I’m at my wit’s end with him. For the most part he’s always been a pretty good kid, but for the last year, he’s turned just plain mean, nasty and disrespectful.
I’m a stay at home mom, I’m involved in his afterschool activities, and I really try to do my best.
I got a call from his teacher last week, she said he refused to do a book report in school because he didn’t feel like reading it. When she asked him why, he said he had better things to do. She gives the kids 20 minutes every day to read, so he really didn’t have anything else to do. He dosn’t seem to have any problems with his schoolwork other then laziness. He gets good grades.
Today is picture day at my daughter’s school, she’s wearing a little dress, and she asked me why I don’t wear too many dresses, so I told her that I would wear a dress when we go somewhere nice, otherwise I don’t. My son went and shot off his mouth to say that I look ugly in a dress. It was a remark that was totally uncalled for.
I don’t know what to do with him, he’s been grounded, he’s lost privlidges, but nothing seems to work. He’s only nine years old.
Sorry to hear about this dragongirl. Not to pry, but is there something going on in his life to make him mad? Are you together with his dad, is he getting picked on at school? Kids have so many things that bother them that seem like nothing to adults, but for them its their whole world.
Will your insurance cover some type of counciling? Its hard, and will probably get him more angry at first, but if you stick with it, the communication should open up.
I’m sure you have already thought of these ideas, but if not, give them a shot. Good luck.
IANAP, but I did grow up in a large single parent family where I often acted as the primary care giver of my younger siblings. Sudden bad behavior may be indicative of some other problem. I would expect this type of behavior in a teenager (with the raging hormones and all) but it may be acting out in a 9 year old. Try to find out if there is something else going on here. Perhaps he is being bullied at school? Was there a recent major family change (divorce, etc.)? Is he hanging out with a new group of kids?
My son is only 4 so this is advice from someone without much experience, but here goes. First off, I would talk seriously about this with his pediatrician. He amy be ill and a drastic change in behaviour is always call for alarm. Maybe she could recommend a good counselor for all of you. Check out his friends, how well do you know them? Have they changed recently?
I think we need more info to really be of any help, but I think your first step should be talking to his pediatrician. Certainly talk to his teachers as well, they may not have any advice but they can help keep you informed as to what goes on at school. As a former teacher, I hate to say that since they are so overworked already, but I taught because I loved kids and I LOVED cooperative parents. If all else seems to fail, find someone on the web in a similar situation and strike up a friendship–you need to look out for number 1 as much as you do for your children and knowing you aren’t alone in this can be of tremendous help.
Wish I could be of more help. Just know that I am pulling for you. Let us know how it goes.
Single mom of a 9yr old boy here… I think at this age they are just really starting to figure out who they are and where they fit in. I’m starting to get a lot more attitude than I ever used to and I can sympathize with your frustration. This sounds a little pre-historic in todays way of thinking but I make him stand in the corner when he acts out. I’ve tried everything else with limited success and I’m really trying not to do the ‘lecture’ thing too much. He just tunes me out. Mostly, I’ve been trying to give him a lot of extra love and attention when he’s good. In so many ways this is the best age yet! He’s smart and funny and creative… Best of luck to you!
Thanks for everything so far. Yes, me and his daddy have been happily married for a little more then 10 years, and thought my husband works a lot of hours, he tries to spend time with my son. On weekends he even takes him to work with him, My boy just loves that.
The only signifigant change has been a move to middle school to primary school this year. I’ve spoken to his teacher, and she sees the attitude, but hasn’t mentioned that he’s being bullied. The group of boys in his class are new to him, so mabey he’s picking this up from them, I don’t know these boys or their parents. We live in a rural area so all the kids take busses to and from school. My son has been tested for ADD and ADHD but they came up negative. He like the teenagers he knows and I think he’s trying to be “cool” like they are. I just don’t know how to deal with this behavior.
The move to middle school was enough to disrupt my daughter to hell and back – to the point where she nearly failed. After we put her through both academic and personal counseling she rebounded, but changing schools, changing classmates, etc. is certainly enough to set some kids off.
