I'm a Child Molester

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

In fairness to the rest of my fellow dopers, I just don’t read your stuff in this forum because, well,. I don’t really know why. So to ask you to listen to my probem requires an honest caveat. And , just recently. I’ve allowed contemplation as to how my subseqent posting might just relieve me of a tremendous burden.

Yes, according to my beloved !00% genetic sister( I have a 50% genetic sister that I really really specially care about), I diddled her 3 year old neice.

Look, if you think I have some weird deceptive agenda for you guys, nothing I say will convince you.I’m only posting in the hope that I can shake an albatross off my neck.

The alleged incident happened in August 2000.

One August weekend, I arranged the acquisition of four canoes trailored behind my pickup to accomodate wife, 2 0f my kids, SIster and her two kids, and my Dutch nephew and his girlfriend. As I arrived at Sister’s, my neice upon seeing the entourage of truck and canoes jumped right up on me to give a hug.

Clue One, I don’t think she appreciated my overcoming her maternal influence in indoctrinating her kids against “intimate contact”. I was shocked when her kid jumped up on me. Heretofore, as a result of detecting discomfort of hugs by both neice and nephew, I did maintain physical space.

Well, later during the canoe treck on a the large elongated lake called the Campbell on Vancouver Island, we were all “stabalizing” at the foot of Wolf River Falls amidst upcrofts of bedrock. Unfortunately, under the gaze of my sister, while using one arm/hand to steady my craft against the rock, I used the other hand to lift my wailng for mama neice by the butt (in sitting position) into mama’s canoe.

I later learned from siblings that that was a problem for Sister.

On the way back of the canoe trip we all noticed that Dutch nephew and girlfriend were lagging way behind. I made eye contact with 6 year old nephew and Sister and blurted

" they are probably K-I-S-S-I-N-G !"

Sister immidiately expressed disapproval . I shrugged it off.

One week later, I learned that every member ogf my extended family were informed that I molested her daughter and to keep it quiet while a child agency investigated. When I got word of this, being in another city on the job, my wife and two daughters were already interviewed by the government. They must have been so convincing because I never had to meet the authorities face to face. In fact, they pretty well told me over the phone they didn’t believe her. (Yet three years later my wife and I were denied in participating in a foster care program that was desparate for what we had to offer).

Immediately upon pondering the situation I found myself in, I recalled that two weeks previous my 6 year old nephew was involved as a recipient of sexual advances by a 14 year old neighbour boy. I recalled her smug satisfaction in that everything was caught in time and the situation satsfactorily handled. Nephew must have gotten a lot of attention. Did neice take notice?

I was told by another sister that Sister noticed that her daughter was exhibiting “feelings of guilt” the evening of the canoe trip, and elicited this story.
Two weeks previous I allegedly told my 8 year old daughter to leave the room so I could make friends with neice at a rare time when I was looking after the kids. This resulted in a trip to our common family doctor and a report to civil authorities.

All of my other seven siblings and parents when alive have told me that they don’t believe it. Yet not once since then have my wife or I been entrusted with their kids. I actually avoid any hint of physical contact with my neices and nephews, which hurts, because I know that there are two kinds of uncles. Those that care and those that pretend. to care, and I didn’t really care for the latter.

It occurs that I may not be really fair to you all. I’m sorry if that is the case. I abhor child molestaton as much as anyone. But some of us fall through the cracks of our society trying to do right and some of us have to bear our own burdens silently. Thankfully to the SDMB I don’t have to be so silent.

2

I’m sorry for the pain you are going through and the pain that will be inflicted on these children by these ubber-paranoid parents. It will forever affect the children’s ability to have closeness with another person in adulthood. My SIL ins a prime example (not to the same degree your Sister is) and it has affected her son and daughter and will so even more in the future.
FWIW, I believe you.

3

Flying Dutchman that is really horrible. If I were you I’d almost be tempted to see if there was some sort of legal recourse. Couldn’t you sue for defamation or something like that?
No one should be allowed to get away with making false allegations like this.

4

I’m sorry for what you are having to go through. There’s possibly nothing worse than growing up with a parent who is paranoid about possible molestation unless you are the innocent accused of it. Sorry that I don’t have any advice for you.

