ARGH. The first thing that sprang to my mind when I saw the thread title was the woman who stood an inch behind me when I was using the ATM. On my planet, it’s considered polite to stand a few feet away from the machine when it is in use, so that one may type in one’s pin code without worrying that someone is looking at one’s account info over one’s shoulder. But nooo. This lady was having none of that.
So after I completed my transaction, I spun around and bitch-slapped her for crowding my space.
Hi, I’m the representative in Customer Security you’ve been transferred to. Please make note of the following things I am not doing while on the phone with you :
Chewing/popping gum
Belching/coughing/sneezing/hocking mucus. I have a mute button, you have a hand
Breathing directly into the receiver
Attending to personal needs, such as using the toilet
Having a conversation with someone else who is an adult. I understand when a parent calls in and has to tell little Johnny to stop squicking the cat, but can the other conversations please wait the two minutes it will take me to resolve your issue
I just push the red button on my phone that sends a high pitched squeal through the line, exploding the asshole’s skull.
This has been covered before, but . . .
I’m walking to the bus stop one cloudy afternoon when I have to dodge around a vehicle blocking a crosswalk one too many times. This time, I take my long black umbrella and, observing proper fencing form and using perfect point control, ram the tip of it into the tire of the offending vehicle. When the driver looks shocked, I put on an air of total femine innocence which makes it impossible to suspect me of having committed such a horrendous deed. When I get home, I laugh my most evil laugh.
Try wearing a top hat or some other article of clothing that looks out of place. It works wonders because the crazier you look, the more difficult it is to gauge your reaction, and people will be less likely to harass you. I should mention that people are always very polite to me, when they talk to me at all.
Whenever I see those people (the ones speeding down the shoulder), I’ll make it look like I might let them in, then zip up a few feet and close the gap. I hate it when people try to cut ahead like that. One day I’m going to be dragged from my vehicle and beaten.
Oh, and Bad News Baboon, I think maybe I need some buttons. How much for ones with custom printed artwork?
