Tough love is easy to talk about, but hard to do in reality. Sure, put a boot in his ass and kick him out of the house.
Where will he go? What will he do? Live on the street? He has no marketable skills and can’t make it legitimately. Will he turn to crime, drugs, or prostitution?
Even if the guy is determine to be tough, I’m sure his wife is chirping in his ear to not do it. Plus, this weekend is a bad time and he has a lot to do. He will kick him out “next weekend” (a term which means never).
Especially if the other siblings are all-stars. Imagine how fun it must be for them during family get-togethers.
Kid A: I saved another person’s life today!
Kid B: I got my defendent off of death row!
Kid C: I just discovered a new polymer that’s going to change the world!
Kid D: Um…I just finished watching the last season of “A.L.F.” That’s kinda cool, right?
Maybe Kid D isn’t below-average in the intelligence department. But he doesn’t believe he could ever match the accomplishments of his siblings, so it’s easier on him psychologically to not even try. Perhaps he’s thinking if he’s going to be an embarrassment anyway, he might as well enjoy himself while he’s at it. And at least he doesn’t have to be out in public announcing his “failure” by wearing a name tag and a paper hat. He can tell his friends he’s a day trader or runs his own ebay business, and no one (that he cares about) would be none the wiser.
The fact that this guy has four kids and three of them turned out really well makes me inclined to join the “we don’t know everything that’s going on with the fourth kid” camp.
My brother is like this. He got B’s in school without any real effort (so did I), did a couple semesters at community college, had a paper route in the apartments across the street for a little while; but he lived with my mom until she died last summer.
I don’t know exactly why my mom put up with it. It’s probably a combination of things. She told me last year that she suspected he may have Asperger’s, and he barely socializes with anyone. And she may have liked having some company; she had lots of friends and a good job, but without him at home it would have been just her and the cats.
But part of it may be that I never really got a sense that she had a strong plan on how to raise us in the first place. She was never very proactive and avoided any sort of conflict. I think it was her view that if he wanted nothing more from life than heating a frozen dinner in the microwave and going to estate sales on Saturday morning, there wasn’t anything she could do to make him change.
That last probably doesn’t apply to the case in the OP; three super-achievers and one stuck in neutral means there’s something else going on, too.
Holding some sort of a job would be mandatory for any adult living in my basement. Even if its stocking groceries at Krogers. There’s always some job a person can do in life.
Any failings that my brother has (he’s no basement dweller but he could use improvement in some of the life lesson areas) my mother blames on herself. I’m sure she says the same about me to my brother. That’s the way she works as a parent. We both lived at home until our mid 20s.
x2! My oldest daughter (soon to be 19) is living at home and only works enough hours at a convenience store to put gas in her car to hang on the weekend with her friends. It’s like pulling teeth to get her to do ANYTHING around the house.
She barely graduated HS and really has no motivation for college or tradeschool which I told her I would pay for. She’s gotten a bit better since we took her off of our payroll a few months ago. We no longer pay for her car insurance, (she was kicking in 60$ a month to help, but I always had to chase her for it), turned off her cell phone (same deal, 40$ a month kick in). We told her, you want the freedom owning a car affords you…pay the insurance. You want a cell phone , get your own. We DO still feed her though :rolleyes: .
She (and her friends,for that matter) seems to think that the world owes her a living.
When my daughter got married, we built an apartment in our basement for her and her husband so he could go to school and they could save for a house. She got a job teaching, he sat on his ass, trying to decide what he wanted to be when he grew up. (Incidentally, he was 32 when they married, and had been living with is mother. yeah, I know.)
He did get a job (that I saw advertised and forwarded to him) at a decent wage that allowed him the flexibility to go to the local community college. He did take classes for 2 years, after which he had enough credits for *half *an AA degree. He drove our extra vehicle because they couldn’t afford car payments, yet he always seemed to have money for new computers or computer games or trips to gamer cons.
After 2 years, she booted him out, and he returned… to mom’s, and to a job that is normally held by high school kids during summer break. He wasn’t a rocket scientist, but he wasn’t stupid. He definitely had social skills and a big network of friends, till they figured out what a slug he was. He was just flat-out lazy. And if he hadn’t met and married another gamer who was willing to support him, he’d still be living with mommy. She must be so proud…
We have one at our house too. He flunked out of high school a couple years ago because he couldn’t be bothered to go to class. Supposedly he was going to take online classes for his diploma and he spun that out a good long while until he was dropped from the program for not doing the work. He would do a bit now and then, and all along the way were people willing to give him yet another chance. Anyway, he finally took the test for his GED a few weeks ago and we’re waiting for results. If there are any parts of the test he didn’t pass, he’ll be allowed to take them again, but this may involve being physically present in a classroom, which he has a well-established problem with.
And no, he’s not agoraphobic, he has a part-time job and spends lots of time out with his buddies. When he’s home, he sleeps and is not expected to make any sort of contribution. His laundry is washed, folded, and returned to him once a week. He doesn’t eat much, though that’s more due to his food pickiness. When he eats, the dirty dishes and wrappers stay in his room until his dad gets them out.
This is my husband’s son, so I let him deal with it (I have my own kids and their own problems). Supposedly, the boy will be kicked out if he hasn’t graduated high school and enrolled at the community college by his birthday in July.
I know this isn’t exactly what the OP meant, but it seems a good place to put my contribution. I know a guy who used to live near a biggish city, who had a good paying job, and a college education. His job was downsized, and he had one or two part-time jobs after that, but ended up moving back to his father’s farm (meaning the house sitting on farm land, the cows were sold years ago). And there he stayed, fighting with his dad like an old married couple! He’s been there, ever since, for at least 10 years now (he’s about 40) with his father, both of them sitting around a house rapidly becoming a hoarders paradise, watching TV, and …gosh, it’s just too sad. He could have gotten some kind of job even if he had to drive half an hour, he could have met and married a nice woman, he could have done this or that…but no, nothing. And now he’s pretty much stuck there, supported by his father, and also taking care of the old man whose health is deteriorating. Sad.
