Related to this thread
Yesterday I made the trip to the mountains mentioned in that thread. The morning started out innocently enough - the sun was shining, it was almost 60 degrees out. I didn’t even need my jacket.
There was about 3-4 feet of snow along the road (plowed) at the highest point on the road I drove in on, however, my destination was about 2000 feet lower in elevation and I was not concerned. The dirt road going in had a few patches of shallow snow, but nothing major, and some parts were still dusty.
Checked the place out, then went to leave and stupidly got the Ford Explorer I was driving stuck in about 1 and a half feet of snow. For some reason I had imagined I was driving my old Dakota 4x4 pickup instead of a borrowed 2WD Exploder. For my Dakota, 1.5 feet of snow is foreplay.
I spent the next hour digging, rocking, wedging and otherwise cajoling this SUV out of the deep snowpatch and mud (I am all that is man!). Then I was on the road again.
As I approached the aforementioned point of highest elevation It started to rain. No biggie, I thought, rain means no snow. Then I noticed that the Exploder’s digital thermometer was rapidly dropping. 50 to 36 in less than 5 minutes.
Uh oh.
Suddenly, the rain turned to sleet, and rapidly dumped almost 3/4 of an inch of slush on the road. Did I mention that I am driving a shitty 2WD Exploder uphill on a windy road?
In retrospect, when I asked the owner if he had chains for the Explorer, I should have been more specific. I should have asked if he had chains and kept them in the car!!!
I slowly advanced up the (very steep) hill with the RPMs racing (any less gas and I’d slide backwards - its that steep), the vehicle moving in the desired direction, but at roughly a 45 degree angle to my path. This orientation reversed every 20 seconds or so. Because of my sheer manliness and will to conquer nature, I made it to the highway (about 2 miles), which I expected to be plowed.
Wrong.
Even more snow and slush on the highway. But luckily there was something of a path through the slush made by several previous vehicles, which I followed and eventually caught up with. No worries so far.
Then we (myself and the collective drivers in our makeshift convoy) came into the first small town, after which was a steep uphill. By this point, the slush was more snow, which the Exploder could negotiate without undue hassle.
Other drivers lacked the relationship I have with nature. There were buses pulled over, unable to move, flatlanders driving vehicles that have no business being in snow without chains (I should talk, huh?) and who have no idea how to drive in snow were spinning their tires, trying to turn around and stay at the inn, people assuming that other drivers enjoy sitting idle in a line and driving up the wrong lane of the road, etc. It was pure pandemonium. I thought for sure we would all be stranded by the rapidly falling snow.
I had a box of granola bars I’d brought with me to last for however long it took until a rescue party reached us in the spring. I began sizing up the other drivers to see who I could eat first. Being armed, I believed I had an advantage over the city folk who were up there to play in the snow for the day.
I decided that it is more difficult than it would seem to judge the quality of a man’s (or woman’s - I don’t discriminate) flesh just by observation though a car’s windows. There are many variables to be considered, such as weight, muscle mass, fat content, etc. Not to mention that this being the rural county that it is, I would be competing against the more experienced locals who have an advantage in that they are already cannibals. Being a newcomer to this practice, I would have to demonstrate Machiavellian cunning, as well as conserve my ammunition, in order to persevere.
I was unsure whether to start a campfire and invite some of the nearest drivers over to share in the warmth. I think they would have gotton suspicious when I began asking them how firm they considered their flanks to be, and whether or not they had any toxins in their system I should be aware of.
Regardless, after about an hour of sitting there pondering and plotting, the mob of vehicles somehow spontaneously organized itself and I was moving again. Soon I was below the snow line and could return to civilization.
I stopped at a gas station and got a bag of Doritos and a Red Bull. A healthy staple to be sure, but nothing next to the mystique of a potential experience a la Ravenous. Remember: when you eat the flesh of another man, you gain his strength!
