Will they tell me to horde cans of tuna fish there?
That is just so WRONG! 
Remember, you can horde a piano, but you can’t horde a fish.
No, no no… of course not. If anything, HHS Secretary Michael Leavitt is *protecting * you from the Boogeyman. And avian flu. And Ebola. And the terrorists. He’s protecting your bed from evil terrorist birds. Such as the ones that ruled South America before the last glaciation period. Notice how there have been almost no confirmed sightings of these giant flightless predatory birds since Michael Leavitt took office and moved under your bed. In this regard, his presence is really quite beneficial, as he keeps the ecological niche under your bed from being overrun by disease-ridden carnivorous ratites. And the Boogeyman, of course.
So the next time you get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, and a pallid, sinewy arm snakes from under the bed to grab your ankle, do not be alarmed! It’s not the Boogeyman, merely Secretary Leavitt checking your extremities for any telltale swelling that might indicate signs of hemorraghic edema. He’s only doing his job! Remember to leave a plate of tuna and a glass of milk out for him before you go to bed. Sleep well.
Should I mix the tuna with the powdered milk? Before or after The Outbreak? A wee bit confused here.
Fine. You never, ever, defend the administration, but in this one rare instance you seem to see the logic.
Now will you answer the question?
These terrorist birds?
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/08/images/050801_terrorbirds.jpg
I’m scared!
Um, yeah. I think you may be confusing Airman Doors with Clothsahump.
What is there to get worked up about. For once, a member of this administration gave good advice. Keep a small stockpile of non-perishable food in case of an emergency.
Okay, so he phased it in a rather stupid way, but these are baby steps.
As for the under the bed bit: I think he meant to keep your non-perishable food stuffs in a safe place. Again - how to make good advice sound really stupid.
Are they going to address this issue on ‘Sesame Street’? Will Big Bird try to convince people he’s sick, but nobody will believe him, like how it used to be when he talked about Snuffalupicus? “I said I’m SICK bitch, what are you, deaf? Oh right, sorry…”
I’m just going to stockpile ammo under my bed, and let my neighbors stock up on food.
if ya know what I mean.
Uncanny? Just thought of that while sitting on your can, no doubt.
Squink: What does the San Jose newspaper have to do with this?
But for the love of God do not forget the can opener.
Yeah. It’s harmless. It hurts nothing and contributes to preparedness for a minimal price. Like I said: big deal.
Well, now that Knight Ridder’s been sold, they’ll been spinning off the Mercury to Hallibuton, which, as a popular tuna substitute, will find it’s way under the beds of millions of Americans. Tamiflu, BAH! VP Cheney stands to make BILLIONS and BILLIONS through this insider market manipulation scheme.
Or stock up on individual serving size cans, which come with pull-tab tops.
I can skip the powdered milk if someone can point me to a supply of powdered beer.
Actually, that’s 100% correct. The company that bought K-R has put 12 of the papers up for sale, and one of them is the Merc. Good guess!
No guess there. Now the bit about Cheney making a mint off the whole deal… 