The most fortunate mistake I ever made was getting my ex wife pregnant.
I shudder to think about the person I’d be if that never happened.
I always assumed I’d be a father, ever since I was young, maybe as a teenager but it wasn’t an explicit thought… I was (am) the oldest of 5, and I thought I’d have maybe 2 kids. I ended up having 3, 2 boys and the youngest is a girl, and they are now great people as adults and I’ve been very blessed by them.
I was the oldest of 4 brothers in a happy family. Having kids ALWAYS seemed natural and desirable.
My youngest brother was much younger than the rest of us. The three older brothers did a huge amount of diaper changing, feeding, babysitting, et al. So, we had lots of practice, and we all looked forward to being Dads one day.
At 37, I was single and starting to think maybe it would never happen. I’m thrilled to have a son (now 13) today.
When I met the woman I realized I wanted to have children with.
So… 17? Yeah.
I mean, we waited and all. Courted for about 5 years. Married in our youth.
Stayed married (33 years), and have 6 awesome kids.
I think my clever plan worked out just fine.
It wasn’t until after I had kids I that I realized I wanted them. Neither of my kids were planned for, but both are very loved and I wouldn’t trade them for all the “freedom” in the world. But I never wanted kids beforehand.
I’m 59 and have always hated kids. Even when I was a kid. They still make my skin crawl. My GF likes kids and would have liked to have had one or two, but by the time she and I hooked up, she was already past the age where it was an issue. We are both very happy with our puppy, though.
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a father someday, it was just a question of when. ‘When’ came way later in my life than I would have expected, but better late than never.
I always knew I wanted to be a dad, but I never knew how much I wanted that until it happened. The Firebug is ten years old now, and I’m still amazed by the whole thing.
I always assumed I’d have kids, so didn’t have a turning point or a set timeframe. After I got married, we waited a few years then had two.
It’s turned out that, like others here, being a parent has been pivotal to me. It got me out of my own head and putting something else first (well, two things, actually ;)), which turned out to be central to my growing up.
What is interesting to me is that both of my kids have discussed how important it will be for each of them to have kids. We have talked a lot about how my attempts to be a better person as their parent has been key for me personally. To see that they see that and want it for themselves feels pretty cool. My son, a college sophomore, just got a dog - it is clear he was looking for “junior parent” experience where he could care for another being.
I’m just shy of 59. I’ll let you know when I suddenly want kids; it hasn’t happened yet. I’ve never been anti-kid. I like the neighbors kids and all the noise and excitement just fine. I coo at babies as well as any father. But …
At 34 I’d been married a few years and still sorta assumed kids would eventually be part of the deal, but not quite yet. But I looked at that not with any actual desire; it was just an emotionally neutral expectation.
A couple years later wife and I looked at each other and said: “Do you want to take the next 20 years off to be a stay at home parent?” “Nope.” “Me neither.” I guess that’s it then; no kids for us." “I guess so.” And 25 years later here we are with no kids.
In your OP it sounds like you’ve conflated not having kids with being alone. That’s a dangerous confusion to have. Being a parent, a boyfriend, a husband, and a friend are four very different roles. You can be any combination of none, any, or all of them.
I know some very screwed up adults who are that way because their parents wanted to ensure themselves a companion, so they had a kid and raised it to be their pet, not their young child nor child-becoming-an-adult. My advice: Don’t even muse in that general direction. Your offspring are not your companions at any stage in your/their lives. Their role is not to cure your lonliness.
There may be, and certainly should be, great love and connection and all the rest between you and any offspring. You’ll spend a tremendous number of hours, days and years in the same household doing related stuff. But that’s not the same as companionship.
It was never really a thing for me, one way or the other. I didn’t want them or not want them. My wife wanted them, though, and pronto. I stalled for a little bit because I wasn’t sure I was ready, but recognized that I’d probably never feel like there was a perfect time, so away we went. I also worried that I would still feel ambivalent about the whole thing after the fact. Turns out that was a dumb thing to worry about. We’ve got two boys now and they’re friggin’ great.
