I would add nitwits who zip over into a left-turn only lane; then they don’t quite make the light; then when the green arrow comes on, instead of turning left they flip on their right blinker, because now they have to merge back into traffic in the next lane over, and in the meantime I (who have to actually turn left here) have to wait another full cycle of the traffic light to actually turn left. “Oh, gosh, you mean there’s a reason why the other three lanes are bumper to bumper but this lane was magically almost empty? It’s not actually a Special Express Lane for Very Important People Like Me?”
I would also pit all those poor unenlightened heathens who reject our Saviour Joss Whedon, but really I pity them in their spiritual blindness and hope that someday they shall see the light.
Hey Mr. Landlord, the electric account is in your name and I understand why that displeases you. But if you want us to switch it over you will at some point have to return any one of the dozens of messages we’ve left asking you for the bloody account number! If I wind up having to read it off of a disconnection notice there will be trouble.
Meanwhile, the google ads are selling all-region DVD players. Those things creep me out sometimes.
I hate CDs that come in those cardboard cases that are two wide to fit in my CD rack. I’ve got two (the Beatles’White Album and Gomez’sLiquid Skin, and it drives me batshit that I have to keep them on top of my CD tower rather than filed neatly alongside their brothers like nature surely intended.
For my next rant, I would like to pit Hostess and all the fucking snack companies that followed its lead! Why?
Because every few years you increase the contents of the packaging by a small amount and increase the price by a larger amount, and you think we won’t notice because we’re all brainless fucking asshats who will only notice that, “Hey, you get more!” Meanwhile the entire nation is getting fatter and fatter because nobody buys a new larger bag and eats only as much as was in the old smaller bag, because no one wants to waste it and nobody is going to save a dozen or so chips for later. Then, once we’ve become used to the new larger bags such that the old smaller bags seem too small, you go and make them bigger again!. Here’s a tip: We know what you’re doing. Stop trying to hide a fifteen cent hike underneath ten fucking grams of chips. Just hike it by ten cents or whatever and leave it alone!
And while I’m at it I might as well throw a fuck-you at Coca Cola for hiking the price twenty cents while simultaneously reducing your 600ml bottles to 592ml. You made me switch to Pepsi for that.
Oh, it’s incredibly hard when there are no paper towels, because it’s too much work to nip round to the bathroom and grab some.
Better for them to wait for me to come by and replenish the supply in the kitchen. It’s not their job, after all - it must be mine!
I also pit anyone who waits at the right-hand edge of the road to make a right turn. There are cars in front of you. You will not be turning right before the light changes. Hugging the right-hand curb is not going to make your right turn any faster, asshole. You are accomplishing nothing whatsoever except blocking the bike lane. If you were in your proper spot, ie waiting in that line of cars at the stoplight, I could pass by you (in MY lane, ie the bike lane) and get out of your way. As it is, I have to weave in between you and the people who are doing the right thing (ie waiting in YOUR lane), or else wait for traffic to clear in front of you so that you can get out of my lane so that I can proceed on my way. Share the road. Asshole.
I pit the dumbasses who refuse to wear / carry their security badges at work. I may sit closest to the door, but that in no way makes me the fucking “doorman” (okay, door woman). Clip it to your belt loop, stick it in your pocket, wear it around your neck on one of those nifty lanyards they gave you, hell, jam it up your ass if that’s the only way to ensure you have it with you at all times. Every time I hear you knock on the glass door and see your pathetic face smooshed up against it, I just want to hurt you. Bad. Especially you, Mr. General Manager. Nice example; dolt.
Three statisticians went hunting. Pretty soon, a large elk came into view.
The first hunter fired, and missed to the left by a foot. The second hunter fired, and missed to the right by a foot. The third hunter threw down his gun and exclaimed, “We got it!”
I pit paying a couple grand a year in taxes to receive: squat.
No water, no garbage pickup, no paved roads. (No pizza delivery either, but that isn’t a something the township deals with.)
Our roads right now are like driving on a crazed cheese grater. My Suburban has mud up to its windows.
All my pants have mud lines either on the back calf from getting out and forgetting about the mud or on the front thigh, from leaning in the back tail gate to get something.
And last night, being nice and all things considerate, I let some little car continue on our " main dirt road" rather than cut him off.
I should have cut him off as by the time I drove to my friends house with his little car flinging mud behind him ( and I lingered.) I was out of window washing fluid.
