Don’t kill yourself about this. 25 years ago we did it the “right” way for our daughter, and she often stopped using the word for a while. They are experimenting with words, and will get them eventually.
The reason this may rub parents the wrong way is that it sounds like it is coming from some super strict expert. There is no reason you can’t do both roles. People don’t need to let their best friends walk all over them either, do they? There are times to be flexible, and times to be strict (like in public) but there are also times to get down on the ground and play with your kids. They are going to grow up, and I’m glad we’ve been able to migrate to more of a friendly relationship now that they are independent.
I definitely agree with the poster who said you don’t know anything until you have two kids. a parent with one kid thinks he’s got it all figured out (just like the person with none) but when the second one comes, with a totally different personality, you discover you didn’t actually know anything. It is a matter of thousands of small decisions. We found that the parenting books for birth to one year old were pretty useful, but the ones for after that had nothing to do with our kids.
It’s not just parenting. My wife’s best friend stayed unmarried for a long time, and used to give my wife advice about how to be a successful spouse. She finally got married at 45 - and promptly shut up. 
Our biggest mistake with the first one was to keep on doing things that worked, even if it was a pain. Our oldest would only go to bed when she was under one if I patted her bottom and sang to her. Her crib was in a walk in closet, and if I stepped on a squeaky floorboard while leaving I was in for another ten minutes of singing. Our youngest got no such attention, since we were too busy, and managed to go to sleep just fine. A few nights of the older one crying herself to sleep would have saved me tons of patting.
As for other people’s mistakes, I can’t stand parents who let their kids run around in a public place like a restaurant or theater, and who just talk to them without doing anything. My kids never got more than a foot away since I couldn’t stand them inconveniencing someone else. In this case actions speak a lot louder than words.
And the reverse, don’t overwhelm them with more information than they’re looking for. IANAP, but, my little sister (adopted) is 30 years my junior, and I’ve told her she can always ask me anything and I’ll give her an honest answer (in the hopes that if she has a question she’s not comfortable asking mom about, she’ll ask me.) But I answer her immediate question, and then say, “Do you want me to tell you more about that, or is that what you wanted for now? Because there’s more, but I don’t want to overwhelm you.” She’ll either ask more, or not, as the case may be, but she seems pretty comfortable, so far, discussing sex or menstruation or whatever topic, knowing I won’t tell her more than she feels ready to know.
I try very hard never to do this. If it’s a question of something that the kid wants from the parent, I’d never interfere. If it’s a question of something that the parent is forbidding because they are guests in my home - say, pulling pillows off the couch and building a fort with them - that I don’t care a whit about, I am conflicted. I don’t care if the kid builds forts with my pillows, but I don’t want to undermine the parent. My solution is to wait until the kid is out of earshot and say, “You know, I don’t care about pillow forts, so if you’re trying to avoid offending me, tell Junior to have at it. But if you’re trying to abolish fort-building behavior, I totally understand.”
Is that right? (I’m a parent, but only for four 1/2 months. He’s not building forts yet.)
As far as I’m concerned, that’s exactly right. You let the parents set the boundaries and you let them know what yours are, or aren’t. And you didn’t do it in front of the kids, so no conflict. Good for you.
One of the best phrases non-parents can learn is, “if it’s okay with Mommy or Daddy.”
The biggest child rearing error I know is allowing screaming. I’ve never understood parents who let their children scream when there’s no reason to. I don’t mean infants- babies are going to cry, and it means something, because they don’t have words yet. I mean actual children who scream for no reason while playing. My mother’s rule was “Don’t scream unless you’re bleeding” and it worked- if we screamed, she knew something was wrong. The moral of The Boy Who Cried Wolf was a big deal for us.
My neighbors/cousins up the hill don’t have this rule, and apparently never read the fable. One fine summery day, the younger son, a notorious screamer, was locked in the garage by his big brother, who couldn’t take the noise anymore. Nobody noticed because his screams to be let out sounded just like his screams of happiness or playfulness or whatever it was, and the boys were allowed to play in the garage so it wasn’t uncommon for them to be out-of-sight. I think someone finally figured it out at lunch time. Luckily, he learned his lesson, but if his parents had told him not to scream, he’d never have been locked in the garage to begin with.
Even worse are the neighbors north of us: they often have 8 or 10 kids out in the yard- I think it’s a rotating community day care thing- and half of them are likely to be screaming at any given moment. Or yelling at our cows. Or mooing at them. But the screaming is the worst. I’m convinced that one day, a kid is going to get really badly hurt over there and no one will pay attention to the screams.
