If she also has a huge malevolent grin from ear to ear, her tongue is slimy and green and forked, and has another arm growing out of her back, I’d say you have a very different kind of problem, and a much more urgent one, too.
Kill her.
Kill myself.
Problem solved.
This reminds me of Californication.
Why would you call CPS about a horny teenager with boundary issues? What are they going to do about it?
Well that would solve it, but a less drastic solution would be preferable.
Personally I’d push her off, and have a quiet “hey, we can’t do that, it’s not appropriate and not legal” talk with her. If I thought it was a one-time experimentation on her part I would further tell her I won’t tell her parents this time but if she tries it again I will have to talk with her parents.
At which point her mom, hearing voices, walks in.
That’s fine, nothing is happening and the girl is in your room not vice versa.
Not trying to be a jerk, but IMO this is perhaps the most naïve thing I’ve read on the 'Dope so far this month.
The daughter will instantly launch into some round of lies to not make it her fault. And the parents, or at least the Mom, will be so blinded by protectionist instinct as to believe whatever she comes up with and nothing of whatever you may have to say. Physical evidence to the contrary will be easily ignored.
After they hysterically call 911 you, while still half-drunk, get to talk to cops who hear Mom’s hysterical version first since she’s the one who answers the door.
Good luck, ace.
Scream “Oh no, Mrs. Burke - I thought you were Dale!” and make my getaway while she was Googling the reference.
Regards,
Shodan
And the music starts up….
I understand what you’re saying, and this is wandering from the scenario in the OP, but what exactly are you supposed to do when the mother walks in?
At that point, the girl is in there, nothing you can do about it. Running away or getting excited over it will just escalate the situation.
I wouldn’t tell the mother anything about getting felt up, I would just say I woke up and she was in there.
I still don’t see it as a huge deal, I assume you’re both still clothed and not in a compromising position. Things like this must happen every day, I know I’ve encountered teen girls with boundary issues, they tend to get crushes and you have to politely but firmly let them know there is no way anything can happen between you.
I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad that no one has said “Roll with it”. And then vigorously defended that when challenged!
Since it’s your ass on the line, I think you grab her hand and rush her into her parents room and tell them exactly what happened then and there.
Anything short leaves you open to accusations of rape and a cover-up.
Fuck her sensitivity. She’s in the wrong.
You push her away, let her go back to bed then wake and tell her parents immediately. Leave the house and hope for the best. Because if she goes to the parents first and if it’s anything but the truth, your version of events won’t be believed. Now your life is over.
Option F then needed. Blow your brains out.
That would be a sticky situation. I have dealt with the problem several times when my kids were growing up with her friends. It was always at my house or on vacation when one would come along. I would tell them how attractive they were and explain I was married besides being too old and illegal. It never caused a problem and no one ever knew the difference.
Eeeeew. TMI.
Several times? Where’d your kids go to school? The Amy Fisher Finishing School?
It’s only 7:30 in the morning and I’ve already has my laugh of the day. 
We aim to please! 
Why were you telling little girls how attractive they were? :dubious:
Definitely push her away gently and keep her at a distance with outstretch arms (not fondling her boobies, you perv) at shoulder height, quietly saying I think she’s very pretty - so the rejection doesn’t hurt her feelings - but does she want me arrested, if that doesn’t stop her say I’m in a long-term relationship, if that doesn’t then say it’s with a dude.
When she’s out of the door close it and lock it or move a wardrobe in front of it.
I’d bring it up with the father when everyone’s sober, it’d be very traumatic for everyone to have a blazing row, tears, possibly me being thrown out of the house and people saying things they regret if we’re drunk. I might not even say it face-to-face, rather on the phone at a safe distance.
I tell you whut, these teenage nymphos are just getting totally out of hand!
I can’t even walk down the street anymore without almost being raped by them, once I was ordering a gyro and before I knew it one had lept out from under the cart and started undoing my pants. Took a sharp elbow to the windpipe to get her to retreat.
I’m thinking of applying for a concealed carry to defend myself.