Meet the Un-Touchable, Un-Killable, Ms. Una Persson!

Well, folks. I am travelling on business again. Which means I had to drive through the Utah desert at a high rate of speed again to make it to bed by a decent hour. And in doing so, Man, Nature, and God tried to kill me. And the cops tried to jail me. But to no avail. Truly a magical night!

First, I was lost in Salt Lake City. After years and years of futile construction, they still haven’t got the roads worked out. Or I’m too stupid to understand. Whatever the case, OK, now I’m 30 minutes late.

So I take the Olds out on the highway. Hmmm…there are no white or yellow lines on the highway. Because the road is covered with a layer of road salt, dirt, and sand. In fact, I can’t tell which lane I’m in, or if it is two lanes one way and one the other, or just very wide lanes, or what. Hmmmm…

So I’m listening to The Wings play “Mull of Kintyre”, when God decides to kill me. Well, she must have been having a bad night, because she failed. On a sweeping turn which would normally be fine at 80 on dry pavement, well, snow has blown across the road. The car goes sideways at 80 mph, as I’m singing with Paul and Linda. The car drifts sideways about 45 degrees - so I’m canted 45 degrees to my direction of very fast travel. Somehow, I don’t panic, and I try to regain control. The car then hits dry pavement, and the tires hit with a horrifying screech, as the car whips back and forth fishtailing. Somehow…I dampened the oscillations, and straightened it out. Somehow. So now I’m sweating. And going 70, instead of 80.

Second - it’s Man’s turn to try and kill me. The road has cleared up a bit, and I can tell it is in fact a 2-lane road. Hmm…OK, I’m listenting to Rush play “Red Sector A”, when I notice that a hill is approaching, and there are headlights coming over it on both sides of the road. For a nearly-tragic duration, my brain grapples with this. “That’s odd”, says my brain, “if there are cars in both lanes coming towards us, just seconds over this hill, at a closing speed of 140+ mph, wherever are we to go?” Well, a semi and a car trying to pass it on a hill come over the crest. The driver of the car is not going to yield. The semi driver would sooner throw his Judds tape out the window than yield. So I must yield - but how? I slam the car over into the shoulder and the snowbank at about 60, snow plowing and flying, completely blinding me. I set my teeth and scream, waiting for the sick crunch of metal and impact I remember so well.

And there is silence. I open my eyes, and see only white. The windshield is buried in snow. Stupidly, I try the wipers, and they work - I am not, in fact, entombed in a snowbank, but on the shoulder, kinda high-centered on the snow plowed off the road. It is pitch dark, and I am alone. I try backing off of it, and the wheels spin. I get out and look - one wheel has grip, the other not. Stupid damn open differential. So I start digging with the Avis ice scraper, realize how damn stupid that is, get back in, and by pressing the brakes as hard as possible and gunning the engine, I get the wheel on the firm surface to spin, and drag the car off the snow. Two minutes later, I’m cruising again.

Then…this last one is freaky, and I don’t expect anyone to believe it. I am up to 75-80 again, singing to Madonna. Yes, I brought some odd CD’s, so what. Anyhow, as “Sky Fits Heaven” was on, for some reason I started daydreaming of my “secret Doper” who loves me. And I for some reason, I know not why, slowed down to about 60 (the speed limit), just because I thought - “This is too risky - I’ve had two close calls tonight, and I really want to see her soon, and hug her and hold her.” Sure enough, just 3 minutes later in “Shanti/Ashanti”, I crest a small hill and see antelope. Antelope clustered in the road, doing Goddess-knows-what. I slam the brakes on, holding the wheel straight, and stop just 20 feet or so from where the first one was previously standing. As I watched them scamper off in blind animal terror, I thought - had I been going 75-80…who knows? Antelope coming through the windshield, the crunch of bone as his horns pierce my breast and nail me to the seats? Jeeze.

The rest of the trip was uneventful, except I found out not only was I un-killable, I was un-touchable too. I blasted past 2 State Troopers, both times going almost 20 over the limit, and they never even flashed their lights at me. And then, near the end of my trip, a Highway Patrol passed me when I was going 70 in a 55, without doing a thing to me. Things went in three’s tonight - 3 attempts at death, 3 attempts at a ticket.