I didn’t even like being around most kids when I was a kid. I remember being annoyed by how figity and impatient most of them were (I think I would have passed that marshmallow test with flying colors.) Currently 44, and never have wanted kids of my own, never wanted to be even briefly an avuncular figure to someone else’s kids.
My mother tells me I’ve loved babies since I was one. I’ve always been very good with small children and they usually take to me very well. It was a nobrainer that I wanted my own. I have two girls and wanted at least one more but it didn’t work out that way. Unfortunately they don’t stay small. Anyone know a cheap boarding school?
I was increasingly open to it as a younger man, but my first marriage wasn’t stable enough. When my second wife and I got together in our late 30s, we knew we both wanted at least one, and we ended up having two in our forties. Absolutely the right decision for us. Had we had the opportunity to start younger, I suspect we might have had more, but two keep us plenty busy.
In making the decision whether or not to have them, it obviously help to have strong feelings one way or another. If you don’t, then it’s trickier. Some people would counsel not having them unless you know you’re enthusiastic, but I wouldn’t go that far myself. It may be too hard to put yourself in that particular hypothetical in an informed way – i.e., to know what you don’t know.
I would say rather to consider how well you adapt to changes in your life. Having a kid will change most of your old routines and impose totally different demands on your time. As time goes on, you will get better at reclaiming time and emotional space for yourself, but things will never quite go back to where they were. How well have you coped with major disruptions in the past? Are you flexible?
When my son was about 6 months old:D
I didn’t feel very strongly about it during my young adulthood, but if somebody would have asked me when I was a teenager or at any time thereafter whether I would like to have kids one day, the honest answer would have been yes.
When I turned 30 and my life finally got on track and I meet she who would become the mother of my kids, who didn’t hide that she really wanted kids, I knew that the time had come. And it was a very happy time. And still is.
oh, dear - I always thought you were a woman with an ms in front of your name. which I guess I thought was mith.
:o
Not when your wife threatened to divorce you if you didn’t agree to have one? 
I never really wanted kids, and still don’t. It’s been a problem with a few relationships, but so be it. I don’t like being tied down.
There wasn’t a time in my life when I remember not wanting kids.
It just seemed like the normal way to grow up and become an adult; that’s what adults do.
I like kids, and I liked raising mine.
Since my separation a few years back it’s been a cluster fuck though.
Sent from my XT1635-02 using Tapatalk
I don’t want them. For a wide range of reasons I decided having kids wasn’t for me.
However I’m almost 40 now, and I did go through a period of worry about whether I made the right decision. It hit me that even if I met a woman, we clicked and we had kids, I would be in my early 60s by the time the kid graduated from college. This made me realize it was too late if I changed my mind. I don’t expect my health to hold up too well, so I wouldn’t be a super healthy father. In my younger days I was worried about passing on some genetic issues to them, but now I realize that that isn’t a very high risk (ie, they’d only have a 5-10% chance of getting diseases I’ve had).
But that feeling of did I make the right decision passed and I’m feeling like I made the right decision. I have nieces and nephews I can be around if I want to be around kids, and I would only have kids if I met a financially independent woman who agreed to do most of the work (which has a 0% chance of happening, who would agree to that). I don’t want the obligations & responsibility of kids and I don’t trust my earning capacity or health to hold up enough to raise a child.
Same here. I realized I wanted to be a father around 3:30 in the afternoon (Pacific Time,) October 4th, 1999. That was when some idiot doctor let fumble-fingers me catch DESKKid the Eldest as she emerged.
I realized that I wanted to be the father of two around 5:00PM (again Pacific Coast time) on February 27th, 2002. Doctor was smart enough to realize there was a good chance I’d miss, so I was the second to hold DESKKid the Younger.
Please note, I was dead-set against having kids and my wife was ok with it; we discussed it before marriage. Both were the result of contraceptive failures, and it’s the best “mistake” that has ever happened.