Mistakes I have observed in child rearing

In My Humble Opinion
21

That one and the rewarding negative behaviour one. Also, “shut up darling” followed years later by “she never tells us anything!”
My nephew got Christmas presents twice: on the night of the 24th from the Shepherds, and on the night of the 5th from the Three Wise Kings.

His parents overdo the “you’re being bad.” On the 25th, having gone to bed at 3am, he overturned a plastic cup with some water in it, barely enough to wet his napkin. His parents started the “oh you’re being so bad, how can you be so bad, if you’re bad the Three Wise Kings won’t bring you anything, you know there’s little birds that tell them whether you’re bad” spiel.

The Kidlet said “they must be asleep, those birds! Or on vacation!”

:confused: “Uhh… why?”

“Cos I was bad the other day too an’ yestaday I gotta lotta p’ezentz!”

His pronunciation may not be very good yet but his logic is juuuust fine, yessir.

22

Oh gods yes! The broader rule I’ve always tried to implement that encompasses this is: don’t make threats you’re not willing to carry out!

23

Letting my kids develop a taste for white bread. If I had managed healthier meals when they were toddlers, they’d eat them now. And my kid’s aren’t bad because we did have them drink milk, eat vegetables, eat salad. But white bread and sugar…

We laughed at my son when he had his only tantrum. My daughter - we laughed at her, tantrumed with her, video taped her, hauled her bodily out of stores and restaurants - her emotional regulator took a few years to develop. And it wasn’t us giving in - she just had a really easy time getting worked up and a really hard time calming down.

24

Sunrazor’s Two Lessons for Child Rearing:

  1. Make sure that, at the end of every single contact with your child, she knows you love her. A hug, a word, even a look is all it takes. It won’t make her less rebellious, smarter, funnier, prettier or even better. It will, however, give her someone to turn to when there is no where else to turn, and that is the ultimate task of being a parent.

  2. Never make promises you can’t or won’t keep, and that includes – perhaps even especially includes – dire consequences for inappropriate behavior. If your child knows he can trust you, absolutely and predictably, he will feel safe in following your guidance. He won’t always want to feel safe, of course, but when he does, you will have provided the safety.

Everything else is just having fun. If your child causes you unbounded joy, for heaven’s sake, express it! If she causes you soul-searing anguish, let her know. Don’t hide your feelings, and don’t second-guess or over-think your relationship with your kid. You’re both human, and there are intense emotions at play in raising children. Experience all of them.

Raising children is like riding a roller coaster: It’s fun, exciting, and terrifying – and over with way too soon.

25

Don’t make a scene over every small boo-boo

The scene (fit for the BPD thread); 2.5 year old child runs straight at me (the guest) and slugs me in the groin. Kid slams bodily into my leg and my natural reaction knocks him backwards on his ass. Kid looks at mom, has no reaction so far. Instead of simply walking over, grabbing the kid and telling him ‘no’ (which is what I expected), mom completely flips out and screams at me for ‘kicking’ the child.

Kid breaks down screaming and crying inconsolably.

Well, besides the error of verbally assaulting a guest with a false accusation, the lesson I saw was that the kid wasn’t in any way, shape or form hurt or bothered by bouncing off my leg and landing on his ass. If the parent had acted appropriately, the kid might have cried at being yelled at by mommy, but wouldn’t have been TRAUMATIZED by the entire situation.
Put the damned kid to bed

Same parents, same kid, same time frame.

It is 11:10pm and the kid is still up, throwing a tantrum. Slugs me in the leg, slugs daddy in the leg, throws a toy and the piano. Mommy is getting angry at myself and dad that we’re even noticing that the kid is fussing. I very innocently suggest that he’s probably tired and maybe they should put him to bed.

Dad sneers and snorts "He’ll just cry.

Me (innocently asking): “so?”

What followed was an extremely offensive lecture from both parents, particularly mommy, about how they knew everything they needed to know about how to raise their kid, how I knew nothing about small children, and how they therefore never wanted to hear another word from me about how to raise their kid.

That was Friday night. Monday morning daddy calls me at work at 10am (personal calls being a no-no) and the first words out of his mouth are to complain about how he just got to work 3 hours late because the kid refused to go to bed the night before.

At which point he got a few hot words from me about how they insultingly lectured me a few nights before and if they didn’t want to hear anything from me on the subject, then I didn’t want to hear anything from them about how they were too goddamned stupid to put a two year old to bed.

The next week the kid had a bed time. But it was another year before they actually made any attempt to keep him in bed at that time.
If you recognize yourself in these stories, you’re making a huge mistake with your kid.

26

Oh, I know!! I’ve always been flabbergasted by parents who make statements like “Oh, I wish (insert name of kid here) would go to bed at 9:30 like your kids do! My kids won’t go to bed until at least 11!” Ummmm, hello? Who’s the grown-up in your house? You know, ‘grown-up’? The person who’s supposed to be in charge? You can’t make a kid go to sleep, but you can damned well make her go to bed! Oh, and if you wish to lecture me about how your household is a democracy, fine, do what works for you. But don’t come crying on my shoulder when your kid turns out to be a self-entitled spoiled little brat!

I’ve told my kids many times over the years “This is not a democracy. Your father and I are in charge. If I ask for your opinion, I’ll take it into consideration, but you do not get an equal vote”.

When my youngest turned 8, she came to me and explained why, since she was getting older, she thought she should get a raise in her allowance. She didn’t whine/beg/cry/insist/throw a tantrum. Her reasoning was well-thought-out and calmly presented. She got a raise in her allowance.

My number one parenting rule is just this: Bad behavior will never get you what you want.

27

Chimera My daughter doesn’t have a bed time but that’s because she will run and get into bed when she is tired. If she is acting like that kid you are talking about though we will put her into bed, usually she’s happy about it, sometimes she’ll cry. I think we made a point of it early on so now its no real issue. We let it happen organically, but that works just fine for her, she likes her bed, she was super excited when she got a toddler bed.

Aspidistra We sort of do that one with my daughter but it’s not so much a threat as. “Bye see ya later” and then start walking. Usually she’ll come. It’s become ineffective so we’re not really doing it anymore.

28

This got me in trouble with my ex’s sister (deservedly). If a small child does something inappropriate (in this case it was her 4yo daughter saying “damn”), no matter how amusing it is, DON’T LAUGH. It will only encourage the child to do it over and over and over again. I wasn’t trying to encourage her. It just cracked me up when she knocked her dollhouse over and said “Well, damn”.

29

I used to work with a lady who would come in complaining how tired she was because she had to lie on the couch with her daughter all night. Apparently, her four or five year old daughter would only go to bed at night on the couch in the living room, with cartoons on the TV.

One of my parenting mistakes so far: I wish I had given the kids chores all along, starting at about age three and having it remain a constant thereafter. Now they are twelve and seventeen, and seem to think they should at least be publicly praised for everything they do. They also need a lot of direction because they don’t see what needs doing.

30

I told Hallkids all the time when they were young, “This is not a democracy, this is a monarchy and I’m the Queen and I rule.” So many times I wanted to add, “Now off with your heads!”, but somehow managed to restrain myself.

I got nuthin’ to add to all the good advice that’s been presented here. Bedtime? Check. Mean what you say and say what you mean? Check. Have fun? Check. Dinner time with table manners? Check.

Except maybe, don’t publicly embarass your kid, regardless of their behavior or age. (This includes screaming, cussing, slapping/hitting/spanking, etc.) It just makes you look like a total fool and destroys the kids self esteem over time.

31

Yeah we get our 21 month old to help pick things up.

32

Also, when a small child says that s/he has to go to the bathroom, TAKE A POTTY BREAK. Especially if you’re in a store. Small children have small bladders. If you suspect that little Bobby or Sally is abusing your potty policy, then restrict fluids before an expedition, explaining that since s/he has so many problems holding it, then you’re not going to provide that sugary soda beforehand. You’ll provide plain boring water in reasonable quantities. And no, Little Darling does NOT need to carry a cup of syrup around. Neither do you, unless you have a medical problem.

Another problem I frequently see is parents asking their precious children if they’d LIKE to do something, when in fact the parent has already decided a course of action. Don’t say “Junior, would you like to leave now?” or “Would you like to put that toy back and leave?” Say “It’s time to leave. Put that toy down, we’re going.” For that matter, I don’t like kids treating store merchandise as toys to be played with. Sure, it’s fun…but kids need to learn not to play with stuff that’s NOT THEIRS, and isn’t intended to be played with until it’s purchased.

Kids need to learn that they need to be able to be still and quiet in some situations. Life is not fun all the time, and they need to learn how to be quietly bored now and then.

33

I think the easiest and most common error I see for kids as they get older is not paying attention to them until they are completely out of hand, then getting angry. This sets up a cycle in which kids know that they are not getting your attention until they are, well, entirely out of hand. I usually make this error when I am tired or otherwise busy; the time I save by ignoring the restive rumblings of trouble coming is generally lost again by the explosion which follows.

My own bane is with my child who is most like me in temperament: we fall easily into a power struggle in which each escalates in turn, setting off a spiral of anger all out of proportion to the actual problem. I realize I am the adult and am supposed to know better but I cannot say that I always remember that when I should. We are working on it, it’s getting better.

With my elder child (who has a language disorder) my greatest mistake so far was in being so happy he was expressing himself at all that I failed to enforce the usual niceties of communication, which bought me about a year of back-and-fill work on politeness. He is now very polite* but for a while there he really was not and it was clearly my fault.

With my youngest child my greatest repeated error was and still is forgetting that although he is astonishingly capable, he is not aware of that and is sometimes afraid of doing things even when he can. My other greatest error with him is I suppose not really knowing how to deal with that.

*though mouthy by American standards; restrained by Dutch standards – I cannot find that magic line no matter how hard I try. I have finally resorted to saying to my kids that just as the language is different and the food is different, the rules about how you talk to people are, too, and that seems to work better

34

My first job right out of high school was at a discount variety store. I worked in the toy/garden department. I was appalled at how many mothers would bring their little darlings to the toy department and tell them “Now you play here while Mommy shops”. :eek:

35

Heh, my second kid has always watched us like a hawk. The moment we get up to leave, he comes running without a word from us.

36

Sing it, sister. I hate that. I hated it as a child and I hate it now. If I ask my kids’opinion, they may be certain that their opinion will play a part in the decision. If I tell them what we are doing, they may be sure that their opinion is not solicited. Eldest had a teacher in preschool who asked him if he would like to stop playing with the Lego and clean up his desk. He allowed as how he would not. This was explained to me as defiant behavior. I asked her to try just telling him to stop with the Lego and go clean up and to her surprise he did it.

Though at that point I did explain to him that sometimes people ask a question just to be polite when it is really an instruction.

37

I’ll move Spike to a carpeted area, so he doesn’t hurt himself, the tell him to “Rock on with your bad self.”

The tantrums got a little worse for a while, but they’re getting better. (He’s 19 months now.)

38

For a tantrum for not getting something you want, I agree with you. But as a corollary, treating all tantrums as bad behavior to be punished is also a mistake it seems to me, and (if people ar eto be believed) another common one.

39

Good eating habits. They need to be instilled earlier than you think. The Small One’s 3 years, 3 months and already she wants nothing but treats, and we’re making a conscious effort to get her eating more fruits, vegetables, and grains.

40

Two of my nephews were going to have a sleepover with our two kids a couple of weeks ago. While discussing it on the phone with my wife, their mother mentioned that there might be a problem because one of the boys usually stays up late. “He’s a night owl”, says the mom. My wife’s reponse was, “Not at my house”. Then the mom says that he sometimes needs to “talk about his fears at bedtime”. “Not at my house”.

The mom canceled the sleepover a couple of hours before it was to have started. My kids were very disappointed, but at least her son didn’t have to sleep somewhere he wouldn’t be coddled like a baby. The mom is some kind of psychologist, but she fails to see that the kid is playing her.