Hello. I am the last person in America to get a stimulus check. The last of the checks went out today- mine will go out next Friday. Don’t ever file an amended return.
You left your laptop and iPod out on the table in the 24-hour study room overnight. The study room which anyone who wanders onto campus can walk right into and take, say, unsecured electronics from.
This, first and foremost, is not my problem, so stop yelling at me about it. Take responsibility for your own shit. Secondly, even if it was somehow my problem, what the hell do you want me to do about it? I told you the best thing you can do is go talk to campus security. I told you I really can’t do anything. Why are you still standing here complaining to me?
Hey No Morals Creep Who Stole My Bag at a Waterpark,
What the fuck did you think was in the bag? A blank checkbook? My bank card? A few thousand dollars in cash?
I was gone for fifteen minutes and the bag was half under a blanket and could barely be seen. You got my bra, my panties, my shorts, my top, a half empty bottle of sunscreen and my little daughter’s top, shorts, shoes and the sunglasses she got as a Christmas present from her favorite aunt. Oh and a dollar in change.
My daughter and I had the delight of sitting in a car for an hour in wet suits while mommy explained to her that some people are scum who do bad things to other people.
I hope you’re allergic to the detergent I wash my clothing with. I hope the clothes give you the worst rash of your life. I hope the sunscreen washes off your filthy face five seconds later and leaves you with a sunburn so bad people will point at you and laugh for a week. I hope someone breaks into your house and steals all your Christmas presents for the next ten years. I hope the dollar buys you a tomato coated in ecoli and gives you the worst case of food poisoning anyone ever had.
I hope every single ride you went on today had a line so long you went faint from dehydration. I hope the park overcharged you by twenty bucks on admission. I hope the chlorine in the water turned your hair green. I hope the friction from some of the rides tore off your skin in as many places as possible. I hope you got swimmer’s ear from the water in the pool. I hope you got burned french fries at the food court and didn’t notice you overpaid for the fries. I hope you bought a hamburger at the food court and it was cooked to the consistency of charcoal. I hope the water raft rides slammed you against the walls a dozen times and your glasses fell in the water and broke. I hope you tripped on the way back to your car and got a huge bruise on your knees that hurts like hell anytime you walk.
Most of all I hope you stay home next time, you pathetic, petty, mean asshole.
Aww, have a heart lady.
Buy the dummy a new laptop and Ipod. 
{Deleted due to starting a new thread about this one}
“Bless your heart” is another good Southernism. I always think that “isn’t that special” sounds too much like the Church lady from SNL “Bless your heart” always seems to reduce the recipiant to the level of a somewhat dim-witted child doomed to always fall short of a full picknick.
I’m pretty sure that’s what she might have been angling for, because this girl came into the library to whine about it three separate times yesterday. Each time I got a little bit closer to losing it and telling her that seriously, you had it coming.
(This is all taking place at a very tiny liberal arts college isolated up on a mountain. A number of students are very book-smart people and complete idiots in real life. They think that because campus is generally safe, nothing bad will ever happen, and then feel personally cheated when they do something stupid and need to deal with consequences.)
I didn’t really know where to put this. It didn’t seem appropriate in the thread but I’m not invested enough to make an actual pit thread, so I guess it will go here.
Astro asks a nifty question about intravenous feeding. Qadgop and picunurse explain why it’s a bad idea. Crushed hopes had by all. Auto makes a gratuitous comment and gets modded. Then Qadgop loses his sense of humor and astro gets overly defensive of his OP. Whatever.
It’s just the thing that attracted me to this forum was the wisecracking and irreverence of everyone here. People were snarky and sarcastic and funny. Now, people seem to be sliding toward cranky and it depresses me. So I guess this isn’t so much a minirant as an elegy to what this place used to be. Note: The linked thread is more an example of this trend I’ve noticed. If people want to argue about who’s right or wrong, go ahead but don’t expect me to respond.
Financial Aid office, I know you’re already bruised and battered by all the mud-slinging people do about you. Heal up, because I’m about to sling more mud.
In the email you sent me, you said I have ten days from reciept to send in my appeals form which will be reviewed ten days from submission. I call your prank number, spend 45 minutes on hold listening to the same snippet of horrible “lite” jazz over and over and over and over and over and over again before someone scares the everlasting daylights out of me by answering the phone. Said person says that all the appeals forms will be reviewed August 1.
June 26 + 10 days accounting for holiday = July 11
July 7 (day I faxed in paperwork after trying to speak to someone at the office for a week) + 10 days = July 18
August 1 - July 7 /= 10 days.
Either learn to count or be honest and say you’ll look at the appeals forms whenever you damn well feel like it. Stop teasing me and everyone else at the school by pretending you’ll actually respond to things in a prompt, timely, and halfway civil manner.
Well now that’s just silly. The terminology, not your father.
I pit migraines. Particularly, this damn one of mine. The one that digs behind my eyeballs and nauseates me and ruined my day yesterday. Out of control. I had to take a shot of Imitrex yesterday, and my husband had to get an on-call neurologist to tell him it was OK for me to take a second shot. That left me functioning just enough to be able to make it down the hall to throw up; the rest of the day I spent in bed. I’m seeing the doctor in about an hour and a half and will beg for relief.
