I went through a similar questioning period around then though with a different set of specifics.
One thing’s for sure: the upside of not having kids is during the years they’d be dependent on you and you’re enjoying the more free time and more free cashflow, flexibility, etc. The downside of not having kids is concentrated later, when you might be, if not fully dependent on them, at least wanting some help now and again. So you (any you) really need to get past any “If only’s”, “I shoulda’s” or “What if’s?” pretty quickly and own this decision. Even if the “decision” was mostly forced upon you by life circumstances.
We’re now assisting my wife’s 92 yo mother. She’s moved herself into a senior living place that takes very good care of her and she’s paying her own way. But without us to do little things for her, care for her administration, help her make simple decisions, etc., her life would be far more difficult and frustrating for her. Not to mention more lonely and perhaps, from her POV, pointless.
It’s sobering to think about how hard, bordering on impossible, it would be for her to buy equivalent trustworthy services. Which is a problem my wife and/or I *will *face if either of us have the fortune to become feeble instead of just dropping dead while still fully self-sufficient.
Bottom line:
Having family is no guarantee they’ll be there for you. But not having family pretty well guarantees they can’t be there for you.
So we’ve made a real conscious effort to enjoy the upside while we could/can and bank that emotional goodness so we have something to offset the inevitable badness later.
I doubt that anyone wants to know on the third date if you want to have a kid with *them * - it’s much more likely that they want to know if you are open to having kids in theory. Because there are many people who have no interest in having kids with anyone - and if I know I want kids, there’s no point in getting into a serious relationship with someone who absolutely doesn’t.
honestly, having someone to task with your end-of-life care seems to me like one of the absolute worst reasons to have kids.
I don’t see “becoming feeble” as fortunate. My grandmother recently passed away at 93, and- having kept most of her marbles- the realization of how her body was failing took an enormous mental and emotional toll on her. That’s not something I want for myself; if I can no longer care for myself then I don’t want to go on like that nor do I want anyone to think they’re obligated to care for me because I brought them into existence via no choice of their own.
We talked about it before we got married. We agreed on two. Then we had been married for about five years, and were in a stable situation emotionally and financially. We assumed that, the instant we stopped contracepting, pregnancy would follow inevitably. It didn’t.
So we did the ovulation tracking thing for months, with no better results. We went to the doctor. After much poking and prodding (mostly her - once they verified that I was capable of producing viable sperm and delivering it appropriately, they lost interest in me and starting doing various things to her), they could find nothing wrong with either of us, and still nothing was happening.
We were in our 30s, and “go home and don’t worry about it for six months” was becoming less and less an option. We discussed how much more medical intervention we wanted to tolerate, and we were getting close to that limit, so we started looking into adoption. And here we are thirty years later with two.
Would I do it again? If I could be guaranteed these two - hell yes. And (don’t tell my kids) -
I am starting to think it would be cool to be a grandpa.
She had a hard enough time getting me to warm up to marriage, let alone kids.
Well…that would certainly put many of my previous posts in a different and interesting context.
It was actually supposed to be MrSmith537 (which doesn’t mean anything anyway) but I fat-fingered the name when setting up my trial account 20 years ago and never changed it.
I don’t know about teachers, but I’ve had several people working at child care centers tell me that it had made them reconsider having children. Not because the kids were difficult, but because they saw how much extra effort is was for their parents to do things now that they had children.
I’ve thought about that, but don’t really consider it a major factor.
I help my aunts and uncles, there is no reason why extended family couldn’t help me now and again when I’m feeble. It isn’t like without immediate family you are SOL. Extended family, church groups, hired help, community services etc are all there.
Plus this may be wishful thinking, but home care robots are probably going to be in wide use by the time I’m elderly. I’m not worried.
That doesn’t even take into account all the families I know where the kids stole from the parents, or moved far away and couldn’t help, or didn’t care to help their parents, etc. Lots of people can’t rely on their kids for various reasons.
