Mental Road Rage...

The BBQ Pit
1

Tonight i was driving back home to the parents house for the weekend, and i was being tailgated by a frelling 18-wheeler, i was doing the speed limit, maybe 5 over, but this moron insisted on riding my bumper with the high beams on…

i happily ignored him, my exit was coming up shortly, so i stayed in my lane until the last second and quickly zipped over to the offramp, while sending the moron in the truck a “sign language” message…

i’m lucky that i have a lot of self control and would never instigate a road rage incident, however, what was going on in my mind was…

1; the idiot has his high beams on, i roll down my window and shine my <Dr. Evil> ONE MEELLION CANDLEPOWER</DE> spotlight in his eyes, causing him to lose control of his truck and <end up on the side of the road*>

2; i reach back for my conveniently located <paintball marker**> and wait for him to pass, i then proceed to <paintball***> the rig’s <rear tire****> forcing the rig to <end up on the side of the road*****>

(did i mention the truck was actually a <milk******> tanker?)

*jacknife
**357 Magnum “paintball marker”
***“paintball” :wink:
****rear tire
*****become a really pretty orange glowy thing
******fuel

so what “fantasy road rages” have you played in your mind?

remember, this is all in fun, i would never act out my fantasy, but it’s fun to make them up :wink:

2

My mental road rage consist of huge missles attatched to the front of my car. With these missles I can fire to the front, left or right. When hit, the target explodes and flips up high overhead, while doing no damage to me.

Cars with loud thumping music have their speakers explode and the tires go flat.

My fantasy road rage car can come to a complete stop from 80 MPH in 1.2 seconds, causing the ass rider to plow into the invisible force field around my car. I then happily drive away.

Those drivers who choose to run red lights, or make left hand turns from the right hand lane are immediately graced with a giant hovering blinking arrows, along with a sign stating their stupidity.

Apparently, I have issues…

3

Most of mine involve having an Indestructible Car and slamming on the brakes (tailgaters) or side-swiping someone (bastards who won’t let me change lanes, despite having my turn signal on for 5 minutes). Mmmm. Destruction.

Or having telekenetic powers, so I can pick up their cars and put them nicely into a ditch. Minus their tires. And engine.

4

I have always wanted to drive down the road, fairly fast, while sniping. Or using a BAR with mount to plow people over. I would love to snipe those asshole bikers who weave in and out at 70 miles per hour as well. I would love it if I recieved the honorary title of “Rambo of the Road” as well.

Also, I have always want a ramp on the back of my car so that I would be able to slam on my brakes and have the guy behind me sent flying through the air which would give me a better position to shoot. YAY!

5

Lyllian reminded me that in my mind, my car is also equipped with phasers, disruptors, an EMP cannon, and a “Weapons Cascade” (like the one on D’Argo’s ship in Farscape that can vaporize a Leviathan in one shot), we’re talking a vehicle the size of my Neon that can take out a small mountain with one shot, obviously, the Weapons Cascade gets the most use :wink:

6

I want a huge fluffy cushion on the front of my car so I can just PUSH the slow car in front of me!

7

MacTech, when I am in a situation like you were in, the truck can’t pass me safely and wants to show his ass and tailgate me. I like to slow down safely until he has to stop. Trust me, he would rather stop than be responsible for an accident, the driver’s livelyhood is dependent on a good driving record. If the truck is under load, deceleration and acceleration are a big deal. There are no fewer than ten gears and with a full load you have to use most of them. With a tanker truck there is a surge, slowing down and speeding up, due to the liquid moving back and forth. All in all slowing down and then speeding up again is a big pain in the ass, it takes time. Also, the driver is likely being paid by the mile, if he’s not turnin, he’s no earnin.

8

I wish I had the indestructable car so I could hit every asshole who turns out in front of me, making me slam on my breaks, and scaring the fuck out of me.

I hate people who do that more than any thing.

9

Mine is the car that can levitate and “spaceship-like” roll over upside down, spin around and have my windshield hover inches from Mr. Tailgaiter. I would then wag my finger at him. Not the middle one, the index one that signifies “no-no-no”.

Then my car/spaceship would just shoot up into the void. When Mr. Tailgaiter stops his vehicle He would discover that it has mysteriously been repainted with bright red logos telling the world that he is an asshole.

10

My peeve is non-indicating turners, both from a pedestrian and driver point of view. When you’re out for a run and you nearly get clobbered when crossing the road because the car turning in front of you didn’t indicate, there’s nothing you can do to them aside from giving the fingers. (although there was one time when the driver stopped and asked why I did that and I called him the c-word. That felt good)

And in my town we don’t have traffic lights so everyone has to use roundabouts which requires courtesy on all sides. The drivers who turn without indicating in that instance cause you to miss valuable turning time yourself - gaps in the traffic are few and far between during rush-half-hour.

I would love to hear people’s ideas for ways to pay these wankers back. My fantasy of jogging with a slingshot is unrealistic, and taking numbers down to report them anonymously means stopping to write down the details, again unrealistic in heavy traffic.

11

Slams on the brakes & yells

PULL!!!
Ah, yes. So much more fun than clay targets.

12

I really was thinking of posting this. Or something similar. My thread was going to be entitled “Inventions it’s probably better they haven’t gotten around to inventing yet” (or something similarly awkward) and my OP was going to say

*I’m glad they haven’t invented the Intra-Automobile Communicator, for such a thing would be a instrument of abuse, torment, and bile the likes the world has never seen. Put one in my car and I guarantee blood pressures will be rising and posse’s will be rolling.

"Hey, you stupid bint in the '87 Buick! It’s called the passing lane, not the pacing lane. Speed your ass up and let me through, goddammit… "

“Jesus H Christ, what the fuck was that?? You’re 17 years old and you stopped at a yellow? What the hell is wrong with you son?”

“Hey, nice move! It’s about time somebody with some balls started driving in this town!”

“Why the fuck would you buy a car like that, only to drive it like that??? If the salesmen at the Mercedes place had any true appreciation for the product, he would’ve directed you to the Toyota dealership after your test drive due to your not being worthy of this fine auto… tell me, did you drive it at a constant 10 mph under the speed limit then too?”

“Oh, Christ on a pogo stick! Can’t a single ever-motherfucking one of you be bothered to turn right on red? Is it so damned impossible to watch the approaching traffic and then, maybe, squeeze your Miata in that really small 500-YARD gap between cars?”

“MOVE IT!!! MOVEITMOVEITMOVEITMOOOOOOOVEIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!”

“Hey lady, it’s just an 18-wheeler. Why don’t you pass the damned thing or get your ass over?”

“Any one of you tards wanna explain how it is that 40 cars lined up in the right lane while only 3 cars are in the left? Not that I don’t mind the quick approach to the stoplight, I’m just wondering what sort of sheep mentality it takes to see a quarter-mile of empty lane to your left and then not take it?”

Yeah, it’s probably better that they didn’t invent one of those. *

But it fits just as well in this thread, so here it is.

13

But all I really want are some flashing blue’s and the authority of the law. My new dream job: Undercover traffic cop. :smiley: