I give you a quote for something that needs to be manufactured to specifications when it is ordered. This is not something they (or we, or anyone who has ever ordered this) has on the shelf. It says on the quote “Delivery 5 weeks min. after receipt of order.” You then wait three weeks to place the order. Please explain how it is the fault of Technical Thingies, Inc. (where I work) that you can’t have it in two weeks.
Today at lunch at the credit union’s ATM. You can take money out of your account. You can put money into your account. You can transfer money between accounts. But if it tells you “Insufficient funds”, there’s nothing you’re going to be able to do here at this machine (which is miles from one of the credit union brick-and-mortar sites.) Trying to withdrawal the same amount of money four times while saying to the machine, “The money is in there - give it to me!” ain’t going to work, Einstein.
People Who Pretend Bodily Secretions, Emanations, (etc.) Do Not Exist - You know the type. Let one fart accidentally slip in an elevator and you get all sorts of lip about how they would never allow such a thing to happen and, in fact, they’ve never actually farted, burped, had smelly armpits or anything like that. Ever. In their lives. As a matter of fact, their bodies and anything that comes out of them smell exactly like a summer breeze through a vast expanse of wildflowers. It is my wish that one day, these people all simultaneously and accidentally shit themselves while trying to discreetly pass gas. Preferably while wearing white pants.
Overprotective Moms and Dads Who Permanently Fuck Up Their Kids - Yes, I know it disturbs you greatly to see your child in any kind of pain. But guess what? A bit of pain here and there is actually pretty damned healthy and it helps your kid learn lessons that will be useful later on. Speaking of lessons, your kid is quickly learning that if he simply cries for 3 seconds, mommy or daddy will immediately show up with a juice box or a cookie or some other sugary treat. So guess what the kid is going to do whenever he wants a sugar fix?
Cheap Disposable Razors - I’m convinced that razor companies deliberately make their disposable razors shitty, so that they can upgrade you to the $48-per-blade Vibrating Quadrophenia model when you accidentally slice off your upper lip with one of their entry-level models. And it’s getting impossible to find any razor that isn’t loaded up with gizmos that nobody needs, like aloe-soaked slime strips, heads housing 34 flexible blades, pivoting heads, comfort-shock grips, racing stripes and all sorts of other crapola. I’m waiting for the day when every razor coming out of the factory comes complete with a preload-adjustable racing suspension. Some of us are looking for the cheap, no frills model that we won’t feel guilty about tossing in the trash when it’s no longer sharp.
And too much trouble to re-record? Man, you’re even lazier than I am. And I’m pretty damn lazy! You hit the record button, say a message, and let go of the button, or hit another button, ro someting similar. Not that hard.
Ragweed. As if regular spring hay fever isn’t enough.
Drivers that aggressively enter traffic in front of you and then accelerate very slowly, forcing you to at least tap the brakes – esp. when there’s a huge gap in traffic right behind you.
The person with the 80’s-style car alarm (the one that runs through a sequence of a half-dozen kinds of sounds) a block away, whose car alarm sometimes goes off in the middle of the night. And why are you so goddamned slow to wake up and shut it off? Are you passed out or on drugs or what?
Churches that advertise with lawn signs, esp. in commercial zones. It’s bad enough to see those for politicians; I shudder to think of the ramifications of this sort of religious-establishment advertising proliferation. I for one am resolved to start stealing and ditching these signs and thus do my part to nip this odious trend in the bud…
DVDs with a list of deleted scenes and no option to “play all”. There’s really no excuse for this oversight, AFAIK.
Most of the gasbag pundits and other personalities on TV, a bunch of whom I can visualize but can’t remember their names just now. Rest assured, though, Nancy Grace is definitely one of them.
Will Ferrell. WF on SNL, WF’s stupid comedies, WF’s stupid face. Dude, you were never funny and even your movie trailers suck. Just go away, man!
I’ve only heard two “single women” rules (and the second one really applies to everyone):
Have a male voice on your message; or say “we” (“hi, you’ve reached xxx-xxxx, but we can’t come to the phone right now”). I’ve never seen the point in either suggestion, but then I’ve only been on my own since '94: maybe there were “incidents” in the past, when single women living on their own were a relatively new phenomenon, and that’s where our moms (or whoever) got the advice.
Don’t ever record a message saying that you’re on vacation (“hi, this is Jenny, I’m in Aruba this week so leave a message!”). You’re not supposed to let the potential burglars know that your house is empty. This one makes more sense to me than the first one, but the only message I ever change is my voicemail at work (“I’m out of the office until x/xx, please leave a message or call xxxx for assistance”).
I’ve never heard that you’re not supposed to say your name/number.
I could pit my boss for a number of reasons ( I don’t hate her, btw, but she is a world-class PITA in many ways), but right now I just need to say that I have it up to here (use your imagination, if you must) with her bitching me out about the brand of cookies I bring to the office on Fridays as a treat for the employees. She is the only one who doesn’t like them, no one else likes the kind she likes, and she just rags on me about it loudly every Friday for the whole office to hear. Sure, I could buy a special extra box of her cookies, I guess, and make the Drama Queen happy, but, I don’t know, why? Just, why?
And I also feel the need to pit my little brother for being such a doofus about something. Tomorrow he is flying out to visit. The only information he has provided is the time and day his flight arrives. So I called to ask him, and got his voice mail. I left a message asking specifically for the carrier and flight number. He called back several days later, when no one was home and left a message saying he was calling to give me the information. Then he goes “it’s, uhhhh…hold on, I thought I had it. I’ll have to call back.” Click. Second message: “It’s me again, here it is: we get in Saturday at 7:40pm.” Click. :mad: Ok, now I’ve e-mailed him at home & at work and requested, once again, the carrier and the flight number. If I don’t get a reply, so help me, I’m going to call him at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow, and keep calling until I get an answer.
I find it pretty unacceptable when I try to pick up a gigolo and he doesn’t take plastic. Seriously, what century are you living in? I just want some hot dong - what, do I have to bring a money order? Or should I bring a bear skin to barter?
More serious pissiness, though - I work on the twelfth floor of the building. It’s the very top floor. Now, I come to expect that the average elevator trip is going to take approximately ten minutes while we stop at every single floor on the way. But you know what? I don’t care how fucking close friends you are with someone who works on another floor. Do not stand in the elevator door after you get off, or hold it open, so you can continue your little chat with your pal who’s still on the elevator. THE GODDAMN ELEVATOR DOOR WHILE OTHERS ARE WAITING INSIDE IT IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE PLACE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION! EXCALIBRE KILL YOU NOW!
I hate this!!! Hey asshole, you let people out of the tiny little room that moves up and down before you shove your selfish ass into the elevator. There is only so much space and it’s full of people.
oh, oh, and then the guy or woman always has the temerity to give other people bad looks because they have to squeeze around them.
I have taken to saying, loudly, “it works a lot better if you let everyone out first!”
OK, what’s up with people who. when you verbally correct them for performing a procedure wrong, they repeat back what you say as you’re saying it, while you’re still talking? This is just so weird, and it’s a thing I’ve only encountered in people that I believe have low-self-esteem, but it drives me buggy.
I do this, dammit! Me and like no one else! It’s a reflex for me - the doors open, you hang back, wait for the elevator to empty, and then get on. We’ve had elevators for a hundred years now! WHY ARE PEOPLE STILL UNABLE TO COPE WITH THEM? EXCALIBRE KILL ELEVATOR JERKS!
And even worse, the kid is learning that the way to cope with the slightest stress or pain is to consume empty calories. This is sending obesity an engraved invitation and sending a stretch limousine to pick it up.
This Stupid. Fucking Crush. There’s more, mostly to do with customers and bitchy coworker politics bust mostly I wish I wasn’t so utterly and pointlessly crushed.
What you said, THespos. Unfortunately, we do have a concept of “Personal Space” in NY: space you take from others by getting in their faces. Get yours, because the other idiot wants to get yours, and if he doesn’t act like an idiot he’s a damn fool.
A particularly NY phenomenon, I think, is the Corner Hugger. This individual sticks as close as possible to the wall or building when walking around corners, the better to surprise and possibly collide with his fellows. The original intent may have been to cut around the more crowded center of the sidewalk or hall, but do it for this reason and you will do it always. There are 80-year-old Brooklyn ladies in my building who will Hug Corners in an empty basement corridor. You want to pick them up and shake them. Then you remember the osteoporosis.
Amazon wish lists. It peeves me no end that you have to change the priority for an item on every wish list it’s on (I have an inclusive “wish list” and then category ones–books, movies, music . . .), instead of changing it on one and having it show up everywhere. Obviously, if you add the same thing to different lists, it winds up as two separate records in their database.
Not only that, but the only way to change your payment method is, apparently, to order an item and tell them you want to change it during checkout. I wanted to know if there was a way to update it without actually having to buy something. I wrote them about this and was sent what had to be a form e-mail back telling me that I could change my payment option when buying something. :smack:
My mini-rant du jour is people who drive in Wrath of God weather like we’re having today with their lights off. We’re having torrential rains today for some reason (we rarely get rain this heavy), and I was driving on our local highway, which is a disaster in good conditions, and people were driving on this death-trap in virtually zero visibilty with their lights off. What kind of thought process prevents people from realizing that if you can’t see anything around you, it might be a good idea to increase your own visibility? Never mind, I answered my own question - they are the only people in the universe, and if they can see, it doesn’t matter if anyone else can see them.
No, and they don’t do that on buses or subways, either. There could be a dozen people lined up waiting to get off and people will still insist on jumping in the second the door opens. People, the driver saw you standing there, he or she is not going to go off and leave you, and it’ll be so much easier to get yourself and your 6 shopping bags and your 3 kids on board if you let everyone else get off first.
Then there are people who insist on confusing the issue by spending their entire trip standing in the subway car door (or the back door on buses). There is only one excuse ever for standing in the door on mass transit, and that is that you are getting off at the next stop. Otherwise, move in. And if there are empty seats, sit down, so people don’t have to squeeze down the aisle past your big bags or big backpack or big ass. (If you won’t sit down, go WAY back so you block as little of the aisle as possible. I do this when I take luggage on the bus.) The seat will not give you cooties. If you’re too precious to sit on a city bus seat, don’t get on a city bus. Or are you one of those people who piss all over public toilet seats rather than sit down?
