My 8th grader just got suspended for two days for throwing some food that splashed onto another student in the cafeteria. The story we have gotten from multiple sources (vice principal and after-school program counselor) is that he is a basically good kid who makes dumb decisions when he hangs out with some less basically good kids.
His grades are also down a lot. He pulled all A’s except for Math last year and we just found out that this semester he is headed for C’s in all his classes except music and PE and an F in Math. He hasn’t been doing homework and assignments and has been telling us that they were done. We can check this on the school website (and will be doing so going forward), but we never had to before. He was basically honest about it, even when he was having trouble or screwed up a test or something.
So, tell me how you helped your kid pull himself out of this kind of hole. Advice on the social or academic end would be helpful.
We will be talking to teachers, taking away privileges to be earned back and having him do the work he blew off, even with no credit.
First of all, is there any kind of turmoil in his/your life that would be causing him to act out? Things like parental conflict, a change in residence, or friends/family moving away could all be factors.
As far as what to do about it, I think he would probably benefit from an activity to keep him occupied and engaged in/after school. Sports or band or choir or theatre could work (band is what worked for me). Although I don’t know what kind of kids his friends are, sometimes kids get into trouble because they’re bored. If he has a friend who likes to start shit out of boredom, it could be very hard for him not to get involved without losing that friend.
When you say bad crowd, how bad is bad? If he’s a good kid who just got involved with a bad crowd, he may become a bad kid of his own volition before too long. If it’s something serious like drug involvement/property damage/squirrel torturing, you might want to consider changing schools. And maybe he’d find the bad kids at his new school, anyway. But maybe he could benefit from a fresh start, instead.
-grounding/other punishment at home
-have him spend a few days in the self-contained classroom (one room for all classes, for health or behavior-impaired children) and stay there if behavior doesn’t improve
-take him to your community’s behavioral health program for counseling/medication assessment
-take him out of that school and enroll him in your community’s “day treatment” program, essentially a state school with intensive supervision, and a prison-like environment
There is no turmoil right now, in fact we had a very peaceful summer. We had a batch of this sort of behavior for a while last year, but he seemed to turn it around by the end of the year and finished with good grades.
I think he has always been the kid who doesn’t really have a better way to make friends than to be the clown or go along. The after school counselor told us that he has occasionally been taking the blame for some things the “bad kids” did when he wasn’t really involved. He also said that my son is really an “angel” and gets along with and even helps the other kids when that certain group is not around. So far the bad behavior has been horseplay, rather than anything mean or really destructive. No drugs, I think. He doesn’t really have much opportunity for that right now. He is in pretty structured situations or with us.
He does have some after school stuff. He is in Boy Scouts, although he is not sure he wants to continue. He is also in the school orchestra–and we do think it is one of the most positive things he does.
We’re not ruling out seeing a doctor.
Thanks for the replies. I’ll check back here tomorrow.
I’m surprised he’s having such trouble making friends, because you say he’s not afriad to branch out to other groups and is helpful. I think you should be frank with him. Tell him those boys are going in a bad direction and where they’ll probably end up if they keep up with this behavior. I would also tell him, they’re not his friends if he has to take the blame for things he didn’t do to hang out with them. Maybe you should encourage him to have a sleep over with other boys from orchestra or invite them to a movie. Encourage friendships with that crowd.
Middle school is the time the hormones start to kick in, which means it’s also prime time for adolescent mood swings, and more importantly, adolescent depression. Lying about a simple thing like homework is a tipoff that something is wrong.
I see kids a little later–high school–but there are several very different patterns to general low-grades. They need different handling.
The first is the kid that’s just a mess. He wants to do well, but can’t keep track of anything and always feels defeated. He can’t remember what his homework assignments are, and if he does, he forgets to bring home his book. If he manages to do the assignment, he’s likely to leave it at home or otherwise lose it. If he manages to make it to class with the assignment, he’s likely to forget to turn it in. This kid needs help: he needs strategies and techniques to organize his life, and he will take to them quite well if given a chance.
Other kids have suddenly hit a wall where school is suddenly hard, and they fall apart. They never had to really think before, and now that they do, they either freak out and give up (that’s the perfectionists who think they are failures for even having to work at it) or they yawn and give up (that’s the lazy ones). The perfectionists need a sense of perspective and recalibration of expectations, and the lazy bones need motivation and purpose.
Then there’s the ones that really just don’t give a fuck. They care about whatever they care about–or, worst case, they don’t care about anything–and they can’t be budged. Any attempt to tough love them will backfire, because keeping their pride is more important than anything–anything–you could possibly offer or take away. With these kids, you have to keep it from being a power struggle, and you have to let all their consequences be natural–they have to come from the world, not you. This is the brilliant kid you let fail the 8th grade because he’ll never forgive you if you make him do something he didn’t want to do to pass, and he’ll punish you by failing over and over again in high school, since you’ve proven you care more about his success than he does, or than you do about him.
So he’s what, 13 or 14? Bang on target for the nastiest streak of behaviour since he was 2, so you can expect this for a year or two. That said you can’t take it for granted he’ll pull out of his own accord, as my stepson did.
To me the most important issue here is the lying about the homework. Make it clear to him how much it hurts you that he lied to you, and over such trivial stuff. One approach is to sit with him as he does the homework, he mustn’t be allowed to get away with this any longer.
