I'm out of sticks and carrots.

In My Humble Opinion
1

It’s been nearly 4 years that I’ve struggled with my son’s poor performance it school.

I know I’ve complained about it from time to time on these boards for about that long.

To summarize: he has no learning disabilities, health issues, domestic problems, drug/alcohol abuse, personal issues or social issues of any kind. He is otherwise well adjusted in every sense of the word for a nearly 16 year old kid growing up in very comfortable upper middle class setting.

I’ve been to multiple school admin/advisor meetings. I’ve have a running rapport with his teachers, year to year.

At the end of the day, the boy is simply bone idle and doesn’t give a flying rats ass about his school work. On a good quarter, he’s D’s student with C and B once in while for the really no-brainer courses like Sports Marketing. Even then, it’s only when he bothers to do a minimum of required work. He does do well in History though. I’ll give him that. B’s, consistently. Which is great but won’t get him into college.

He was out sick a couple of days last week and walked into a math quiz unprepared. Got 0 for that and 0 for homework not done. Didn’t bother to get his homework from Blackboard. Didn’t crack open his math book. Didn’t even speak up to say he needs help. Not that he would, because then he’d actually have to do some work. So in response to me asking why he has an F with a mark of 0% in math at the start of this quarter, he said he was sick and thought he would be excused from both homework and quiz. :smack:

I’ve used every stick in the book from limiting texting to confiscating phone, iPod, locking down computer, no Xbox, etc… Not just for a day or week. Weeks and months. No avail.

I’ve recently dangled my last and juiciest carrot; Since he’s of the age to get his driving permit, and ultimately license, I promised him that if he brought home nothing less than C’s I would not only put him behind the wheel, but actually give him a car once he passed his driving test. A CAR. To a 16 year old kid.

If my dad ever made me that offer I’d be doing homework like a motherfucker just do get my hands on those keys and all that would mean.

My son appears to be unmoved by the offer. D’s and F’s. Zero impetus to improve.

I really don’t know what else to do with that kid.

2

What was his performance before that?

Is he really smart?

Get him a bicycle from Walmart. Tell him how fashionable that is among the homeless. :wink:

3

My son hated high school with the fury of 1000 suns. We took him to see therapists, stayed on top of his teachers, worked with the guidance department. Threatened, punished, rewarded, ignored. Nothing made a whit of difference. He’s gifted in math and he failed math, for not doing any homework. We did move right before his senior year, which seemed to shake him out of his sloth a bit and his senior year was better.

He graduated and was accepted into college. He made the freshman honor society last year, two semester’s of Dean’s list and just missed Dean’s list last semester. He is taking a technical and hard major. He loves being in charge of himself, setting his own schedule and working toward a career, not just jumping through high school hoops.

I don’t know if it’s the same for your child, but middle school and high school were just not for him. We barely survived, but now, half through his sophomore year, we’re doing great. I’m stunned.

4

His performance before that was average. Really, grade 6 was the start of below average performance. It’s been consistently below average since then.

Whatever tests the middle school and high school academic advisers and staff psychologists have put him through, all say he’s very smart with above average reading skills, etc. In short, nothing is holding him back but himself.

5

My most profound wish is for him to end up like your kid, IvoryTowerDenizen. It will all have been worth it, if that were to happen. But he seems fine with high school. I’ve never heard him say anything that would lead me to think he’s not well adjusted to that setting. And left to his own devices, he’s never shown me that he is champing to take his education into his own hands. He’d rather sit and dream and fuck around on YouTube.

6

Is he passionate about, or at least interested in, anything?

I ask, not in hope of finding another source of carrots or sticks, but in hope of finding out whether his problem of lack of motivation and unwillingness to exert himself is specific to academics, or general.

7

In general. He’s good about getting excited about getting into a new thing. Be it a new sport or the start of a new school year. But the minute he realizes it’s going to require some work and persistence on his part, all bets are off.

He likes History. It comes easy to him. But I can’t say that he’s passionate about the subject in any way.

8

I was your son.

Have you considered that he might have ADD?

