I'm worried about my sister (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

My sister’s a fundie, and her son isn’t allowed to go Trick or Treating, but that’s not what I’m worried about.

About three years ago she was told by the Holy Spirit (her words) to check her husband’s e-mail. She found he’d been corresponding with an old friend, talking about what they’d like to do to each other with various props and toys.

The friend has a wife and child.

So my sister got divorced.

She got new clothes, new hair do, really looked like the dashing young divorcee.

She lived about two hours away, and although we urged her to move closer to either me or my dad, she wanted to stay where she was because of her job and church.

Then she had herself an ego-fuck. (Girls, you know what that is, you sleep with a guy because you want to feel desirable and wantd. No big deal, we’ve all done it.)

Except she had sinned against God, and as she told me, she had to seek God’s forgiveness, just like we seek our dad’s forgiveness when we screw up. (Funny, I know my dad loves me know matter what and I don’t have to seek his forgiveness. But anyway…)

Then she meets this guy at her church. He’s 18 years older than she is.

Oh, he thought he was divorced two years ago but turns out his wife didn’t sign all the paperwork. :rolleyes: I refuse to meet him until his divorce is final (so much for the adultery commandment, I guess.)

They know each other less than a year, and get married.

Something about the guy got my back up right from the start. Since then, my opinion has not changed. Little things have been coming out in bits and pieces, and my sister does not question any of it. For instance:

He owes back child support to Virginia, but he paid it all and the state lost the paperwork. So he can’t work because the state will take all of his paycheck except for $1.19 for back child support. Which he’s already paid. But the state lost the paperwork. And they can’t afford an attorney to straighten it out.

There are two other children, from another marriage, but they’re not his because he never had sex with his wife.

Oh, the child support for the Virginia kid…turns out he was never married to that one. (It just hit me…who was he getting divorced from then? It was always implied it was this one.)

His ex messed up his tax returns, which is why he owes thousands in back taxes. But he and my sister will declare bankruptcy and make that pesky little mess go away.

He’s taking anger management classes, and my sister did admit to my dad’s SO that “sometimes” he takes it out on her and her son. She wouldn’t be more specific.

Now, from what I’ve witnessed and my husband’s witnessed, there is something seriously not right with this guy.

He will talk to my sister in a very curt, abrupt tone of voice. We were out shopping and I pointed out to my sister some sneakers, since she said she was looking for a new pair. Her husband snaps at her, “Excuse me, I was speaking to you.” I just looked at him.

At the wedding, her then three year old son is sitting between them at the reception. Her husband is alternately tickling him and yelling at him to sit still. This is a three year old boy who’s had a very long day with no nap and is doing remarkably well. I finally get my nephew to sit over by me to get him away from his new step-father.

Remember the old maxim, you can always tell the character of a man by how he treats a waitress? Well, he treats them very rudely.

We took them out to dinner. Right before the check was due to arrive, Creepy Husband gets up and wanders off. Ivylad had already said he was going to pay, but CH didn’t even say thanks or offer to help with the tip. (BTW, I did e-mail my sister on this one, and they both called up to apologize and thank Ivylad for dinner.)

At my nephew’s birthday party, while they were hanging the pinata, Creepy Husband accidentally smacks one of the kids in the face with the broom handle. His first words?

Not, “Are you okay?”

Not, “I’m so sorry, let me see.”

Not, “Let me get some ice on that.”

No, his first words were, “Don’t tell your mother.”

The problem is, my sister is very reticent to talk about this. Everything is hunky dory, she couldn’t be happier, blah blah blah.

It’s gotten to the point where my Dad’s SO and I are talking about hiring a private investigator.

What do you do when your sister is so blind she refuses to see? That she swallows everything he tells her, no matter how unbelievable it is? How do I help her when she can’t see that there’s a problem? Is she truly blind, or is she afraid to say anything?

2

Well first off let me say I feel for you and the stress this must put you through.
Second, a bankruptcy will not make back taxes go away. Taxes are a non-dischargable debt.

Third there is probably not much you can do but to make sure your sister knows that she can come to you to escape this madman when she comes to her senses. I’d be ready to take her in and protect her from him at a moments notice.

Plus keep a sharp eye on the kid for signs of abuse.

3

Just a question, but where is the ex-husband? Are you still in touch with him? Was the email incident a one time thing, or indicative of other problems? He should have a right to how his son is treated.

If the sister won’t listen to you, there isn’t much you can do. Maybe try to get the nephew over to your house once in awhile to show him that the world does not have to be so unpleasent all the time? I am sorry I don’t really have any advice to offer, best of luck with this difficult situation.

4

If her son IS being abused, it might be worthwhile to notify the school, and child protection services, etc. Let people know that you suspect something is going on, and get some sort of investigation going. Your sister is an adult - theoretically, she makes her own choices. This is not the case for your nephew. Get something going NOW so that you may be able to save him later. I know someone who is the son of two alcoholics, we suspect he might be an FAS kid, and is very violent, socially incapable, and is at least 3 years behind in his education. He was being abused, but it took so long to get a proper investigation going (ïf he has food and clothes hes alright"stupid mentallity prevailed) that we seriously think that this poor kid will never be able to function at 100% of what his potential was even just a few years ago. My mother (a teacher) believes he might be able to learn a skill, or do something like drive a bus full-time, but that;s about it. It’s sad, really.

