Okay question on what YOU think can be done. A child is molested by her uncle from age 8 to age 12. She keeps this secret to herself out of fear, embarrassment and lack of memories until the age of 16 when her memories begin to return and she fully realizes what has happened to her. Still afraid… she eventually tells her mom the few small things she has remembered…and nothing is done. The girl is now 18 years old and wants justice, her uncle is just getting out of a 2 year sentence to jail being charged with stealing drugs from a hospital…and she wants not only justice but to be sure he can’t hurt anyone else. ASLO just finding out he is a repeat sex offender she knows he’s likely to find some other little girl to act out his fantasies with…but how would she go about having any legal action taken against him with the length of time that has passed? And then again should she even try knowing that there is a possibility of the entire family turning away from her for bringing to spotlight onto something that low in her family?
She should look into the statute of limitations for pursuing any kind of action against said uncle. She should probably go to some sort of law enforcement organization with what she knows and ask them for help.
It’s too bad that the justice for rapists as described in “A Handmaid’s Tale” can’t be brought into play in these cases.
For those that haven’t read it, basically the rapist gets turned loose in a courtyard full of rape victims and dies by being clawed, stomped, hit and kicked to death by them.
I still say that’s too good for 'em.
Being locked up for life in maximum security and telling the entire prison population what he did, with occasional visits to rape victims sans protection, but not enough to kill him.
I can’t think of anything bad enough to do to them. But they deserve any evil punishment someone can dream up.
CanvasShoes—Impaling would be pretty good, I’d think. Along with (Russian-style) Drawing and Quartering, and/or Breaking to the Wheel.
All good ways to sensitively address the fact that what the man is part of her family and that other family members may object to the impaling. :rolleyes: It may take time for them to come to terms with the fact that their brother (etc.) is a pedophile.
Many victims of abuse don’t want to come forward because they are afraid of the effect it will have on their family dynamics.
I’m afraid I don’t know the answer, Mustang. The woman must be brave and strong. I believe the goal should not be punishment and revenge but healing, for the woman and for her family.
I was molested by my father… the statute of limitations had passed for me and for the most part the family that knows took his side. So they are not my family anymore.
I worked in a mental health clinic and the therapists there were willing to assist me in bringing a civil suit but I didn’t really want to give the narcissistic bugger another opportunity to martyr himself because of his ingrateful daughter. Seemed like a lot of pain and stress for me that was simply not worth it. However she may want to find a counselor who specializes in these cases and can provide her with guidance.
I also second speaking to someone in law enforcement to discover what the statute of limitations is for her case.
She really should be prepared for the worst in reaction from family though. My mother found my father naked on top of me one night and did NOTHING. If mothers can be in that much denial imagine how aunts, uncles and grandparents react. Aaah the stories I could tell 
Hmm. Sounds like someone I know. Anyway, what she did was get a lawyer & filed suit & won. The guy (a relative) claimed that he was teaching her how to have sex. He got probation in a deal. It seems to have made her a better person. I heard the guy also did the same thing to his daugher & her sisters before too, but she was the only one to do something about it.
So the genetic connection between this woman and her molestor should free him from pain? I would hope that the other family members would side with the victim, not the horrid uncle. Unfortunately this is the opposite of what happens in far too many situations:(
Our hypothetical girl needs to really think about the reality of her uncle committing sex acts on another young girl. Does she really want someone else to have to go through that? If her family would actually turn their backs on her for telling the truth, then they aren’t worth keeping silent for.
Personally, I say go to law enforcement, don’t keep it in the dark, and prosecute if possible. One of the big reasons pedophiles get away with things is because their victims keep silent out of an unwillingness to cause problems. But y’know, problems already exist if an adult is molesting children.
How does Russian-style drawing and quartering differ from Good Old English drawing and quartering?
Re: the legal aspect- I third (or fourth or whatever) the suggestion that she get in contact with law enforcement.
Re: the familial aspect-
tough choices. Many victims of sexual abuse have difficulty in relationships, is this the case with our friend and her family? I’m guessing trust is a big issue for her, maybe thinks the family won’t support her.
Maybe start with a family member she trusts, one that can act as a sounding board, maybe ask that cousin or whatever what he/she thinks the family would react like.
If the guy’s already in prison, then I’m guessing the family won’t be too shocked by his being a criminal.
Lemmie guess though, he’s really charming and well liked? People don’t believe he stole stuff?
How does she know he’s a repeat sex offender?
This is really all stuff a therapist could help her with.
Okay okay let’s stop the she It’s me (bet ya already figured that) yea actually he did use the excuse “I’m preparing you for marriage” I remember that quite clearly. Anyway…he’s getting out of jail in the next few months for that little theft and I found out that he’s a repeat offender when he was arrested for that and it came out that he was a sex offender that had failed to register in the county…which is now a must.
Anyway as far as family goes…he’s the fav. child of them all as far as anyone’s concerned. They of course all know his history yet I was still sent over every day after school to stay with him. And as I said, I went to my mother when I started to remember things…she asked me very quickly “just don’t tell your father”
she got mad at me…I tried going to councelling but she found out and pitched a fit about it… it’s just a very strange situation.
well sadly I know a lot about how it feels to not have familial support. My email works if you want a sympathetic ear. I never got to prosecute but I wish I could have.
What is your relationship with your father? Why can’t he be told? I’d get councelling and tell mom to deal. She isn’t looking out for your best interests (yah I got one of those too)
Good luck… you’ll need it!
at 18, go to counseling on your own. They can help you decide how to proceed, too.
at 18, talk to law enforcement on your own. At the very least, THEY need to be aware of his history, and the risks to the community. Even if you cannot prosecute, for some reason.
Keeping other kids safe if you can is at least one thing you can do out of this that is a godsend.
I didn’t prosecute. One guy was dead before I put my memories together, the other was unable to cause more pain, (other than by still being alive). I still healed well. Therapy helps.
So, he’s registered now?
that should help keep his access to children limited.
What’s mom’s motivation for sweeping this under the rug? What’s going to happen to her? Is it her brother or your dad’s?
Was she mad at you or just mad? Scared is probably more like it.
go back and see the therapist, no matter what your mom says.
It’s her brother…and I think she was more embarrassed than anything. I’m not only worried about the family turning against me… or turning their backs on me. It’s weird…all of his history out in the open and the whole town still seems to worship the ground he walks on.
As far as mom goes…it will also end up being known that the family knew about his previous acts and still she had him pick me up from school and watch me while she was out doing whatever and dad worked… She had me stay over when I begged her not to. She doesn’t want people knowing that
My father and I have always been very close…the two things I do worry about with him…I hate seeing that look in his eye as if someone has just ripped out his heart, whether I caused it or not…I cry everytime I see it. And 2 I’m kinda scared he will react in a bad way without thinking and get himself into legal trouble which would be so much worse
Well you should tell your father before you make this public knowledge by pressing criminal charges. I think that reading it in the police blotter or something like that would be a really bad way for him to find out.
There is also no good way to tell people this stuff. There are people in my life who still don’t know for various reasons (or who don’t know the whole story … 20 years is a lot of abuse to cover)
Get back into counseling and maybe eventually have dad come with you and tell him at the counseling session?
If mom is only trying to protect herself then you need to look out for yourself first and foremost too. This is not her story to tell. This is your life.
For what its worth I’m 30 and my mother still can’t deal with failing to protect me. She gets all spacy when I even try and discuss things with her. Or she goes into poor me mode. Then she wonders why she is not an important part of my life (and I wonder why I have anything to do with her at all!)
The suggestion about telling your father at a therapy session was fabulous. My dad went completely mental when told what our grandfather did to one of us, got drunk, went to go kill the man, beat on Mom for getting in the way to stop him, a whole carload of crazy shit. Having him told in a controlled atmosphere will hopefully give him time to process it without losing it emotionally. Remember to stress to Dad that it’s over, you’re sitting right there and safe, and that you don’t need him to be some retroactive asskicker on your behalf, but a strong man who’s there for you right now.
I completely get not wanting to hurt your dad either, as of course finding this out is bound to do, but for the record, my own dad was more hurt by finding out what happened from my mother than anything else. The daughter in question had waited until Mom was home from a weekend away to tell anyone what happened, simply because it seemed like girly Mom stuff, not Dad stuff. Dad was absolutely floored by the idea that one of ‘his girls’ would feel they couldn’t tell him anything. Even though that wasn’t quite the case, it just didn’t occur to her to tell Dad at the time, that’s how he felt. Talking to him yourself is bound to be painful and embarassing for both parties, but at least it minimizes that one issue.
I am not a lawyer, but I have studied this issue fairly extensively.
For one thing, check out the Resources link at http://www.vachss.com/ Lots of good stuff there.
In many jurisdictions, the clock for the statute of limitations doesn’t start running until the incident is recalled, and then it runs for (usually) five years. A popular analogy is if a guy gets hit in the head with a tire iron and is unconscious for five years and then wakes up, the clock starts running THEN, not at the time of the incident. That’s because the victim couldn’t assist in apprehending the assailant until he was awake.
It could be the same in your case. I would check out the vachss link, and then call your district attorney’s office and ask to speak with someone who specializes in sex crimes. Depending on the jurisdiction, this could be called Special Victims, Personal Assault or a lot of different names, but many DA’s offices, even if they don’t have a dedicated division for sexual offenses, have particular assistant district attorneys with more experience than others. They should be able to help you out and give you straight facts.
This is just my personal opinion from having been a reporter who specialized in cops and courts for most of my journalism career, but I talk to the DA BEFORE going to the cops. This case will be a bear, I’m not going to lie to you, and the cops might be reluctant to assign resources. If you go to the DA and THEY have you go to the cops, it puts more pressure on them to cooperate, since they know the DA’s office already has an interest in the case. That way they don’t feel that they have to build something to catch the DA’s eye; it’s already focused on them.
And by all means, stay in counselling. This is way too big to sweep under the rug and try to deal with without help. I would particularly recommend getting help through a rapid emotive behavior therapy / cognitive behavior therapy practitioner. That method looks to repair, heal and move on, rather than having you spend years rehashing the event without necessarily making any real progress.
Good luck, 'stang, and if there is anything I can do to help, please don’t hesitate to let me know. I don’t check the email addy attached to this profile all that often, but if I get something from you, I’ll get back as soon as possible.