Mindset of Parents accepting a lazy kid.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is something that is so alien to me, I was curious if anyone dealing with it it and can explain it.

I work with a guy who is a great dude, smart, good at his job , fun to grab a beer with. He is in his 50s. His oldest kid had straight A through school, and was an honors medical school graduate and is a successful doctor. Kid three was straight As did well in Law school, and is now a legal aid lawyer. Kid 4 is working on a PHD in Chemistry.

Kid 2 went to one week of college, decided it wasn’t fun, and moved back home where he has played Everquest and WOW for 12 straight years. He hasn’t ever had a job at all, and had a deal where he had to take at least one class at a Community college each semester, but even that has stopped.

I didn’t really want to pry into my coworkers life, but the subject comes up every once in a while, And he has pretty much resigned himself to having a worthless kid , and has told the Doctor son that when he and his wife are gone, Kid 2 is his responsibility for having dad’s help with paying for medical school.
And the kid has no disability or retardation at all, just freaking lazy.
That kind of thing just amazes me. Where I grew up that just wasn’t done. If you weren’t going to college you had maybe a year after high school graduation before your ass was kicked out, and if you were going to college you could stay home during summers, but you had to have a job.

I don’t want to get into value judgments, or anything, but I am really curious if someone can explain the attitude where you just give up on a kid and let him do nothing on your dime. I really want to go slap the kid silly and put my foot up his ass, and I’ve never met him or payed a dime for him, how does a parent deal with it?

2

How do you know that?

3

People who live in the basement playing video games their entire young adulthood rather than accomplishing anything are enabled by their parents, true. But all I’ve ever known have also had significant long-term issues with depression and anxiety. If you’ve never had depression and anxiety, it’s probably hard for you to understand what it’s like, and how difficult it is to deal with a child who is crippled by it.

Parents can’t force their kids to be motivated and functional. You can force them to do certain things; like apply for jobs, or take a class, or get the hell out of your house without caring where they go. But if someone has no intrinsic desire to better themselves/their situation, all a parent gets from pushing them from step to step emotional exhaustion. And many would rather be sure their dysfunctional child is safe at home, than put their foot down and tell them they have to leave even if it means sleeping on the street.

ETA: I’m also going to go with ‘you don’t know the whole situation’. And I assure you slapping the kid silly would accomplish nothing. There are plenty of dysfunctional young people who live at home with parents who regularly physically assault them - doesn’t make them any more likely to become successful and independent. The opposite rather IME.

4

Because I asked.

5

Rebound kids are apparently becoming the norm rather than the exception. My siblings and I bolted from home at 18 and never returned to live off the parents. My four headed out on their own and at various times have lived in their mother’s basement, but they have always been employed and earned their keep. I don’t understand a parent allowing someone to live rent-free, contributing nothing to the household upkeep and food, while not bothering to find work.

We have a relative whose son lives at home, and who is not even expected to mow the lawn once in a while. Meanwhile, the mother works double shifts, then comes home and cooks, cleans and does yard work. Her reasoning is that she had to work hard when she was a child and doesn’t want her own kids to grow up like that. So now the kid has no work ethic and no sense of consequences. People have strange ideas of child rearing.

6

You don’t? But this is perfectly normal parenting
…when your children are small.

7

Every single basement dweller I’ve ever known DID have severe psychological issues often as said anxiety and depression.

Would a normal 25 year old really want to beg mommy for money to go to Taco Bell?

8

This is nothing new. They may not have been playing WOW, but there have always been people that have done this. I had an uncle that never really left home until both his parents were dead and he’d lost the house he inherited due to second-mortgaging it.

9

Very true. My great-aunt, the youngest of 4, lived with her mother until she died and never had any degree of independence, though she did work for a while. She must be 75 by now, and is still living in the house my great-grandma died in. My grandmother and great-uncles give her money if she needs it.