The worst I’ve ever seen is a parent trying to be a best friend, rather than a parent. My husband’s ex-wife is a great buddy to their 2 daughters, and they like to party together and hang out, and their mother let their boyfriends move in when the girls were about 15-16. Woo-hoo, Mom is fun!
Now one teenaged girl is about to deliver her first child, while she and her late-20-something boyfriend live with her mother. The other girl is on very thin ice, and about to be homeless, unless her mother agrees to take her back.
I love my kids, but I don’t want to be their best friend. I’m the Mom. We can have fun, but my word rules in this house.
I am not a parent, and although I’ve done child care and camp counselling I know it’s not the same thing at all, but I’m going to put in my two cents anyway. =^.^=
Your kids take their cues from you. If you stay calm and don’t overact to everything, they won’t either. You’re the adult, you can’t freak out over every bug and tiny scrape. You’re supposed to look like you’re in charge.
If you plan ahead and stay on time, they’ll learn to do the same. If you put things away, they’ll learn to. At camp we’d have two groups in one cabin. I had one partner who’d let the kids make the place a total mess - just a carpet of clothes. I had the kids put things away (as much as possible) when they were done (and enforced cabin clean-up time). We were always on time, they were always late. We had similar kids overall, but I stayed to the schedule and started the kids moving ahead of time instead of right at time. (I won’t pretend I was anything like a great counselor. I’m sure some of my girls have thought I was a giant bitch… not that that is necessarily a bad thing. I always told my mom she was mean, but I meant it in a good way.)
One of the best things I learned at camp is to try to always put instructions in positive terms. Y’know ‘walk’ rather than ‘don’t run’ sort of thing. I don’t know that the kids listened any better, but at least you didn’t end up feeling as negative.
One more example from camp. I wasn’t a counselor that year (well, I quit counselling after a few years. Like I said, I won’t pretend I was great at it). There was one little boy who I think was there for the first time. He didn’t want to eat - apparently at home he had a very limited menu that he’d eat from. And he was homesick. His counsellor just kept listing off things he could eat and offering him a choice. I wanted to shake him - the kid was probably in second grade. Don’t give him so many choices! Give him three and tell him he has to choice one. You’re just overwhelming him. It’s that whole you’re the boss thing again…
Yep. I figure, in their lifetimes, my kids will have hundreds, or even thousands of chances to have ‘best friends’, but they only have one shot at having a mother, and I’m it. I can be friendly with my kids. I can and do ‘hang out’ with them. But if there’s a choice to be made between being their buddy and being their mom, I’m going to choose being their mom every time!
Often true. But you can’t bank on it. My husband and I shower and put on clean clothes every day. We wear deodorant every day. We brush our teeth every day. We arrive places on time and do what we say we’re going to do. But our oldest daughter has never followed our examples. She has borderline personality disorder, and is very inclined to take the path of least resistance. You can set all the good examples you want, but there’s no guarantee that all of your kids are going to pick up on them.
As for overreacting (which neither of us does very often; I occasionally do, in the grips of menopause, heh), if she sees a water bug on the floor, she will gasp like she just saw someone getting their head cut off. Just about gives me heart failure. I’ve started telling her I’m going to smack her upside the head every time she gasps like that over something totally inconsequential. 
I’m sorry, I haven’t read the whole thread. And I have no kids. But today I saw:
A woman, shopping by herself with an infant (less than two - I’m bad at telling the age). He was in a stroller and in between bawling he was coughing.
Kids get tired easier than you. They also get sick easier. The two together suck. Imagine if your significant other dragged you around on three hours of sleep with the flu. That’s how kids feel! Get the hell out of the store if you’re just browsing!
This is very true, but I would add the happy note that if you’re a good mom/parent first rather than a friend to your kids, by the time they’re adults they’ll be your friend anyway. Again my mother raised me as a parent but always tried to be friendly and positive with me (didn’t always work but that’s the lasting memory I have from my childhood) and we’re great friends now because I like her as a person, not because she constantly indulged me.
Along these same lines: a couple of weeks ago in the grocery store, there was a woman carrying a very young child, maybe 18 months old (once you have kids, you strangely get pretty good at pegging the age of very young children. . .) and she was saying to him, in a bright, upbeat voice: “And why doesn’t your gramma have you at her house today? Because gramma’s a good-for-nothing drunk, that’s why!” And I was thinking, geez, lady, I hope you’re prepared to pay for that kids therapy in a few years. I mean, seriously, who the hell says this kind of stuff to a little kid? Does she just assume that just because he’s not completely verbal yet, he doesn’t understand what she’s saying to him? Does she just not give a damn? Yikes.