I just wanted to add, I wonder if the terrorist attacks have anything to do with it. Last night he woke up with a bad dream. He dreamed that a war was going on in the U.S. and a soldier was aiming a gun at him and was going to shoot him. I told him that everything was going to be OK and we were safe. Until last night I didn’t know the events had really affected him, we don’t have the news on all the time.
My son just turned 9 this week, and we have been getting this attitude thing for some time now. He’s seeing a shrink, on meds for ADD, but still gets completely oppositional for no reason. He is so smart that he doesn’t need to pay attention in school to know what’s going on, but it drives his teacher batty when he sits in a corner and reads while the class does the class thing. I realy have no advice to give, dragongirl, I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone!
This is slightly off the OP, but one nugget I try to remember is that a reward isn’t a reward if the kid doesn’t like it, and it’s not a punishment if he doesn’t care.
Giving candy in wealthy neighborhoods sometimes can get you nowhere, and taking recess away from 4th grade Hispanic girls (some of them) has no effect: they weren’t going to do anything but sit and talk anyway (I found this out the hard way).
Of course, there may be many reasons why your son is acting this way, but I also wonder if there isn’t a lesson here that can be taught: you have to do it even when it’s not fun at all. It’s your job. Then continue trying to root out the cause of the problem.
I’m assuming that there isn’t something so wrong that he simply can’t be expected to be judged by the same criteria as his classmates. You don’t mention retardation or autism, or something on this scale.
Have you tried sitting him down and asking him whats going on? Somthing I forget ot do occasionally, I just assume my kid will speak out and tell me if somethings wrong(my son is the same age). Kids don’t always do that, you have to drag it out of them sometimes. It does sound to me like something is going on, and he is pissed about it.
Did he move from a middle school to a primary one, or from a primary school to a middle school? And I really don’t get why middle school in any form is an option for a 3rd grader. Isn’t that 6th-8th grades? Once I get a handle on his school situation, I’ll be able to throw in 2 cents.
As it stands, here’s my ha’penny:
When I hit exactly third grade, I became like your son: good grades, but lazy and sullen at school, crabby at home, and I generally gave off an aura of wanting to be left alone to do my thing in peace. Until I hit third, I’d been in a combo 1/2/3-grade class. When I was in second, I did the work of the third graders and was perfectly happy. When I hit third, I was bored out of my mind. Hated the schoolwork. It carried over into every other thing I did. My teacher, who, bless her heart, liked me and wanted to help, hit on having me tested, and I wound up going to a school for gifted children.
Once I was in a class that challenged and interested me, I was fine. The behavioral problems stopped, tantrums disappeared, and I was a much nicer child to be around.
Another minor thing that I doubt factors in, but may, is nutrition/sugar/caffeine. Sorry to relate another personal anecdote, but my mom had a nightmare of a time dealing with me until she figured out that I tended to sugar-crash pretty hard. I still do, getting teary and angry and guilty over nothing, although once I eat, I’m fine. Does your son need to “graze” throughout the day rather than be restricted to set mealtimes? Or is he eating regularly, but eating too much sugar or other junk food? Things like that really can affect one’s outlook and function.
Reading while in class isn’t nessicarally a bad thing. All I ever did in class was read fiction, and I turned out pretty well.
School was boring for me anyways. DragonGirl, I was exactly the same way with my parents from the time I was 11 until I was 18. I was very, very, hard on my parents, but they never gave up one me. Not even once.
The day before I left for college my mom and I had it out… it was not pretty.
I told her I hated her and a couple of things that I won’t mention here, and I’ll never forget it. After a year of college I came home with a little more of an open mind and I apoligised for everything I had said to my mother. And I meant it.
I thank God every day that she forgave me.
We’ve been best friends ever since, and she is the strength that I lean on when I feel weak.
So, I’m sorry… I don’t have any really great advice for the present other than, carry on!
Yeah, boys have a tendency to get nasty sometimes. It’s not your fault. I have spent a lot of time dating women with boys in that age range. It’s kinda like a box of chocolates what you get.
I would check his nutrition out. Check he isn’t getting too much sugar. It might not be too much sugar, it could be caffeine from soda. But then might not even be that. It’s really tricky for me to diagnose from far away.
Could be a whole lot of things. But I would start with nutrition & foods first.