I’ve been back at home with my mom for about four years. It started because I got divorced and needed to get the hell out of where I was living. It continued because my mom and I have always been close friends. My grandma lives with her, since she can no longer live on her own, and it helps my mom to have someone around. I worked full-time for three of those years and made enough that I could have lived on my own. Instead, I paid my mom rent and stayed here.
The last year, I haven’t worked; I focused on losing weight, which I’ve done quite well. Now I’ve found part time work and applied to grad school. I did this largely because I really, really don’t want to be here the rest of my life. I can’t imagine being content with the situation to that extent.
When I announced my engagement at the too young age of 18, my grandfather said he did not approve. I was informed that as the youngest female of my generation, it was my duty to remain with the family to take care of my elders. Just has his sister had done. My Great Aunt Libby had one romance, and one job her entire life, both over by the time she was 25. From that time on, it was her job to help around the farm, help raise her baby brother, and take care of her parents. Unfortunately, her mother lived well into her late 90’s.
I didn’t say anything in response to my Grandfather, but I looked at my Mom and mouthed “Oh HELL no!” Not surprisingly, I am my mother’s caregiver.
TheKid and I have had multiple discussions about her not being a basement dweller. I’m of the opinion that if she’s in school, she can live here free. If she has a job, she can pay rent. If she’s actively looking for work, and can prove it, she can live here as long as she actively contributes to the household. If none of the above apply, she can leave. I’ve aleady assured her I will keep her on my medical/dental insurance as long as available to her, no matter where she is. Paying for her cell phone would end. My mom has told me she could live with her, which would be a hoot (they are too similar), so TheKid wouldn’t be on the street.
We have friends who are trying to out their basement dwellers, and it’s not going well. One kid (22) goes to school part time, but does assist around the house. The other (19) is useless as hell, and their Mom has finally started pushing him out of the nest. Unfortunately, her husband is very against it and it’s caused issues in their marriage.
Couple of basement dwelling / un-launched step kids/nephews.
If mine, I’d give them one more year at home and sign them up for a year’s volunteer work at a homeless shelter. Then I’d explain that at the end of the year they can go live there or get a job and move out…
I find this fascinating. Are you saying there were two women (including your daughter, not including his mom) willing to put up with this guy? Did they just like him for his… gaming skills? What did your daughter see in him? What did you think of their getting married? (Sorry if I’m being nosy – of course don’t feel you need to answer at all – but with a daughter myself, even though she’s only two, I’m starting to think about things like “What if she brings home a complete loser?”)
This seems to be offered up as an explanation every time this discussion comes up.
And while I have no doubt that it’s true in many instances, I have to wonder if it’s cause or effect. Are they living in their parent’s basement because they’re depressed/unmotivated? Or are they depressed because they’re not supporting themselves?
Probably some combination of both in a feedback loop I’m sure, but I’d like to see some research on the subject.
My husband and I were both aghast at her choice, and we expressed our concerns more than once. But she was 22 and we didn’t feel like we could forbid her to marry. Why did she marry him? I’m not sure. She knew his history, including that he’d NEVER held a full-time job in his life. She told me later she felt like she *had *to go thru with it once she accepted. Her friends felt like it was a mistake too, but no one said anything till after they split.
As to why we let them become our basement dwellers, he said he wanted to get a degree, and silly us, we believed him. But the longer he was here, the more apparent it was that he was a lump. We sat them both down on a couple of occasions to try to give them a goal and a path, and that lasted maybe 2 days. I found out that one of the classes he took was something like “How to take college classes” - yeah, really.
And his second wife - she’s a gamer, too. That’s how they met. I understand he’s working for her daddy now, while she’s opened her own salon or something. I can’t help wondering how long it’ll be before she boots him out, too.
This conversation and a contact with a long lost acquaintance via Facebook are reminding me that I need to sit down with my daughter (who is 12) (and my son as well) and tell them “don’t settle. Really. Just don’t. Don’t end up with someone because they ‘love you’ and you are afraid there isn’t anyone else out there who will feel the same way. Don’t waste your time waiting for someone to ‘grow up.’ When you pick someone for anything more than ‘a good time hanging out’ you are picking someone you can depend on to put his or her own dishes in the dishwasher. Mow the lawn when it gets four inches high. Take the car in for an oil change. Be responsible enough to watch your kids (should you choose to have them), and hold a job. Because, trust ‘been there done that’ it isn’t a ‘good time hanging out’ when you are the only one in the relationship who knows where the toilet brush is or who pays a bill. You are better off living alone and just having immature friends than end up living with someone who needs a Mommy and Daddy, not a partner.”
"And, of course, the corollary to this, someday you will have to move out of Mom’s house. It will come sooner than you think. And you’ll need to hold a job and do your own dishes. And that will make you a better partner for your future spouse (or spousal substitute). "
The Law of the Dope states quite clearly that simple laziness does not exist; there is always some underlying condition to blame it on. Depression, Asperger’s, ADD, social anxiety—close your eyes and throw a dart and see what you hit.
It’s telling that when the OP said that the slacker kid’s own father denied that he had a disability, the immediate reaction is to assume the father is hiding something. Yeah, no preconceptions or confirmation bias going on around here.
Fair enough, and I don’t disagree. But would you throw your kid (even if he’s 30) to the wolves? Even if you can afford to let him eat Doritos and jerk off in the basement?
Let’s say that you Get Tough and tell him that he’s going to mow the grass and trim the hedges Or Else.