Hey, Mr. Driver, what’s with the threats and middle finger yesterday? The tomato-red light on your signal means “don’t move,” while the little white stick figure on my sign means “safe to cross (barring assholes).” I should have known there was a problem when you sat through your entire green light; I assumed it was because you didn’t want to slaughter the jaywalking pedestrians (particularly the big guy with the scary gang tattoos on his shaved head). Apparently you confused us with wildebeests and were trying to pick off any law-abiding stragglers at the end of the herd.
And while we’re at it: you’re not innocent, Mr. Smug Traffic Signal. I pressed the damn button, and you made me wait through three full cycles before giving me the s-t-c (b. a.) sign. If I don’t press the button, you’ll never let me cross. You think I don’t know when you’re lying? I can see the cars moving, I can tell who has the green light.
Tomorrow I’m starting eDiets again (the only diet I’ve ever been successful on). So today, as a big send-off, I decided to finally order that scrumptious-looking Carl’s Jr. jalepeno burger I’ve been seeing commercials for, and drooling over. In the commercials, the thing is absolutely overflowing with jalepenos. I’m not so naive as to think that mine would look like that, but I did, actually, expect more than the THREE FUCKING MEASELY JALEPENOS I got on mine!!! Hello? Hello, flavour?!
Bastards robbed me of my one chance to enjoy a nuclear-spicy, artery-clogging jalepeno burger for at least the next five months. I have no words for what horrible fate I hope befalls each and every one of them. :mad:
1. The assholes who blast their horns at me while I’m in the crosswalk. They recently put up a new light at the crosswalk I have to use to get to work. The parking lot is across a 4-lane busy street from the building, and after a particularly nasty accident in which a woman was hit by a car (three lanes stopped, the car in the fourth lane sailed through and nailed her), someone (DOT?) put up a flasher which pedestrians control. You push the button and the flashing yellow light changes to a steady yellow, then a steady red. Pedestrians get the little white walking man, which is supposed to mean it’s safe to cross. I still have to be careful and pause and look before advancing into each lane. There’ve been a couple of minor fender benders from drivers not looking and slamming into cars that are stopped. What really pisses me off, however; are the drivers who lean on their horn (and occassionally yell obscenities) as I’m crossing the street. Yes, I know it’s a main thoroughfare. Yes, I realize it’s 8:15 in the morning and you’re late for work. IT’S A CROSSWALK, ASSHOLE. I’M ALLOWED TO CROSS HERE. See the red light? You have to stop. It’s 30 seconds. Take a deep breath, hang up the phone and get over yourself.
2. Various people I come into contact with who don’t throw away broken shit, and just put it back with the working stuff. Stop doing this. If it’s broken and can be fixed, send it off to be fixed. If it’s beyond repair, throw it away. When the $5 stapler is broken, throw it away. Don’t put it back on the shelf with the other supplies. When the pen is dry, throw it away. Don’t put it back in the pen cup. Stop putting the broken blood pressure cuffs back in the med bags. Stop putting the glucometer with the bad battery back in the med bag. I took all the broken stuff out and labeled it all “Broken” or “Needs battery” and put it in the appropriate place. You took the labels off and put it all back in the EMS cabinet or back in the med bags. Why on Earth would you do that? IT’S BROKEN! We look like idiots when we try and use broken equipment.
I have done this exactly once. In that case, the person in the crosswalk had seen the light for the cross traffic turn red, and assumed that the Walk sign should come on. However, there’s a left-turn arrow at that intersection, and the Walk sign doesn’t come on until the left-turn arrow is off. I honked at those pedestrians while they were in the crosswalk, because they were crossing against the light. See the orange hand? You have to stop. It’s 30 seconds.
I pit pedestrians who cross against the light and make cars wait for them. I also pit people who, when walking with me, will run for it instead of waiting another light cycle. I don’t like to run, especially when I am wearing flip-flops.
I pit my stomach for being hungry all the time, and making it hard to stick to a diet.
I pit the Iranians, for giving Danish pastries a new, very long, name (maybe it’s shorter in Farsi?). I thought it was silly when it was us renaming french fries “freedom fries”, and I think this is silly now.
I pit the weather, for being really nice early this week when we all had to work, and turning colder in time for this weekend.
In no city i’ve ever been to does this happen more than it does in Baltimore. The drivers in this town apparently believe that pedestrians don’t even have the right to exist, let alone cross the street.
:mad: