I want to thank you all for the support and the advice. It’s kinda funny how you find support from people you don’t even know more easily than the people that have been in your life since you can remember. Anyway thank you very very much. It does mean alot.
OH and I do have one more question for anyone who would like to take a crack at it. See I still have HUGE blocks of that part of my life missing, not only the bad stuff…but the good stuff during that time as well…like getting to know my grandfather before he died. Anyway as well as not really knowing everything that he did to me and in a way it drives me nuts to not know but then again I think maybe I don’t know cause I don’t need to know right now. I thought about hypnosis so I can just get it all out and deal with it at one time…any ideas on the good or bad of that?
First I just have to say, I really admire your strength; it takes a lot of courage to confront something like this & it sounds like you’re on the right path to healing.
About hypnosis, it can bring out some weird stuff, sometimes even false memories. Honestly, I think you will remember the past when you are ready to remember - those old memories are blocked for a reason. Don’t force yourself . . . just stick with counseling and your memories will come back when you are in the right place to cope with them.
Thank you sionach.
I’ve also thought of just confronting him with what he did and hopefully getting closure or something but this proved a bit too dangerous in one of my wonderful dreams and I’ve decided not to take that route.
I will say that one friend of mine I grew up with…since I’ve told her she has been great always there to talk to but I almost wonder if she’s the only person who’s believed a word I said.
And someone mentioned it causing problems in relationships and trust. Actually I think the only problem it’s caused is me beating the crap out of my bf when I have a bad dream or I do have to explain my situation from the begining to be sure they don’t flip out if I have a flashback in the middle of everything…it gets a little tireing playing damsel in distress when I’m the one that “never needed any help”
Mustang, I can sympathize. I was molested by my grandmother’s (now) ex-husband from ages 4 to 12, and I didn’t tell my family until I was 18. I agree that with others here, that you should prepare for the worst from your family, but that shouldn’t make your choices. Try telling your family what happened before you tell them about any intentions to prosecute, and see what happens. If your mother still doesn’t want to deal with it, then you don’t have to talk to her about it. Brother or not, she’s not looking out for you. As for your dad, remember that what happened to you is not your fault. It might hurt him to hear about it, but he needs to know. You mention that you have a friend that you can talk to. Lean on her, if you need to. Seek some counselling, while you’re at it. It helps with a lot of issues your abuse may have caused for you.
As for the legal angle, FallenAngel’s advice on consulting your area DA is excellent. If you can and do decide to go to trial, I suggest you know as many facts as you can about times, dates, (in Virginia, where my case was handled, I was able to tell only approximate dates, and only had to recount a few episodes of abuse, so its worth asking a DA if you can do that instead of trying to remember everything specifically) and circumstances (where he touched you, what did he make you do, etc.) as you can. It may help to start writing a journal of these things down now, working the information out as best you can before you have to give a statement. Also, be prepared to have the defense lawyer try to make you seem like you were an 8-year-old slut. It sucks, and it’s infuriating and painful, but if you go to trial, you might have to face this kind of nonsense.
Going to court will be painful and scary, but it can be the beginning of some closure for you. Although my case was plea bargained a week before the trial (the moron basically admitted to several family members, his lawyer, and police what he’d done, and he was terrified of going to jail), going through the process healed some of the wounds that I had never dealt with, and I’m healthier and much, much happier for it today. And although I don’t know about hypnosis, I know that remembering the bad stuff and dealing with it also helps me to remember the good things about my childhood now. Plenty of times since then, I’ve just kinda…stumbled over an old childhood memory that made me smile. Perhaps someone else here knows more about hypnosis than I do.
Basically, I feel for you. My molester was also someone who made himself out to be a hometown hero, and a lot of people bought it. An entire church turned against me for exposing him, and my grandmother for divorcing him. People can be ugly when you tell them that what they believe about someone is a lie. But it’s still not your fault. Keep repeating that to yourself. It’s only been a couple of years since I started getting past the hurt and guilt myself, and I remember what it’s like to agonize over what this will do to your family, to you, to your whole way of life. If you ever need to talk, my AIM’s in the profile.
Mustang, you’re only 18 … no need to rush relationships! (yeah that sounds mommyish of me but it isn’t just keep reading) I don’t know your relationships personally so this is just what happened to me and if it doesn’t apply to you … maybe it can help someone else.
I had (have) huge trust issues. I mean really … my parents were the biggest betrayers in my life… how trusting can you expect me to be? I also learned a lot about people. I had boyfriends who put so much emphasis on sex and so little on anything else. Then one day after a large fight with one bf about my weight (he told me if I didn’t slim down he was going to make me - I showed him the door before he could even attempt that!) I sat down and examined carefully the guys I had been dating. They were all far too much like my father (my abuser) and I decided I did not want to live the rest of my life in that hell.
Once I saw the pattern I was slipping into I worked to correct it. I met a great guy who really liked me and was willing to be patient with me. He listens when I need him to and doesn’t take it personally when I flip out sometimes when memories overcrowd the present. It took us a number of years to really grow our relationship where I discovered that I can trust him to unconditionally love and support me in anything. I even learned how to really enjoy sex and not just do it to make him happy.
We met 12 years ago and have been married 7 so it is possible to find a decent guy. Please make sure you don’t sell yourself short because of what happened …
I would suggest that you first find a rape crisis center in your area. They should have people working there who have knowledge of the legal system and would work as advocates/support professionals to help navigate the legal system.
It can turn ugly to testify/press charges against someone for this type of crime, and support is essential, both legal advocacy and crisis support. These folks will know all about that.
Do you have any younger cousins that might fall victim to this guy?
