For 3 long, frustrating, exhausting, years I’ve fought the good fight.
I’ve used every trick in the book, and invented one or two in the process I’m sure.
It is clear to me that there is no force on earth that is greater, no threat that is more frightening, no appeal to reason that is more self evident, no consequence that is more daunting, than the sheer will power of a young teen determined to not give a flying fuck about his school work.
I have spent my last round and I forthwith surrender.
I doubt this is helpful but I had a 15yr son who was bracketed by two sisters who were and still are high achievers. My son by comparison was so laid back he was asleep. But intelligent too.
Fortunately for us, our boy was a gymnast and became a coach which possibly sparked his Go button.
Today he is 19yr at University and following a Physical Education degree. Doing well…? Yes seems to. Following his dream.
Boys are different to girls. They will only spark when they meet something which engages their interest. Astronomy, manga, football, music, whatever…ask your son what he thinks is cool.
Yes. My then 15 year old, who is demonstratively gifted in math and failed his math class and squeaked by on the rest, just completed his freshman year in college with a 3.67 GPA, made freshman honor society and is entering the honors program. We fought him tooth and nail in high school and he just didn’t give a wit.
He just needed to get of high school and grow up, but now he’s focused, motivated and doing great.
I think this is way too much a generalization of boy/girl. My two nephews werer night and day about motivation. One was a high achiever and was completely motivated to do well. The other had to wait until he was sparked, after just getting through college. He found his passion later.
Far as I can tell, my son is interested in watching skateboarders on YouTube, but not actually doing skateboarding himself. He’s interested in watching gaming on YouTube, but not actually learning about gaming himself. He’s interested in stupid people doing dumb shit on YouTube. Thank Og he’s not motivated enough to go out and do stupid shit himself. Can I tell you about the number of sports he’s joined, excited as all get out to be on the team? Until he gets his ass handed to him because he’s a rookie and some kids are more experienced and simply care more and try harder. So he just packs it in and quits.
Drugs and alcohol?.. Nope. That would require more initiative than he seems capable of.
And intelligent? Sure. Scores well above average in every aptitude test the schools throw at him. School admins and social workers have called me in every year since middle school and told me he’s a pleasure to have in class, polite, happy, non-disruptive, sociable… he just doesn’t do his homework. As a result he is almost always failing about half his subjects. Somehow, at the end of the year, he ends up with a D. I suspect the teachers take pitty and don’t want to fail him. Though he’s repeating Algebra this year, but guess what, failing that again because homework is never handed in and as a result he is ill prepared for the tests.
Just to be clear, I’ve never demanded A’s from him. Given up on B’s at this point as well. I just ask him not to bring home F’s. May as well be talking to the wall.
At this rate, I’m not sure which college will accept him with that track record.
I think there’s lots of reasons people do or do not achieve. I was a horrible high school student but did reasonably well in college - I’ve seen a lot of other people go the other way too. I’m really not a motivated person for a lot of things. At work I do my best because I don’t want to make anyone else’s life miserable, but not for any other reason. In college I just wanted to learn the subjects I was taking the good grades were more of a side effect. Some people are just not motivated to achieve things unless they have a reason that makes sense to them. My parents tried every trick in the book to get me to study in high school, but none of it worked . They were just very miserable people so I was only interested in what I wanted to do now, the future was gonna suck no matter what as far as I could tell - both my parents were highly educated but miserable, hated each other and had no friends and complained about working all the time; so I really just associated school achievement with growing up to live a miserable life. I’m not a really successful adult, so I don’t have any good advise or moral to the story or anything like that - I am much happier than I thought I would be when I was younger though; and I am not in a bad relationship.
I know you said you’ve tried every trick in the book, but have you tried taking away the internet connection? Unplug it every night at 11. I assume you have tried taking away his laptop (or taken the mouse and keyboard connections to his desktop) and for some reason that hasn’t worked.
In some ways though, giving up - briefly, not forever - might not be a bad idea if you’re really sure he won’t respond. Gives you some breathing space. And I totally empathise with what you’re saying. My daughter is not a natural hard worker, and she’s not the type who can ace exams without working, either, so it’s really stressful making her study. I know, that’s my job as a parent, but it’s fucking exhausting.
She was in year 8 (aged 12) when I “gave up on her” schoolwise for a couple of months. Her report was SO much worse in that time period that it gave both of us evidence that she does actualy need me to tell her to do stuff. She had previously thought she’d be fine if only it weren’t for me telling her to do stuff all the time. Unfortunately she has now forgotten that time and this is too critical a period for me to take a break again.
Yep, tried the block everything on the internet trick. Trouble is, so much of what they do in school requires access to on line resources. Half his textbooks are on line now. Every time I’d block YouTube, the teacher would assign an educational video requiring me to unblock it. I became my son’s personal security admin.
I’ve thrown my hands up in defeat any number of times now. Generally it will last for 24 to 48 hours. After which I sigh deeply and get back to doing my job and hoping he’ll do his.
