Found out last night that someone I know lost her pregnancy about 4 weeks ago. She was roughly 5 months pregnant.
I’m not in frequent contact with her and because the relationship is a relaxed business one, I’d no reason to think I should have been told sooner. Her Mom who runs the business where she works ( and who is a client of mine ) told me.
I feel quite badly. Known this woman for 7 years. Seen her get married, have her first 2 kids. I see her once a year but work with her to plan an event on and off through the year.
She doesn’t know her Mom told me. Do I say something, or let it go? I don’t want to drag her back to a condolence call if she’s trying to put it past her, but she might assume I know and haven’t said something.
If you’ve faced this, how have you managed people’s responses? I want to do the right thing…
When my first wife and I had our miscarriage, one of the worst things about it was the slow trickle of condolences (and also well-wishers who hadn’t heard the news asking about the pregnancy). It felt like a scab that kept getting picked at.
I see no reason to say anything to her about it at all. It will only bring up bad feelings. Just move on. She will probably assume you know, even if her mother didn’t already say she told you. That kind of stuff tends to get around.
If it happened just yesterday, then I might send a little note saying, “Sorry for your loss.” But since it’s been 4 weeks, gosh that’s like reopening a wound.
Normally I err on the side of caution, but in this case, I’d let it go.
Five months is not a miscarriage, it’s a still birth, or very close to it. At five months, it would have been a major medical event. I’ve been to funerals for babies lost at that age. I would treat it like a stillbirth and send a note or card. Actually, I’d ask her mom.
When I was pregnant, I thought about how I would handle this if it happened. As soon as I started showing, everyone at work began talking to me about it, most of whom I’ve never talked to before or since. I knew if I miscarried, I’d have to rehash it over and over to a bunch of virtual strangers. So I decided that the best thing would be to let one person know, like my supervisor, and have them notify everyone of what happened, and explain that while I appreciated their concern, I preferred to keep work as a refuge from having to think about it, and did not want to discuss it.
So, if it were me, unless I told you myself, I’d want you to not say anything, even if you did know, and even if I knew you knew. I certainly won’t presume to speak for everyone, and it’s entirely possible she would be comforted by your condolences, but it seems like it’s much better to err on the side of caution in this case. If you really feel like you ought to say something, though, I would say you should ask the mom to pass on your condolences to her privately, if she feels her daughter would appreciate them. That way, even if mom misjudges and her daughter is hurt and embarrassed that you know, she can handle it in private and be reassured that you won’t bring it up with her directly.
Not me. I celebrate all miscarriages. Muahahaha.
Seriously though, Rachellelogram is 100% on the money. If she brings it up then you should show empathy/sympathy, but otherwise keep your mouth shut about it!
There’s also the old standard “How are you doing?” which with the correct tone and emphasis on “you” will clue her in that you know what happened and are offering your sympathy obliquely.
Your gut is right. Until/if she tells you herself, not a word. If she wants to talk about it she’ll do it in her own time. If she asks you whether you heard, be honest and then offer your condolences. There’s just no way that you can approach this cold w/o causing her discomfort and I know you don’t want to do that.
Even 10 months later, I’ll get a PM from the surrogacy message board I belong to from someone telling me they’re sorry to hear about our surrogate’s m/c and it sucks me right back in to those painful days.
My standard response to a miscarriage is “I’m sorry to hear of your loss. Please accept my condolences.” and that’s it unless clearly invited to discuss the matter further.
Well, at 5 months it’s a big deal, but I’d say an early miscarriage is a much, much lesser event than losing someone you actually know, rather than just someone you were hoping to get to know. And I have had one. I’d far rather have 50 miscarriages than lose my kid or any other close family member. (Obviously that’s not the kind of thing I’d say to someone who just had one, but I’m just saying.)
there are certain losses that society tends not to recognize or validate as much…this is called disenfranchised grief. society tends not to validate the loss ofmiscarriage, thisisonef thetypes ofdisenfranchised grief. It can be more painful for a lossto. notbe recognized or validated bya simple offer of condolence,…therefroe i would recommend a simple heartfelt message of condilence. People think that by offeringcondolence, they will ‘remind’ the lersn of their loss…it doesnt remind them, they already are well aware. what is does do though is affirm to the person that their loss isvery much recognized, validatedand sympathized with. Disenfranchised grief, where. a loss such as miscarriage is not validated as being as imrtant or real to the person often causes more pain.