And in my family, all three of us were out of my parent’s house and supporting ourselves financially when we were 18 (the youngest just a year ago), pretty much. I doubt we will ever return. Of course, my mom is a hardass and has no problem with us sleeping on the streets if we don’t want to do as she says and pay her $500 a month to stay in her guest room. ^^

10

what do you honestly think this would accomplish?

11

Sure you do. That’s the only reason to even start a thread like this.

12

Maybe the parents feel like they lucked out with the other 3 kids, so it’s too much to ask for the other one to be functional.

Or maybe there’s some shit going on that you just aren’t privy to. People generally keep really embarrassing stuff to themselves and create a narrative that covers the basics, just to satisfy other’s curiosity.

13

What the hell makes you think your co-worker would “admit” to having a kid with some sort of disability, learning issue, or mental illness to some nosy, judgmental co-worker?

You don’t know what’s up with the kid.

How does kid 2 regard this? Is he on board with “I have to take care of my brother”? If he is, that’s an indication there’s something amiss here besides laziness. Though why you expect someone would share the details with a non-relative is beyond me.

14

“Boomerang kids” is the new term. Part of it is the lousy economy; even with a college degree, it’s hard to find a job that pays well enough to move out, especially if you’re in a high-rent area. I was back with my parents for about three months after graduation, travelling for work for the next five, and then back with them for five of the next six before I found work that paid well enough to move out. And I’m lucky; I got a degree in something practical* and while I’m still in my home town, I have friends to split rent with and I’m doing just fine. I think that the last thing that my parents are subsidizing is my cell phone bill (a basic plan, no smartphone) and I’m going to cut the cord on that soon.
*OK, it’s a theatre degree, but I am actually using it, which is more than most of my college friends can say.

15

In all cases where I have known that to be a long-term situation (ie not really the way appleciders describes) it has been due to some form of psychological condition. From what I’ve personally known it has been (high functioning) autism, mild developmental disability and depression.

Many of these cases were before those conditions were adequately diagnosed and I think most people would describe these people the way you describe your co-worker’s son: a failure.

I’ll put my money on undiagnosed depression.

Of course that still means they might be partially responsible for enabling this child in his inability to build his own successful life. But it makes it more understandable.

If the kid just doesn’t want to do anything and they have enough money for that and are ok with him being home, then frankly, why worry? I suppose rich people have been doing this for centuries. It’s probably somewhat irresponsible, but so are smoking and eating pizza every day. Oh well.

16

My friend has 3 kids and one is just not really capable of…uh… living a productive life. The kid is not sensible nor does she seem capable of making any kind of life plan. She has a mental health diagnosis , but nothing major. Just not terribly functional.

17

This kid doesn’t sound like a boomerang/rebound kid in that he hasn’t really tried to complete college or get himself into some type of job situation.

There’s a million reasons as to why they allow him to do this. Guilt? Tired of fighting with him? Maybe he contributes in some other unmentioned way? I don’t think you’ll find an exact answer here, just antedotes.

Echoing Gracer, the only similar case I knew of was my ex’s brother who had some type of high-functioning autism. Could never stay in college long enough to get a degree, didn’t have his license (they weren’t sure if he kept failing on purpose or not) and was perfectly content with sitting at home, eating, and watching cartoons all day.

18

I have two kids like this. My son is 21 and my daughter is 25 and they both have lived with their mother since the age of 9 and 13 respectively. They do just the absolute barest minimum they can to get by.

My son is a gaming addict and my daughter can’t really seem to get going with anything. Thye both barely graduated high school because they did not do their schoolwork. My son flunked out of community college after 3 semesters of failure (he gamed and never did his schoolwork) and my daughter (to her credit) has slowly eked out enough credits to be junior in college although she has had to re-take almost half her classes due to failing them. When they turned 18 I literally had to walk them both step by step through getting their drivers licenses. Through the reading, the tests, the practice. They would engage none of this on their own. They seemingly really had no real desire to drive, and we live in semi-rural county with a bare minimum of mass transportation. Cars are essential for almost anything.