So then I come back online, and see a surrealistic Pit thread devoted to me. And laugh my freaking ass off! You know? Sometimes, you need a few reminders to help to keep things in perspective I guess.

And no, I wasn’t trying to be reckless. I was reckless, true, but I did not set out with that in mind. In fact, I was mainly hurrying to try and call my special Doper before she hit the bed, but as it turned out, I missed her anyhow. But at least I’m still here, to call tomorrow.

Wow. You can’t be killed? Gotta test that one out. If it’s true? By god I’m voting Republican next time.

At least you weren’t stopped by Red.
Good to know you’re alive and well Una.

Oh, BTW. Oldie? Rasa? You guys rule! :smiley:

Hey there…

Just thought I would let you know that my first ever real Pit contribution was for you…

I may not see eye to eye with you on cars, but dammit, no one talks that way about one of my Fav posters…

Whatcha think?

ps. glad you’re not dead. that would suck.

And so ends another harrowing chapter in the tale of our wandering doper. Glad you’re in one piece.

Doing 80, in Utah, in January, on any road?
God wasn’t trying to kill you Honey, God has nothing to do with that.

Oh Una… you don’t have to tell me the horrors that are Utah. That was the scariest state I have ever been in! Was it totally hidden in fog? All I saw of Utah was a strip of pavement, and the occasional salt-encrusted plant on the side of the road… Yes, at least you didn’t get pulled over by Red.

Glad you’re alive and well, and yeah, we were awaiting your presence in the bizarro-world Pit thread there. And I don’t rule, Una, I’m an “idot”, or did you not see that Pit thread about me? :wink:

Huh? 80 MPH isn’t that fast, on a highway. I assume she wasn’t driving on solid ice there. They do clean the roads in the US, don’t they?

Anyway, glad to see you’re OK Una.


Fair enough too.

I read this as reindeers and read on happily.

Well, from my experience in Utah, it is extremely difficult to keep the roads free from ice once you are out of the SLC area. They ice and plow, of course, and it’s helpful, but it does get icy again soon. Also, there are always the fun patches of black ice that are nearly impossible to see, those bad boys are treacherous.

You gotta be tough before you are even allowed into Utah.
Freakin’ amateurs. :wink:

Well, welcome home, Immortal Goddess of Engineering! Nectar and ambrosia on the buffet over there, we did have Apollo lined up for musical entertainment but he’s got carpal tunnel syndrome and the harp fingers are out of action for a while, so Hera’s going to favor us with a few musical selections from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Greatest Hits. And if you survive that, honey, we will all know that you are truly one of the Immortals.

[sound of screechy soprano voice…“Memmm…reeeeee…”]

Well, I’m outta here–they told me I could either pass the hors DOO-vers up here or go help with registration Down Below. Where in Hell is my clipboard?

A beatifully written narrative, Una. (If I may call you that.)

But I think you’ve missed the entire point here.

The gods are trying to tell you something.

If I were you, I’d go out and buy myself a lottery ticket.

You are one lucky lady.

Better yet, buy me a lottery ticket!

Glad you’re still with us. Nothing like an eventful trip through Utah.

Well its nice to read another story from, the not only 500% happier but positively ‘giddy as a teenager’ Una. Now complete with total immunity from physical danger.
Oh and Ms secret dopette may I heartily recommend investing in a cell phone (and probably a hands free kit as well), we want to see more of these stories in the future.

Take care (you reckless young things).


Yay Una!

Speaking of driving fast, I got the Nova up to 90 on the highway today…there was a big, red, lifted Dodge pickup in front of me doing at least 100, so I wasn’t too worried about getting caught in my little (by '71 standards, at least) beige sedan :D. That little 307 V8 will fly! (hmm…speedo only goes to 120…;))

I am sending you something in the mail…

Hopefully you will be there to receive it soon?

Let us know, oh daredevil one.

Btw, I know that stretch of road you were on outside of Salt Lake. That is why I drive many, many miles out of my way to go around that forsaken city.

*Aenea, who has been wondering where you were!

I was doing 85 on Sunday night on 295 in a suburban with one tire maybe half-full. I see no reason Una couldn’t have managed 80 in similar conditions:)

And I’m glad to see you back, alive and invincible.