5

Wow. I feel for your niece - poor kid is probably going to grow up with all kinds of complexes. I really feel for you - what a horrible thing to be accused of. Do you have any idea why your sister would accuse you of such a thing?

6

God, I’m on the other side of this issue–having been abused but not been believed. But I’m not down with the ‘‘child molester lurks in every corner’’ hysteria that your sister seems to be obsessed with. Honestly it sounds to me like she’s not right in the head, perhaps having been abused herself and in that vein cannot get over her trust issues. You must feel like absolute shit. I just want to smack your sister over and over for putting you and her children through this.

I hope you find this is a safe place to deal with your pain. I really have no idea what to say other than that.

Olives,
Christy

7

I agree with caridwen… Lawyer up… who knows what other stories Sister will come up with to further her case against you.

8

Jesus. You must be living in a real-life Kafka novel with all this shit going down on you.

I hope there is some resolution short of the point where your niece has to get grilled about all sorts of awful things just to satisfy her mother and Social Services.

OTOH, if there’s anything important you aren’t owning up to, well, shame on you. But I tend to believe you.

9

What’s to say that she won’t do it to somone else and next time she might be believed?

10

IMO, situations like this are why swear words were invented; in your situation, I would be judiciously including them in any dialogue with the accusers.

Sometimes, just sometimes, remaining calm and civil is not quite the right thing to do; outrageous accusations are sometimes best met with outrage. But as always, YMMV.

11

I would bet that the uncharacteristic hug of the niece that you first talked about was a direct result of your sister’s behavior. When you starve a child for affection from everyone, they’ll seek it out (at least in my humble opinion), in whatever tiny little ways they can find it.

And put me down for a third to, if nothing else, retaining an attorney. Then on your own, I’d document, document, document and never, ever be around any of the children in the family until you’ve gotten some sort of resolution.

I’m just so very sorry for you and the little one (how’s your nephew faring?) and the fucked-upedness this throws into all your lives. I’ll add a version of one of my prayers (because I doubt mine are ever important enough) begging for some relief. Peace to you, your wife and your children.

12

As foster parents we had to find a balance between hands on and hands off parenting - it was a fine line that required frequent readjustment depending on the children in question and what their personal circumstances were. DH was always especially careful not to be alone with the fostered females because of the possibility of accusations just as you face. (I should mention that we fostered hard to place teen gals, some pregnant, as well as sibling groups of younger children.) We heard of other foster parents who faced false allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior and their lives were seriously derailed trying to defend themselves. We consider ourselves fortunate that we escaped that particular drama.

What about volunteering to take a polygraph test to clear up any last bits of doubt your extended family has? I don’t know what the legal ramifications of that would be, but it’s worth consideration and exploration to clear your name.

To avoid any further allegations, perhaps it would be best to adhere to a policy of not being alone with ANY child that is not biologically or legally yours. Even though we’re not foster parents any longer, Mr. AdoptaMom carries that practice into our lives today. It’s sometimes difficult to juggle, but after seeing the lives of folks shattered by false allegations it’s a policy we’ve just incorporated into our lives and don’t think about much anymore. Our teenagers are at an age when traveling in packs is their chosen way, so that makes it a bit easier.

I feel for you and hope peaceful resolution can be found for you and your niece.

13

My mother was very much like your sister, Flying Dutchman, in terms of seeing possible abuse everywhere. At one point she took me to our doctor and had me subjected to an intimate examination (I must have been about 7 years old), presumably because she thought someone had been molesting me. I’m sure nobody ever did, and really I hope none of the adults who knew me at that time were given grief over a non-existent assault.

I’m really sorry you’re having to put up with this nonsense. It sounds from reading your OP as if your sister has a bee in her bonnet about sexual abuse, and this is exactly how my mother was. In mum’s case, I strongly suspect an assault in her own past.

I don’t know what advice to give you really, other than to say that you’re not alone. It must be very difficult knowing people around you are aware of the accusation made against you, and I wish you strength.