One of General Electric’s businesses is software. Among other things, they sell medical record and medical billing software. When I need tech support for this software, I go to the GE website and enter my personal username and password. Then, I have to enter the separate username and password for my company. If I want to peruse the “Knowledge Base” to search for answers before submitting a tech support ticket, I have a third username and password. Kinda dumb, but whatever. What annoys me, though, is that in order to begin this Dance of redundancy, I click a button proudly labeledSingle Sign-On.
Idiots.
Oh look, my suspicions were confirmed.
A thread asking about the progress of free-to-post is shut down with a snotty “We still don’t know anything”.
Don’t consider going to TPTB and asking, or making a thread of your own volition that says “Hey guys, we know you were told July, we still haven’t heard anything but hang tight and we’ll let you know as soon as we know”.
Think we’re going to make it to the end of July without any more news?
I pit job weirdness. I was told in June that I was being let go. I should expect to be terminated in no more than 2 weeks. Well it is going on week 4 and there is still no sign of a pink slip. I have been going on interviews with other companies and applying for jobs in anticipation of getting the ax, but now there is no ax to get it appears.
I am actually disappointed. I cleaned out my desk over the course of a few days and got all my stuff in order for being marched out of the building one day 2 weeks ago. Then I have come in every day since just waiting to be sent home but it never happens. Just fire me already! I want to get my pto/severance payout so I can really devote some time and energy into my job search instead of giving it an hour a day when I get home. I want to stop having to wake up at the crack of dawn to get here on time. I am not quitting though because then I couldn’t draw unemployment if need be, so hurry it up and get on with the firing!
I have this sweet vintage leather jacket. All aged and crinkly and shit. Six years I’ve had it and it’s still got that lovely “new leather” smell. And it looks fucking good, too. Trouble is, whenever I wear it I can guarantee some knob’s gonna be all like “HAHAHAHA!! MATRIX!! FUCKIN’ MATRIX!! LOVE YOUR MATRIX JACKET MATE!! SAY HI TO MORPHEUS FOR ME!”
Har-dee-har-har, you’re a Cunt. That film is ten years old. Those jokes are ten years old, and you’re a moron stuck in 1998 in desperate need of someone to jump into the timewarp and fuckstart your head. My leather jacket has more cool in its hemline than you’ll ever have in your entire life. Suck my balls, random, unfunny fucker.
CS for credit card companies.
Three different numbers to call depending on who/where you look. One answering machine on what is theoretically a 24hr line. A transition that STILL has not been sorted thanks to right-hand-left-hand-itis.
Me: 
:mad:
Paperwork.
And more paperwork.
Gah.
I know starting a new job tends to mean a lot of paperwork, but my eyes are crossing. Isn’t there supposed to be a reduction in paperwork policy in effect? How many pieces of paper are generated for each new employee? 42? 1776? 69,105? How many work comp claims are filed due to papercuts or thrown out backs from lifting all of this paperwork by new employees and the HR people who have to hand them out?
And I still haven’t figured out which health plan to go for. Aetna, Kaiser, BlueCross BlueShield, CareFirst BlueChoice, Don’tCare HighPrice, LowCost WhyBother, etc. Then there’s the choices for the separate vision and dental benefits available.
And the paperwork needed to sign up for them.
Did I mention paperwork already?
Ah well. Truth be told, I’d much rather be facing the gripes of an abundance of paperwork than the dilemma of figuring out how to get around the job hunt catch-22 of experience.
Now someone hand me a wheelbarrow for the paperwork needed for my retirement benefits, please.
<< If everything is coming your way, make sure you aren’t going the wrong way down the expressway. >>
I can’t. You haven’t filled out the proper requisition forms, yet: KMN-2030-Schedule A-Q; and FTW 314.
Don’t worry: we don’t use wheelbarrows for those, though.
The forklift will be delivering them outside your cubicle in about 10 minutes…
ETA: More seriously, congrats on the new job. I hope it works out well for you.
Dear Landlord:
You have known since you bought the building in March that there was a plumbing leak downstairs.
You sent in your half-assed all-purpose handyman, Sergio, to take a look. Other than leaving a hole in the wall behind the kitchen cabinets (lazy ass), he did nothing.
You said he’d be back last week. Then today. Now, you say he’s coming tomorrow.
I call to say that tomorrow before 3.30 is the one time period THE ENTIRE SUMMER when I cannot have anyone in. (Long story, but basically deadline (assigned this morning) + lots of research materials here = need a few quiet hours at home in the morning.)
The answer? “It’s an emergency. We’ve been too accomodating.” Um, excuse me, I have made no demands nor restrictions other than asking for six. fucking. hours. on Tuesday morning. You’ve known about this and ignored it for months. Here’s hoping you won’t show up, as you usually don’t, and apologies to the neighbors downstairs when the floor / ceiling falls in.
(The landlord’s strategy up to now has been to assume that there is no leak, I’m just careless about spilling water all over the place.)
Hey, I never saw the movie. The jacket sounds gorgeous.