves*. He only has the kids once a week and a couple of weekends a month, and the daughter apparently wants nothing to do with him. We don’t know if that’s because there’s something legitimately wrong with his relationship with her, or if it’s because he actually tries to parent, while mom let’s her do whatever she wants.
*It’s completely screwed up the way we form impressions, sometime this summer we were in contact with the dad who had his girlfriend in tow. Now, in the back of my head was the idea that this was a negative thing, like he’s showing off his girlfriend to get back at his ex. His ex who was re-married and had a kid with the new husband (heretofore unmentioned in this thread because he’s not that involved) and I’m internally slagging on this guy for having a girlfriend. :rolleyes: I clearly need to reset whatever negative impression I’ve had of him and start with a clean slate.
My main concern on reading the OP was about signs of abuse, so I’m glad that’s been covered already. So with that aside:
Helping the kid to stay up with his schoolwork is the most important thing you can do for him right now - particularly his reading skills. If he can maintain the ability to keep up with material through high school, he has a fighting chance.
For many at-risk kids, the downward spiral goes like this:
A student is stressed by factors which originate outside of the school.
The stress presents as behavioral issues which impact their ability to absorb material.
The student falls behind in fundamental skills.
The student loses the ability to function in the classroom.
The academic deficit presents as more behavioral issues, which further impacts their ability to absorb material.
The school begins interventions, which may make the student feel singled out and may cause more stress at home as ill-equipped but well-meaning parents overcorrect in an attempt to address the problem. Assuming they care enough to address it at all.
And so on.
Since the student doesn’t have a stable home life, it’s increasingly difficult to correct the situation as time goes on. By the end of middle school, they might be reading two or three levels lower than they should. Then they’re in high school, which has ever greater academic and emotional demands. It’s a very difficult tailspin to pull out of.
Take an at-risk kid, pull their academic transcript, and you can often see the exact semester where this cycle starts.
I vote with many who say it isn’t your role to report anything to the school. That could easily rebound against you. Assuming the teacher is paying attention, he/she is already aware that there is a problem.
My suggestion is that your child tell the teacher directly that he is helping his friend and that you as his parents are agreeable to that effort. Something to the effect that “Billy and I are studying together and my mom is helping”. That way the teacher knows that there is a resource available for the child in trouble. That gives the teacher something to discuss with the counselor if that seems appropriate to the teacher. It also keeps the families separated.
As others have said, your family is a lifesaver here. The help you can provide just by being there as an example of a successful family will make a world of difference to this child. Bless you.