14

The supposed incident happened in 2000. I have no reason to believe that Sister is deliberately lying. I believe she, being Supermom coaxed a story out of the neice who I presume was interested in getting the attention that her older brother got.

As far as sueing is concerned, I don’t see what I would gain.

Initially, I was emotionally paralyzed. There was plenty of outrage expressed by my wife and two daughters which did give me great comfort. None of us have spoken to Sister since then and we refer to her as the bitch in our own company.
Myself, I’m mostly sad to have lost a sister and her children in my life. Every family gathering of which there have been plenty since then will either exclude Sister or me.

Its been suggested to me, but I don’t trust polygraphs 100%. If I come out truthful, would that be conclusive to everyone? If I come out deceptive then I might as well shoot myself.

It is my hope though every year that passes the hope wanes, that the neice will recant her story to Sister. She was 3 years old. Now she’s 10. Will she remember? Or will she carry a false memory?

And there’s the rub. Nothing wrong with being honest though.

15

If you’re picking up the tab and the results are bad, you don’t have to tell anyone…

16

I get the impression that anything you try to do to protest your innocence just looks like an attempt to cover guilt to those who have already accepted you as guilty. That’s why I personally wouldn’t be anything other than abrasively dismissive of any casual discussion of it - I’d slap it down quickly with “not this fucking nonsense and lies again!”.

The danger here is that at these family gatherings, your absence may be casually attributed to ‘that thing that happened’, rather than ‘that allegation that was made’ - leaving people with a false impression of the conclusion. For this reason also, (if it were me) I would be very quick to slap down any misconceptions, and would not be subtle in doing so.

17

If you are really intent on finding something wrong you can do it. Starting with the premise that molesters are everywhere and super vigilance is necessary , you begin to see problems every time. It will result in a distorted kid that actually believes she was molested. Sad truth is you can not win. If you attempt to clear your name you will only get deeper and look like you are protesting too much. My advice…stay away .

18

There’s actually been cases where paranoid Supermom types have coaxed their kids into making up stories of abuse because they were harassed enough about it. One example is the McMartin Preschool trial. Due to lots of interviews with leading questions, the kids started making up stories about ritual abuse. Kids do these things because they want to please the authority figures, and not because they want to hurt anyone. If you had any inclinations of pursuing legal action, try to seek out a lawyer who is very familiar with these cases, and one with access to an expert in child development in regard to things like questioning and interviewing children.

But yeah, the Sister has gone pretty damned far to screw things up because of her paranoia, IMO. Making accusations of molestation aren’t anything someone should take lightly.

19

There is honestly only one type of person I sincerely and without hyperbole hate more than a rapist (by which term I include child molesters, as children cannot give consent), and that’s a false accuser.

Not just because they rip the falsely accused’s life apart. And because they rip the falsely claimed victim’s life apart (How is that little girl going to feel when she gets older and realizes she falsely accused you and torn your family apart? She’s going to hate herself and think she’s a monster and a worthless human being, that’s how.). And the lives of everyone who loves them. And the lives of innocent men like Adoptamom_ll’s husband who lives in fear of giving a sad girl a hug without a roomful of witnesses. But false accusations also mean that people like olivesmarch4th and I, who did suffer honest attack, are easier to disbelieve. Your sister, and thousands of other like her, have hurt us, not just you. There is just such a torrent of evil that comes from the shit she spewed.

Really, consider a lawsuit just to prevent her from doing this again. You know, like they say we victims should do to our attackers? If she’s not made to see the consequences of her actions (the mom, I mean), then what’s to stop her from doing it again?

And, if it’s not clear, I do believe you. Not that it’s worth a whole lot.

20

Doesn’t the Bible say something about not bearing false witness?

I agree with WhyNot: false accusation, and especiially this kind of false accusation in this witch-hunt kind of climate, is profoundly evil. It tears apart the web of relationships that makes a healthy community. It sows mistrust and hatred. If I were an evil being trying to destroy a community, I could think of few better ways to do it. The witch-hunt mentality around certain accusations is itself evil.

I cannot think of any way to extricate oneself from such accusations save not getting involved in the first place, and that too sows fear and mistrust, denies people healthy contact, and damages the community. I wish I could suggest something. I really do.