So, yeah, keep an eye out on your nephew. Let his teacher(s) know every year what you suspect - its amazing what teachers might notice that no one else does. I mean, they do see that kid 6+ hours a day, 5 days a week for 10 months out of the year!

Take care of yourself, too. I know this is stressful for you, but don’t let this damage you too much.

5

One way to look at it is that, based on her first marriage, once your sister DOES have actual evidence of her husband doing-bad-things, she seems more likely to leave him. He mistreating her might be too subjective for her, but if you DID hire a PI and found that the guy was still married, that would do him in for good. He sounds like the type that has a criminal background.

And the advice already given about your nephew is very to the point. If it seems that something is going on, report it.

Good luck, the guy sounds like a real creep. I suppose you could find out how to contact a women’s crisis center, just in case.

6

I agree with Zebra; there is not much you can do to convince your sister. I assume that she knows how you feel about CH. Looking for something else via a PI might make her even more defensive. Just make sure that she knows that she can count on you and that her first responsibility is to make sure her son is safe and sound.

7

Her ex is out of the picture. He has moved to Canada, she had to chase him for back child support, and he has tried to contact his son only once. I don’t even know how to get in contact with him. I’m not sure my sister knows.

My nephew is being home-schooled, so there’s no teachers involved.

I haven’t really told her how I feel about Creepy Husband. I’m very civil, but I try to avoid him when we visit. I think I’m going to have to tell her how I feel about him, not that she’d listen. She’s very stubborn.

8

Perhaps she will listen, or at least keep it in the back of her mind, and gradually start seeing what he is doing to her and her son. Even if she explodes at you when you talk to her, that doesn’t mean she didn’t take in what you said.

Its a shae the kid is being home-schooled in an environment like that. I don’t want to cause more problems by asking this, but is he getting the level of education he needs? If he’s behind, relative to other kids his age in public schools, then maybe you could protect him by "forcing"him into a public school system, where there are more adults to supervise him…I don’t know. Just a random thought.

9

I agree with what zebra said. Let your sister come back to yo and help her as much as you can. Good luck to you both.

10

Thanks guys. You confirmed what I already thought…short of letting her know she’s got a couple of havens if she needs them, there’s not a lot I can do.

Big sigh.

11

I’d have to agree that until Sis is receptive to other viewpoints, it’s unlikely much can be done.

I will suggest that if and when she is receptive, she may benefit from counseling. To see trick-or-treating as unacceptable (I assume she views it as anti-Godly, whereas 99.9% of the world sees it as a fun and innocent play-acting time, devoid of any theological significance) while being oblivious to what sounds like the very wrong, if not evil, behavior of this fellow, implies to me a very distorted perception of life. I suspect she has some deep, significant issues to resolve.

I wish her and you well, and hope things work out all right. I cringed when reading the OP.

12

I just signed up but wondering how things wrked out. I have a nephew who truly is making me lose sleep. His mother (my sister) has been living with his stepfather for 4-5 years and there are things that are totally off. For example my nephew’s biological dad had always been involved but my sister has given the step dad all the authority to be basically the sole disciplinarian. The dude does not work but my sister has to get out of wrk and come home to cook and it is obvious he also controls her. Although it seems reciprocal, he also can not leave her sight. I have not seen a movie, gone to dinner alone with her for years. she moved far enough where the family cant really stop by either. The thing that worries me is my nephew’s behavior he is 9 years old and poops his pants all the time. She says the doctor said he’s fine but my nephew says he’s never seen anyone about it. I dont know what to do.

13

ETA: dang, zombie thread.

14

I know this thread is going to be closed soon, but I wanted to add another request for an update, if you don’t mind, ivylass.

15

We’ve relaxed our position on zombies somewhat. Generally speaking, if there was nothing particularly unpleasant or divisive about the thread, it’s OK. However, you should keep in mind that the underlying reasons why some zombies are better off dead are still valid:

Accordingly, please read an old thread, and keep these thoughts in mind, before deciding to reply to it. For example, if a multipage bonebreaking rumble occurred years ago between two or more members, we’d rather not see it again now.

We’ll leave this thread open for now since there don’t seem to be any of these difficulties involved.

16

Major alert. Sexual abuse can cause a rupture in the sphincter which makes fecal control impossible. You need to call CPS immediately.

17

A quick search reveal’s ivylass’s last post was last year, and she didn’t sound too happy. You could try PMing her, but I suspect she’s left the Dope.

18

She hasn’t been at Giraffe’s board for several months either, at least not under that name.

19

Ivylass has left the Dope, probably for good. You can still find her on SparkPeople.com and the SDMB community there.

Last I heard she was doing great and returning to school for a Master’s degree, though I think she’s stuck with the crappy in-law.