I think perhaps you misunderstood my POV. Or I didn’t express myself very well.
As I told the OP in my immediately previous post, you (any you) should not have kids for *your *sake (however defined); you have them for *their *sake. But ISTM that once you have kids, just like you picked up the obligation to feed, raise, educate, and socialize them, they pick up some level of moral obligation in return. Either you or they may do those duties excellently, crappily, or blow them off completely. But the point remains that offspring who don’t exist will not be able to participate in your later years in any way. So someone with no offspring needs to plan, both practically and emotionally, on that reality.
You’ll note I said the “fortune” to be feeble, not “fortunate.” The future will be whatever it will be whether I like the outcome or not. That’s fortune at work.
Watching my MIL get up into serious age, and me now living in a Florida retirememt community with folks of widely varying older ages & health statuses, I’ve had plenty of opportunity to see pretty up close that getting old is a very mixed bag, and serious old age is a PITA.
Like you, I have no desire to outlive the enjoyment of daily life. The hard part will be identifying that threshold and doing something about it. Or doing something about it before you lose the ability to do something about it. You (any you) has to plan at least a little for at least the possibility that both those options fail and you end up having less fun and more dependency than you want, but are unable to fix it.
All in all, not a rosy topic.
Agree with all you wrote.
The adult children of elderly parents are just one more factor in the mix of how those parents live out their final years. As you suggest, both the ‘Dope and my wife’s case files are full of stories of dysfunctional unsupportive extended families; estranged parents, kids, and sibs; theft of elders’ assets; and all the rest. Ther’re a lot of nasty situations out there.
Can’t remember not wanting kids. Before we got married my wife wanted to be a parent, but was hesitant about the idea of being pregnant herself. That changed the moment we bought a house–nesting instinct or something.
Our daughter turns 22 today, and our son is 19. They are both terrific human beings.
That was one of the things that terrified me about having kids. The whole notion that they are constant work. Like once you have kids, you can never just up and go to a bar or coffee shop or even the store without figuring out who will watch them.
Of course…that was before I realized I can just take them with me to the store, coffee shop or bar.
The problem comes when they’re old enough to narc about where you’ve taken them. You’ll be driving along somewhere with the wife and kids in the car, when your son pipes up, “Look Daddy, there’s Hooters! Can we go there again sometime?”
Aged 69 (hetero, by the way) – to all intents and purposes, never had the slightest wish to have kids, and never have done so: duration of any impulses in the opposite direction, measured in seconds.
Have never married (was near doing so once – lady concerned, and I, were agreed that kids were not on the agenda). “If I had things to do over again”, would recognise that the pairing-off thing was – short of 1% -way-outside chances – not for natural-solitary me; would eschew that side of life, and concentrate on things which my heart was truly in.
Overall, I’ve never felt that way. Like you, I love kids. My family was sure I would become a teacher, because I’ve always liked them and never groused about watching younger siblings. But at the same time, being around kids means noticing there are plenty on hand, so why bring coal to Newcastle?
I had a period in my 20s when I was dating quite possibly the most adorable woman on the planet, and I wanted a daughter simply to have two of this person around, but it wasn’t to be. Really, it’s a bit sad that she’s never had kids. She would have been a great mom.
I had always assumed that I’d have kids some day. It was just what you did, I suppose. After I got married the first time, my wife wasn’t ready so we didn’t try. At some point, she was more leaning towards have kids, but I had cooled on the idea of having any with her.
After we separated I just assumed that it was too late, I was already in my 40s. Then I met my current wife and she was ready. When she got pregnant then I really knew I wanted to be a father. Losing our first one made the feeling grow stronger.
I grew up with this prejudice against daycare as well. I hadn’t thought about for years, but it suddenly came out when my wife was pregnant and we were discussing what we would do. After the initial shock, I had to admit that kids could likely be OK even without a stay at home parent. So far, so good.