And remove all electronic devices and screen from his bedroom. No TV, no games consoles, no computers, no tablets and no smart phones. If he has any of those I’ll bet he’s sneaking time on them during ‘homework’ hours or even at night when you think he’s sleeping. These devices should only ever be available and used in common space in the house.
Yeah, this. Especially the first couple of sentences. Just keep him on track. Make him do the work. He doesn’t sound like a bad kid at ALL, he’s just a teenager now. I predict in a couple-few years he’ll pull out of it, but it might be a rough year of running rough-shod over him, reminding him that he’s got responsibilities. Like school.
Does he usually do his homework in his room? If so, he should lose that privilege. I don’t see the point in grounding him for not doing his homework - this takes care of that punishment. He should now do his homework every night at the kitchen or dining room table where you can keep an eye on him. He also should keep a detailed planner of what his assignments are, and make him ask his teachers to sign his planner after he fills it out. I would also see if you could schedule parent-teacher conferences to see what personal recommendations they have for your son in addition to this.
Hormones might very well be a big part of it. He might have discovered porn…or he might have discovered that he’s interested in porn, since he’s probably run across some porn already. He might be playing online games. Even worse, he might have discovered message boards/forums. The “no screens in the bedroom” rule will take care of these situations. For right now, all of his electronics get kept and charged in some room other than his bedroom at night. You might have to do it in your room for a while. He can earn back his screens in his room if he makes progress, but only during waking hours. After curfew, the screens have to leave his room for the night… He can read under the covers with a flashlight like WE used to have to do.
Ask his teachers for some extra credit assignments to keep on hand for him. Since he’s flunking math, he probably needs to be doing some more routine drills in particular. Even if he’s definitely going to fail math this term, he needs to be working on his math skills, so he can pass next term. Also, if he “forgets” his books or whatever, he will still have some schoolwork to do for the evening, he can’t just goof off.
Put together a simple one page contract between you and your kid. Lay out the expectations, i.e. try his best, no late assignments, etc. etc. (I wouldn’t put particular grades here, more objective things that he can control) Lay out the consequences, i.e. lost priveleges, etc. for not meeting expectations, being disciplined at school, etc. Be specific on the on the consequences. This will also help you, as when those time come, there is no arguing about unfairness, etc. It will also help you if you or his father have a tendency to overreact in these situations. Then lay out what the rewards are at the end of the semester, year etc. for fulfilling all of the expectations.
This worked well for my son and I when he went through a tough spell at about the same age as your son.
I teach that age group. It is a rare 7th/8th grader who isn’t at having some kind of drama. Grade slumps are common as are episodes of acting out like throwing food. I wouldn’t go running to any psychologists or doctors just yet.
Thanks everyone. I appreciate everyone’s input, especially those of you that are in the trenches with this age group every day.
I’m sure part of it is hormones–he literally grew a foot last year and is about 6 feet tall now. As a kid who was tall early myself, I know that looking older than you are can be an issue.
He had a really good summer and earned a smartphone as a reward, but we do keep pretty close tabs on computer and internet use. He has no electronics except an old CD player installed in his room and we don’t have a TV at all. In any case, he won’t be using anything like that at all very much for a while, except for homework, and we are going to keep strict limits on how much time he gets to hole up in his room
He had been doing his homework (supposedly) in the dedicated hour they have for that in his after school program. He will continue to work there, plus we will go over all of it with him on evenings and weekends. The school system has a way for parents to track each assignment, including grades. We hadn’t had to monitor him that much before, but we will now.
We are making it clear that our priorities are honesty, consideration for others and hard work–not specific grades.
We are also keeping ourselves open to the idea of counseling for him, although I don’t think he is depressed. I think it’s more of a maturity issue. However, if we are having trouble communicating with him, it might be better for someone more neutral to give it a try.
I’ve been thinking about Manda Jo’s categories, and I honestly don’t know which, if any, he fits into. School has come a bit easy for him–he gets very good standardized test scores, but he’s also pretty disorganized. We do try to let him choose some things that are just his own, mainly music-related, but we also are insisting on some positive group activities and volunteer work where he might just want to laze around.
I think there are a lot of good suggestions here. One thing I would caution about is the use of doctors up front. Right now your concern is about bad grades. Establishing contact and appointments with the school counselor may be all that is needed to identify what is currently going on, and then plan from there.
A friend of mine has two teenagers, and is routinely at the doctor’s office with them (once or twice a week). Any sniffle, pain, or soreness causes a trip to the doctor. And if one of them is just feeling down or emotional, that necessitates a trip to the counselor. They are hopelessly and utterly dependent on doctors and counselors to help guide their lives and help them make decisions. I do not know what sort of adults they will become. Seems like a slippery slope - so proceed slowly and do not just run to see a doctor as a first response, IMHO.
Just keep him on track. Make him do the work. He doesn’t sound like a bad kid at ALL, he’s just a teenager now. I predict in a couple-few years he’ll pull out of it, but it might be a rough year of running rough-shod over him, reminding him that he’s got responsibilities. Like school.
The “no screens in the bedroom” rule will take care of these situations. For right now, all of his electronics get kept and charged in some room other than his bedroom at night. You might have to do it in your room for a while. He can earn back his screens in his room if he makes progress, but only during waking hours. After curfew, the screens have to leave his room for the night… He can read under the covers with a flashlight like WE used to have to do.