If you do, then you must bring out your history with the Uncle Perv soon. If you don’t then some counseling is thourghly recommended. You may want your parents to come in as well, becasue it sounds to me like your mom isn’t dealing with this very well.
Pressing charges and a big punishment is not the only way to resolve this. That may be what you want. IF it is, fine. However you may feel justice if after counseling, Uncle Perv admits that what he did was wrong and apologizes to you for stealing your childhood. (I know I must sound wimpy compared to the impale/draw and quarter folks but I feel an alternative viewpoint should be expressed) You say you want justice, so tell us what justice would be to you.
Oh and the “I’m teaching you how to have sex/I preparing you for marriage” has got to be the lamest excuse I have ever heard.
WildnFree, hopefully you can find someone to be with during this time who knows what you are going through. I know some women who went through it already.
One thing I noticed about them is they all have some sort of defense system as adults. One lady gained a lot of weight-- she said that she did that so guys wouldn’t be attracted to her. Another learned to talk like a guy, I guess that way she thought guys wouldn’t be attracted. Some seal themselves off emotionally. etc. I only look at them as human beings so those things don’t get to me too much.
WildnFree, my heart goes out to you. I was molested by a man who was renting a room from my parents, from the time I was 8 til I was 15. He did the same thing to two of my older sisters. My Mom knew about it, and failed to do anything to protect me (and really, that’s been harder to deal with than the physical stuff has). I don’t worry about prosecuting this scum bucket, because he’s been dead for many years now (not by my own hands, unfortunately).
Like you, there are huge chunks of my childhood that are completely unremembered. I’ve been in counseling at a crisis center for over a year now, and have found it extremely helpful.
Please seek counseling. Also, if you are 18 or over, your mother can no longer force you to be exposed to this man. I know it’s hard to stand up for yourself, but that’s what you must do now.
Please know that you are not alone, and many of us will be here for you if you need us. Feel free to email me if you’d like. My address is in my profile.
Justice in my opinion I guess would be him losing his pedestal everyone places him on. People knowing who he realy is and him feeling just as blocked off from the world as I did. I may have acted as though nothing was wrong. In fact the outside world saw my life as sooo perfect. Everyone came to me with their problems, no one ever heard one problem from me. No one ever saw me not smiling…and even after that was over no one ever saw me cry…I made sure of that and for the longest time I wouldn’t let myself cry even alone. Until about a year ago…since I was 9 I had not cried because I felt it made me weak and vunerable…but I’d encourage other people to cry if they wanted cause it made them strong… I blocked myself off from everyone emotionally not socially but I want him to know the feeling of being blocked off from people. As far as jail…that’s not justice to me but I don’t want him hurting anyone else…obviously he didn’t learn his lesson his first stay behind bars…
boyfriends…yea funny I went through the stage of thinking I was nothing but a slut because my bfs all wanted sex and I was convinced that to keep them that’s what I had to do …make them happy. Now looking back they weren’t worth keeping anyway. The thing that convinced me were the bfs I had that either got abusive if they didn’t get what they wanted or walked out or possibly from the two that ended up raping me. What’s driving me nuts is it seems I can’t get away from sexual abuse…even if I’m not dating the guy…I had a dinner with someone just trying to be nice he was in town on business and working at my office…he drugged my drink and low and behold comes young mckayla murphy who is now in God’s arms. It’s like it follows me…I’m scared to walk through parking lots at night cause it seems I’m an easy target I’ve been attacked so many times…
I’m rambling I’m sorry…it is nice to get things out though lol
and I have had understanding boyfriends. They try to help me through my flashbacks when they hit rather than walk away and leave me alone thinking I’m just crazy…(they also learned to keep a safe distance if they notice me having a bad dream)
Just curious did any of you ever wonder…when you first started getting memories back…just wonder if it was real or if you were just losing your mind?
And again thank you all You’re wonderful for being so supportive I am trying to find counceling in my area…but I live in a VERY small town so there isn’t much here. I have to find something that is either free or goes off income though cause I can’t afford much and right now I’m out of work for a couple of months for foot surgery so money’s not comin in. But I am trying!
Oooh, that’d be great, but it wouldn’t last long enough. Tied naked over a red ant hill and covered with honey?
I’m sorry Mustang, cowgirl is right. Maybe some of us are coming up with tortures for the perp because we can’t think of the answer ourselves.
I’m sorry that the family of the pervert (and YES they are, I don’t care WHOSE brother, husband, son they are, they are morally corrupt barely human beasts), has to deal with this, especially if it were to come out of the blue after many years.
And especially if the pervert were someone who is close to someone you love dearly and wouldn’t want to hurt. It’s an agonizing decision.
Do you destroy the lives of people you love? Or try to save other little girls?
That’s ok CanvasShoes don’t think it hasn’t crossed my mind quite a few times. And even so, trying to cause as little pain for my family as possible…we can all dream can’t we? Aren’t daydreams just little fantasies to make us feel better?
Hm… well, everyone has pretty much covered what I could say. Though I think I could easily insure the safety of the young female population in that town if I had his address…
::::::BIG HUG:::::: caleb sneaky aren’t we… thanks
hugs back you’re welcome 
I honestly think I might be capable of violence in this instance. All I know is that I haven’t seen “mine” in more than 20 years, he’d better never come near me, I think I could do him in with my bare hands.
I dream of sweet revenge everynight and knives and all come into the dream along with it but I would rather he didn’t die…I want him to live a long life alone…I say again ALONE with his guilt which if I had enough time to run my mouth (without freezing everytime I see his face) I’m sure I could instill enough guilt in him not just for what he did to me but to his mother cause she’ll be just broken when she finds out what her precious son did to the only grandchild that visits her…that he’ll despise living with a piece of scum like himself.