9

I know the feeling, and IvoryTowerDenizen is probably right on point. High school was an interminable, awful slog. I saw no point to excelling at it since no employer cares what grades you get and actively hated every hoop they wanted me to jump through. College was a weight lifted. I could choose what to study, what I studied actually had a measurable impact on my future, the hours of class time were drastically reduced, and I was in control of my life as opposed to high school which I saw as more like shackles and guided rails. My parents also tried carrots and sticks and it only made me resentful in the end - the sticks were too harsh and the carrots not even in the ballpark of what I wanted. I’m not sure any stick or any carrot could have done the trick, though, because high school was just too much busywork for me to handle. I would sit and slog through every day at school and when I got home they wanted me to do MORE busywork? I just wanted to relax and enjoy myself after what I saw as working at a job for no pay, and instead they shoved hours of homework on me. I’d just procrastinate on the work until it was too late or almost too late so that I could get some precious relaxation time in. I tested well but overall didn’t finish my homework consistently either. To my parents I probably looked like a lazy shit who played games and dreamed and faffed about, while in my own head I was crying every day from the stress and hoped endlessly to get out of there. So he may do great in college yet, but you’ll have to take the reins and maybe do some applications yourself because if he’s like me he won’t be able to pull himself together until he’s graduated from high school.

So long as he gets good grades on the SAT, AP tests, or any other placement tests he will probably be able to make it to a local college anyway. Or maybe college isn’t for him. Technical schools and apprenticeships are out there. Find out what he actually wants out of life and help him figure out how to get himself there. So long as it isn’t harmful to him or would land him in jail - so he wants to be a florist or some other job like that, whatever, so long as he understands he won’t be making tons of money for those jobs, we need people of all types in the world.

10

Could he be bored because he is smart and not feeling challenged? Has he had to be self-reliant and hustle for things or has he been given things without having to build a solid work ethic? Just a couple of thoughts.

11

To be a dick: frankly, some people just aren’t college material, and supermarket shelves don’t stock themselves…

I know you love him and want him to be a successful, happy, college-educated adult, but it just ain’t in the cards for everyone.

Full disclosure: I was a real smart kid who didn’t give a shit about high school. When I was younger I had apparently shown enough intelligence and promise to get accepted into a magnet program, but mid-way through high school I failed to see the point of it all and did just enough work to not fail, and I had a gift for doing well on tests. Owing to that skill I did well on the SATs and was accepted into several colleges, but I didn’t last very long because I still didn’t care, and instead dropped out and went on to a 12-year stint working in various capacities for Safeway (for a long stretch stocking shelves) before moving on to other things. I actually did pretty well earning a living for myself.

I don’t regret leaving college. An argument could be made I didn’t really give it a fair shake, but I like to believe I was smart enough to recognize that it wasn’t for me.

12

No ADD. He’s been tested. :wink:

I have no problem sitting with him and filling out the apps to college when the time comes. His PSAT scores to date are pretty dismal; Around the 60 percentile. So no great hope that those will displace his poor marks and push him over the college admission line.

But we’ve been talking about college and he shows an interest in talking about college and deciding what he wants to study there. But here again, he’s good at getting excited about new things. Not so good on following through.

13

He does not rise to challenge. That’s the real issue. He doesn’t even rise to blatant bribery (i.e. car).

14

I know that this is true but I’m not ready to accept it.

15

A car isn’t much of a carrot to millennials. Is he environmentally superconscious? Are there places he wants to go besides back & forth to school? Would he have to give up any substance to drive?

We thought of our own cars as the bestest thing ever. This generation looks at them as a PITA.

16

We live in the burbs. If you expect to have a life, you need to have a car or someone willing to drive you. Substance abuse is not an issue here. And as I witnessed with my oldest, there is no worst social disgrace than to roll up to school on a school bus as a high school senior. So social pressure would dictate that he’d want to make sure he was able to drive to school come senior year.

17

Has he been tested/evaluated for any other problems? For example, depression? Drug use?

I’m not usually one to suggest psychological problems when “being a teenager” really does cover a wide range of normal, but a healthy person usually has some kind of interests that they pursue even if school isn’t one of them. To be so lacking in motivation for so long seems outside the range of normal teenage issues.

The only other bit of advice… perhaps rather than focusing on college right away, you might start looking into military service. There are some people who respond well to that sort of non-parental discipline and if he fulfills his time, he’ll presumably have some benefits to pay for college.

18

What DOES light his fire? Does he light up or enjoy anything? I would assume he has passion about something.

19

I wasn’t ever particularly unmotivated as a student, but my parents did mandate that if I wanted to go to college and not live at home, I had to get a scholarship to pay for most of it since they couldn’t afford to pay for everything.

That terrified me into busting my ass. Not because I was that put out at living with my parents, but because I felt like I’d never, ever get laid if I lived at home with my parents and commuted to the local university.

So maybe explain that he’ll have to live with you forever, and that he’s not allowed girls to his room when he lives with you?

20

Do not discount Community College. It can be a great stepping stone for kids who struggled in high school and need some extra support to get college ready.