They are reasonably intelligent, but are relatively immature for their ages. It has gotten to the point that my ex’s parents who support her to the tune of around $500-$1000 a month (she in a dept store retail clerk/salesperson) are going to pull their support if the kids don’t start moving. My son recently got his first job ever (at age 21) at a local restaurant as a host, that is relatively undemanding, and my daughter has not looked for work in the better part of year, and going back to college is off the table since she lost her small grant after her GPA fell below requirements. I put her entire last semester on my credit card and I’m not doing that again.

I have offered whatever help and resources they need to get going, but the cocoon of their mother’s room and board beats anything I can put on the table. I ascribe 90% of this to the fact that my ex refuses to enforce any discipline or requirements with either of them. They are almost (IMO) like human pets to her. She will make angry “you better…” noises but has never enforced a single ultimatum and has stated (out loud) that she “doesn’t want to be the bad guy”.

In talking to them they make all the required “I know I need to xyz” noises, but the instant I am off the phone or out of sight they are back to the comfortable lifestyle to which they have become accustomed. They are not doing drugs, or cutting themselves, or being sexually irresponsible, they just aren’t doing … much of anything. Neither one has any marketable skills. She likes anime and origami and he loves gaming. They are perfectly social if the occasion requires it.

Now what exactly am I to think? I don’t want to think my children are stupid, they are not geniuses, but they quite well spoken, but they just don’t do anything. Anything that happens requires a massive external push which is resisted with every ounce of their beings and every strategy they can put into action. They main one is sleeping until late afternoon, and blowing off appointments. My ex is in very difficult financial straights and my daughter will not make a move to get a job.

I have no power in this scenario. It’s been 10 years now. My ex will keep doing nothing until her last breath. Remember the guys who weigh 600 lbs or more and can’t move. They require a “feeder” and an enabler. She is their feeder. If they, as grown adults, were put on the street to fend for themselves tomorrow they would not have a clue on how to proceed. They would starve to death unless someone sheltered and fed them. They are like adult babies. The odd thing is that will actually work hard at something if it is all laid out for them but anything requiring real initiative is not a going to happen.

Are they retarded? No. Are they physically disabled? No. Are they addicted to hard drugs? No. They just do not want (truly want) to move forward. They are reasonably satisfied with their lifestyle. Begging mom for money to go to Taco Bell is simply the price they pay.

19

As a few others have pointed out, this phenomena isn’t a new thing; I have aunt who recently died, in her mid-60s. She was married briefly in her youth, quickly divorced, and moved back in with her mother, and as far as I know, never moved out. Raised two kids there, occasionally had low-paying jobs, but more or less mooched off her mother until her mother died. Then she was forced to move into subsidized housing when the house was sold. She lived there until she died a few month’s ago.

She was pleasant enough, had no mental or physical illness (other than being massively overweight and a smoker) and was healthy enough to take care of her mother in old age. But yeah, she was lazy as hell.

20

Sometimes parents do this because their hands are tied - like astro - no power.

Sometimes they do it out of guilt. There might be something with this ONE CHILD that your coworker feels guilty about that he is willing to take the blame for, and therefore all the responsibility for the laziness.

Sometimes is hopelessness. They have tried to push, cajole, and nothing works. And the next step, pulling the rug out, is scary.

I have a relative whose son at 19 hadn’t bothered to finish high school. Hadn’t bothered to hold a job. Hadn’t bothered to do much other than hang with his friends. She actually kicked him out and he went to live at the mission for six weeks while he discovered that being homeless and eating out of a soup kitchen wasn’t much fun. He came back and DID IT AGAIN, but the second time it was winter, and it only lasted three days, then they let him move into the garage with a space heater so he wouldn’t freeze. That takes a hell of a lot of courage for a parent to be able to do.