Yeah, I can see that. My 17YO daughter and I are becoming more friend-like as the years are going by, even though I still don’t hesitate to tell her when her behavior is out of line or unacceptable (which isn’t often; she’s a remarkably level-headed teenager!)
I should have clarified. We have the concepts established of “family” and “company” behavior so that he knows some things we discuss are not to be shared outside of his father and I, and some things that he does at home are not to be done when in company. He sniffs the milk if the date on the jug is within the week, because I’m this kind of person, but he also used to sniff at food at a restaurant or Grandma’s or if he thought he may not like it. Now he takes a bite and if he doesn’t like it, it’s “no, thank you.” Not polite to do in company.
Usually a child will give you a pretty obvious clue that they’re done listening to you. When he starts discussing Bakugan, I know my window’s closed. 
Oh, and this one’s for the grandparents: Quit giving the kids things you know we don’t want him to have. You bitched about grandma when we were little, so please don’t turn into her and start undermining us.
I don’t know if these have been mentioned before–I’ve read the thread over several sittings.
<climbing on soap box>
First, I see many parents taking the whole thing way too seriously. Do your best, love and guide your children, be honest with them, and relax. Yes, you will make “mistakes.” Lots of them. But children are remarkably resillient. And for every mistake we try to avoid (don’t start potty training too early) there is an offsetting error in the opposite direction (waiting too long). None of us can find that perfect middle ground all the time. Our parents all made mistakes and somehow most of us muddled through to adulthood.
Second, I see parents (especially of pre-teen and teenagers) setting unreasonable standards for their children. Even we adults don’t always pick up all our toys. We sometimes hand in an assignment late. We sometimes lip off when we shouldn’t. It’s important, of course, to establish good habits, be civil to each other, and keep each other informed of our where abouts. But it is not a crisis if your child occasionally forgets to brush her teeth, skips practicing the flute, fails a spelling test, or even gets home a few minutes late. Especially as they get into their teenage years, don’t expect them to be perfect. You aren’t. They aren’t. Relax.
Finally, I see parents who are afraid to back down or apologize. An honest apology to your child builds trust and love. A parent who can say “Honey, I spoke in anger and my response to your irresponsible behavior was way overboard. Can we figure out something more reasonable?” is (IMHO) building a better relationship with their child that one who sticks to a totally off-the-wall threat or punishment made in the heat of the moment. Sure, it would be better not to set the irrational punishment (you’re grounded 6 months). But that’s what an apology is all about–admitting you made a mistake and correcting it.
<getting down off soap box>
Not for nothing, I’m rather new at this. My daughter is only 3.
I make sure I tell her I love her every single day. A great big hug along with it. I’m also careful not to accuse her of being something. I was told so many times that I was a “selfish, inconsiderate lazy bitch,” I hear it in my head at age 40. I also tell her how much I wanted her and how excited I was that she was mine. I was told far too often what a pain in the ass baby I was, how my birth was the worst experience of my mothers life, etc.
Even today, when she went napless. Rather than get irritated, I had my husband deal with her while I escaped to the laundry. What did she do the whole time? Where’s Mama? Where’s Mama?
We’ve been going through an extremely rough time lately, unfortunately, she sees evidence of it although we are trying not to let it affect her. The worst part is the time it takes away from her and the attention. She has to take a back seat right now, but hopefully not longer. I just got the call we got a contract on our house.
Hug your kids folks. Tell them you really do love them. Tell them they are good, even if their actions are bad.
My mom could tell you that setting a good example isn’t always enough. And I don’t have any excuse.
Agree 100%, again that’s the approach my mother took and I think it’s been one of the main factors of me ending up being a confident, contented person.
Like the comment that parents should not make threats that they are not prepared to carry out, I think that consequences should be named before they are enforced. What I mean is, don’t take something away unless you have warned about it. “Well, we were going to go out to lunch, but since you’ve behaved badly, now we won’t” doesn’t seem fair to me if the kid never knew that a lunch out was on the table.
(That doesn’t mean that you should take a kid who is behaving badly out to lunch, but to throw it in their face like that doesn’t work for me.)
Saw a sign in a small store, “Children left unattended will be caught and sold as slaves.” This is just a little reminder to “those” parents that not only is it annoying to others when you let your children run loose, it can also be very danderous.