Somewhere on this board, years ago, a few people were having a discussion about a parenting style that they all recognized. All the people were born and raised in the midwest, and all were surprised when they moved away that parents in other regions did things differently.
IIRC, the thing they remembered in common was that their parents never praised them or encouraged them. In fact, their parents seemed to think it their duty to take the kids down a notch, or tell them not to get a swelled head, or tell them that they weren’t as great as they thought they were.
This seemed familiar to me and I remembered that both of my parents were from the midwest. I was born and raised in southern California, but the parenting technique described above is exactly the way I was raised. My parents were by no means abusive or even cold, but I don’t think I remember even one sentence of praise. I do remember many instances of them purposefully deflating my pride in some minor achievement. In particular, when I was doing well in college and showed my grades to my mom, her only comment was “Don’t become a professional student.”
Does anyone else have any input on this? I’m sure the discussion I read, described above, came from this board.
My mother was born and raised on a dairy farm in Wisconsin and has never in her life said anything nice about me in my presence. So there’s a data point for you. However, she also didn’t like me. Her mother, same dairy farm, was not exactly effusive but she managed to astringently approve of some of my behaviors (being tidy, persistent, hardworking, and mastering skills she taught me like sewing and making bread).
I think you are generally right though. It’s the mix of taciturn New Englander and dour Scandanavian and Germanic peasant heritage that makes up a lot of the original midwest culture, at least the upper part of it.
My parents were both raised in WI, children of the 1930’s and early 1940’s. Dad was a farm kid, dropped out of HS in 10th grade. Mom was a city girl, had a semester of college, and worked as a secretary.
I got lots of positive affirmation, unconditional love, and support from them both from an early age. Discipline was present, but rarely physical. I was encouraged to follow my interests, read, study, go on in school as far as I desired.
Many of my cousins fared less well with their parentage, along the lines described by the OP, however.
Born and raised in the Cleveland OH area which some don’t consider the Midwest, but those of us who live(d) there generally do. I got lots of praise growing up.
Yep, mom was from a Norwegian farm family on her dad’s side, and had some German in her background, too.
Dour is right! I recently unearthed on familysearch.org a big family reunion photo, taken on a prairie farm and dated 1936. Many of the numerous people in it are my Norwegian ancestors. You never saw such a scowly, disapproving mob!
Got praise when did good. Got scolded when did bad.
In sports, we kept score. And if you fucked up, couch would yell at you (even if you were only 9yo. Believe me, I know first hand! :D)
I was born 1970, so maybe it was a time thing rather than a regional thing.
Midwestern (Indiana/Michgan) stock going back a long way, the exception of some late 19th/early20th c Dutch and Swiss immigrants. Yes, I know plenty of people like that, but I’ve mostly blamed it on being the Depression Generation. They have a combination of sour grapes combined with grim realism that doesn’t lend itself to coddling children.
Many are warmer and are nice to children, including their own, but within my own family there’s a definite prejudice against being your kids’ friends, helicopter parenting, staying in too close touch once they grow up, etc. My mother has some friends who moved to the East coast and to California after college, and she’s equal parts baffled and disgusted by how involved they are with their adult kids.
Hmm, I dunno. My parents were super even-keeled. Not too strict but not needlessly praiseful or supportive. They both had crappy childhoods (also in Cleveland, like me) so they did compensate by being Excellent Parents but yeah I guess we are all a bit standoff-ish with each other. I’ve come to realize that mom has very low self-esteem and is super pessimistic so she’s not pushing me to go anywhere or do anything. But as a result I am self-motivated and push against her to get stuff accomplished. My brother, on the other hand (the Prince!), had a bit of a “failure to launch” problem.
Then again, I have plenty of friends and acquaintances who are midwestern parents now, and were raised by midwestern parents, and they can be as hellicopter-y as any parents.
I sort of feel that it’s a generational thing. Or a church thing.
This is a part of my heritage, as well; my Dad wasn’t effusive in noting my successes and pretty strenuous about “discussing” my shortcomigs, but I did receive some praise when appropriate. (I could tell he was making the effort; it didn’t seem particularly spontaneous, but rather that he was working against his own tendencies.)
Recent-immigrant Saxon Germans (his dad was in the immigrant generation), Norwegian and Swedish (Montana, but probably Dakota before that). Highly Calvinist Lutherans all.
The most virulent strains of Calvinism hold that humanity is worthless and wicked, redeemed only because God is overwhelmingly merciful, but we’re not really very praiseworthy. So don’t expect any praise.
Not Midwestern, but I grew up with a mother who didn’t praise (Southeastern US, for a data point.) In some ways, my mother was a Tiger Mother before that was a thing: if I had a 99% in a rigorous class, she worried about the 1% that I failed to learn. She was there for every academic award ceremony, but she watched exactly one of my musical performances when I was in chorus, marching band, and symphony. And she made fun of me for the Symphony performance, because I got red-faced and sweaty under hot lights. From the age of 8, she shamed me about my weight - I was a muscular 5’9", 145 at 18, and I have my Grandmother’s tailoring book from my youth: my senior prom dress was made for 37"-26"-38", and my wedding dress was 37"-25"-37.5". I wish I were that fat today!
At 48, I know that she was and is proud of me. But she was always afraid to praise me, because my ego might have undone me. And this is coming from a Methodist perspective. She’d have destroyed me if we’d been Calvinist.
The whiplash opposite was my paternal grandmother. She honestly adored everything about her grandchildren. Seriously. If I’d become a criminal, she’d have praised my alibis for creativity. As a very tiny woman from the age of the grand ideal of the Gibson Girl, Grandma was entirely sincere in the compliment of “baby, you look so nice and fat today.” And I had to go take a picture with Grandma, every time I had a certificate for a math score or a National Merit scholarship. She had a good mind, poor parents, and an sixth grade education. I accidentally taught her algebra, because she was there listening when I was trying to figure out the principles. And she mourned that my Grandpa wasn’t there, because he would have understood the concept even sooner - with his second grade education. (And she was right. He had the head for algebra and geometry.)
But my maternal grandmother made me understand my mother. My mom and her sisters are truly smart, gorgeous, talented, and wise. They never got credit. I hope i am never that self-absorbed and cruel, that I can’t allow my children to be and do the wonderful things they’re destined. And, knowing my grandmother, I forgive mother’s reactions to me and my siblings. She always meant well.
I was raised in so.arkansas…my mother loved all eight of us…and would praise us even when.we probably didn’t deserve it…my daddy was a hard ass…of course he was marine corps drill instructor…but he let us know we were loved without being effusive about it…turns out I was not huggy and kiddie with my kids…i did strive hard to build their self esteem though…because it was really being pressed on us by teachers at that time…They are adults now and are all successful…my youngest is probably more spoiled than the older two…according to them…i can’t really see a difference tho’ …we have probably spent more on her
I was born in 1961 in Northeastern Minnesota (3 younger sisters). My dad was first generation Italian (both of his parents were born in Calabria, Italy). My mom is of English and German heritage. Both Catholics, although my dad never went to church unless it was a baptism, confirmation, wedding, or funeral. I had a great childhood. We were a close family (still are). Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were always a big part of our lives. I think Italians are just that way! But my mom’s family was pretty much the same. We were always praised and encouraged especially when it came to school. Punished (not horribly) when necessary.
I grew up in Baltimore, with parents who grew up in Baltimore. If I got a 97 on a test, it was “Why didn’t you get 100?”
We weren’t abused - we were just expected to be the first and the best at everything. Period. It was a while before I was able to accept that I wasn’t and would never be the firstest and bestest, but that I have enough talents, abilities, and smarts to make me a contributing member of society.
I didn’t need a participation trophy, but an occasional “Good job” might have been nice.
Anyway, it’s obviously not an exclusively midwest thing.
Grew up in the Chicago area in the early 70s and 80s. We received praise for a good job and my mother proudly displayed my sister’s equestrian ribbons – even the 2nd, 3rd and 4th place ones. We also, of course, got yelled at when we screwed stuff up.
Edit: Polish Catholic heritage for those keeping track on the ethnic/religious front.