Evidence suggests that he’s passionate about hanging out in his room amusing himself on YouTube. He’ll participate in sports because I used to insist that he needs to be involved in at least some kind of sport or physical activity. Mostly he does it for bragging rights of being able to say he’s “on a team”.
He does not ‘light up’. I’ve made it clear to him that I can tolerate some things but any kind of substance abuse is a short cut to me ending his life where he stands.
He also understands that he’s not a a free ride through college. His older sister has had to apply for student loans and grants in addition to what I’m paying for her to attend and he understands that he’ll have to do the same. But first he must get in.
I suspect that if there is a path to a post GED education, this will be it for him. Anyway, no way am I sending him away to college with the sort of attitude he’s exhibiting in high school.
Could you tell us more about the sticks? It sounds like “withholding electronic privileges” is about as far as you’ve gone. If that’s true, you’re still enabling him.
Putting myself in his position, it doesn’t seem like he has much reason to work. You’ll keep a roof over his head and food in his belly, and he sounds like he’s fairly self-sufficient at entertaining himself (and probably at getting around the privilege-withholding).
My suggestions: physical labor as punishment. Yes, you’ll have to supervise.
See if you can get a friend or relative to take him for a month and oversee the schooling. Maybe his passivity is in part a misplaced reaction to his parents.
I could have written IvoryTowerDenizen’s post, only my kid is majoring in one of the really difficult foreign languages. By his own admission, his big problem in high school was a massive case of CBA (Couldn’t Be Arsed).
Sit him down and explain to him that you want him to get higher grades. Then ask him what he wants as a price for getting those grades.
Granted, he may just say “I don’t want nothing.” Or maybe he’ll ask for something far beyond what you’re willing to offer. But at least sound him out and see. You can at least open a dialogue so he can hear how much you value his good grades.
Last year, when he became old enough, his mother and I insisted that he go and get his lifeguard certs. Not because he is passionate about saving lives but because it was something we knew he could do and would be able to get a job doing at the local rec center. He did and so he has a part time job as a lifeguard. He takes getting to work on time pretty seriously and I believe he is performing accordingly. His managers like him. All in all, it’s been good for him and I think he likes the responsibility and the pocket money.
I’m not in support of manual labor as punishment. I think it’s a stupid way to motivate a kid. If things need doing around the house or yard then things need doing and as part of being a member of the household, you should help with the chores because that’s what’s fairly expected.
As luck would have it, his mother’s husband is a cement head and enjoys nothing more than sending my son out to do some idiot work around the yard as punishment for this or that. So my son get’s plenty of that sort of motivation and accordingly thinks of his step-dad as a dick.
Try to get him a regular high school diploma if at all possible. GED is certainly a possibility, but a regular diploma opens more doors than a GED. However if that’s not possible, then a GED is certainly a good path.
I am not Mike, just another or otherwise, but I believe that by “light up” he was trying to find out what gets him going, what lights up his eyes, what fuels his interests …
We told our kids after high school it was college, job or military. They could not live at home rent-free and not do anything with their lives. Tell him he better figure out what he’s going to do because when high school is over (or he turns 18), he needs a plan or he’s on his own.
If he realizes you are serious, he’ll figure it out.
So you want to be your son’s friend? Newsflash, he has plenty of friends.
Manual labor is a punishment? Really? I believe that there are chores that have to be done and everyone who lives here needs to pitch in and help. His mother’s husband is getting their yard work done and you’re doing your own yard work. Who’s training who?
I’ve stalled making this kind of ultimatum. Hoping mostly to find a way to motivate him in a way that would sound less like a threat. But perhaps it’s time for me to seriously consider this option.
You misunderstand, friend. I clearly said that chores need doing because as part of the household it’s what’s reasonably expected of every member of the household.
On the other hand, sending a kid out to rotate the hedges as punishment because you’re piqued at him for a bad report card or some other minor transgression, well, you’re just being a dick.
Maybe just don’t worry about it? I did very well in high school and reasonably well in college. Not sure my brother ever made it through the first year of high school before dropping out to be an absentee father and a pothead. Guess which one of us bagged his first million before age 30 and remains his own man working in a field he absolutely adores, and which of us will be working his hands to the bone until his dying day? Logic tells us there is a connection between school performance and options later in life, but from what I’ve seen I’m not so sure reality actually bears that out. Seems like where you end up, and how happy you are there, has more to do with random opportunities & ideas than careful planning.
I had to answer this … I’m on my lunch hour at work so I didn’t have time to read the other replies but I’m replying anyway … This was my daughter to a “T” (or so I thought about the learning disability):
“To summarize: he has no learning disabilities, health issues, domestic problems, drug/alcohol abuse, personal issues or social issues of any kind. He is otherwise well adjusted in every sense of the word for a nearly 16 year old kid growing up in very comfortable upper middle class setting.”
Right down to being 16 years old. She just basically quit everything (except the social aspect of her life, which I think (but not 100% sure) started to include drinking/drugs) … did not care about school or really anything. I was extremely worried about her - finally, after probably a year of fretting and getting absolutely no relief from the school or medical system I sent her to a psychologist. After 8 sessions with the psychologist I was called into her office and she said to me ‘your daughter does not need me - I’m very confident she has Adult ADHD’ and we were off to yet another doctor for testing. Long story short - she was diagnosed, went on medication and is now thriving like I had no idea she could. She is totally focused on getting the best marks she can get, has 0 interest in drinking, drugs, etc. and is a refreshingly new girl. I’m so proud of her I could burst. And in the process I found out that I myself have Adult ADD which explains so much of why I have always felt so different from everybody else and why I have always felt I could do so much more with my life but was just … stuck.
I was told by a medical professional in a psychiatrict unit of a hospital that if she wasn’t diagnosed before 16 she wasn’t ADHD, and they were wrong. Adult ADD is not at all what I thought it was.
It’s not logic but actual numbers. Logic doesn’t tell us anything on its own about school performance and later success.
The correlation is there but it’s not necessarily a strict 100% correlation between school performance and success in life. Take a look at a high school class, and more of the Honor Roll kids will be doing well 20 years down the line than the dropouts, even if there are some exceptions.
In general, more education means more options in life. There are, of course, exceptions, but, by definition, not everybody, not even the majority, can be exceptions. Yes, luck plays a role in success, but it’s not something to rely on.
It may be ultimatum time. I don’t know if a kick in the pants will turn the kid around, i.e. don’t judge based solely on results, but desperate times and all. At the very least, it can’t be said that every attempt was not made.