I don’t mean block everything on the internet: I mean unplug the physical internet connection (the cable from the router to the socket) at your house late at night, because odds are he’s doing lots of this stuff after you go to bed. This also means you can’t use the internet, but them’s the breaks.
If he requires access to online resources, he can do that sitting next to you, or use your computer while sitting next to you. This is kinda annoying to do but takes less time and aggro than arguing about getting on the internet.
There are lots of useful online resources that would help my daughter with her GCSEs, but if I gave her more free time on the internet no way would she access those resources without me there - she’d just go on tumblr. I know this because I’ve tried it. So there really is no point giving her access to the internet just for those.
So, have you tried taking his computer away? I mean, I mentioned it as something you would have done, but have you?
If you have genuinely given up, then give up. Not for 24 or 48 hours but for weeks. He’s 15; will his grades now really affect him in the future?
Genuine question because my daughter’s also 15 and her grades will definitely affect her future (quite seriously) because kids here have external exams at 15/16 without which they can’t get into good courses, but our system is different (the kids aren’t :D).
If you can afford to go for, say, two months letting him see what it’s like being let free, it would be great for both of you. A day is just you being annoyed, not you really giving up and giving him responsibility for his own choices.
My daughter was much the same… indifferent grades in high school, turned down by seven of the eight colleges she applied to, graduated cum laude, took honors in her master’s program, and is now a productive member of society.
It may take time, and some effort to find his niche, but it can happen.
I was that teenager. I never went out. Never drank. Never partied. I just didn’t do my homework. I wasn’t bad, just lazy.
It’s funny that you post this, as I was just talking to my wife about my apathetic high school years. I saw my transcripts and I was surprised I actually graduated. One year I had a 1.5 GPA.
After high school I went into the military for an enlistment then got out and went to college. Maybe I grew up? Maybe I found my passion? Maybe actually paying for school made me care? Maybe Iraq really fucking sucked? I don’t know. What I do know is I went from barely graduating high shool to getting a full ride to UCLA, choosing another UC, and graduating with a 3.67. Oh, and now I’m about to go to graduate school this fall.
So yeah, my mom was just like you and have given up. You don’t know what may push your son to do better.
It probably helped that there was no way I was going to stay at gone past 18.
I’ve not yanked the cord on all internet access. Largely because I have an older daughter who is a better student and requires access to the internet as well. Frankly I’m not sure I agree that others need to be punished because my son can’t or won’t live up to his obligations.
Also, I’m not really going to give up on him. Not my nature and I won’t give the little shit the satisfaction of winning this battle of wills, or however he sees this.
Lastly, it’s not the marks or the GPA that I care about. It’s the opportunities he will miss out on if he continues to perform well below average and certainly far below his potential. But even more than that, it’s the lesson he is learning that he can do the absolute bare minimum and get by because teachers will take pitty on him because he’s really a good kid otherwise. And that’s not this is what I think is happen, it’s what I know is happening through my communications with his teachers. They are giving him third and fourth chances to pass by extending long past due deadlines and allowing him to do extra credit assignments, all in an effort to drag him to a passing grade. Does he take any of that seriously though? The hell he does. :smack:
There are open enrollment colleges - lots of them. People start at community colleges all the time - and many community colleges are open enrollment. But a lot of kids - boys in particular (and I feel for you deeply, I have a fifteen year old boy) need time - and you just hope they don’t screw up too much in the meantime. AND college isn’t for everyone - for us, life got a lot better when I clarified that when we said “college” we meant “you aren’t done when you graduate from high school - but if you want to go to school to be a plumber or a mechanic, that is fine with us.” At that point he stopped feeling like he had to fail to prove he wasn’t college material - because to a 15 year old boy who doesn’t really like school, college isn’t a privilege, its a punishment - four more years and its HARDER?! Where “well, you could go to trade school and become a builder or an electrician or a appliance repairman - that way you’d make more money than if you delivered pizza” was “yeah…that makes sense to my fifteen year old brain.”
Yes, we’ve tried pulling the internet connection, and removing his phone. That results in apparently a transformation to some sort of bear like creature that sleeps and eats. At least the internet involves passively receiving some sort of information and being awake.
I’m told that the switch generally flips eventually
I keep in mind my college intern at the last job I had - he was probably five or seven years older than the other college interns - because it took him five years to figure out that no college degree sucked. But he had five years of life experience, knew why he was doing this (where a lot of the interns really didn’t), and was motivated. He won’t have the head start, but I bet he’ll be ahead of most of them at 40.
It’s a public school but in a very affluent area. I’ve no idea how many of the kids fall into the category of not having reliable internet access due to whatever factors. I don’t imagine it’s very many. But there is a computer lab available for students and there are study periods daily for students that need extra attention or access to resources. There are days when student can come in before classes start of after classes are done. There are late buses available on most days for those who need to stay behind.
All that to say, the school tries to work with kids and parents in various helpful ways. The kid in question just needs to avail him/her self of these things. It’s a horse & water thing.