When are you getting married? Aren’t you going to be moving out anyway, or is (god forbid) your fiancee moving into your mother’s house with you?
Wow. I am truly astonished and ever so grateful for the amount of support I have found on this board. I guess I’ve been so brainwashed by my family that I actually expected responses more along the line of what they tell me all the time - she’s your mother; she sacrificed so much to have you, so now it’s your turn to take care of her when she needs it.
Before I respond to any one post, first some more back-story.
Mom’s in her very early fifties. Back in January, we were working to get her into a rehab facility to work on her back. Before we could get her in though, she suffered a cut on her leg that required stitches, got infected, and wouldn’t heal. So I took her to the hospital, which admitted her. They got her leg fixed up but couldn’t send her home due to the myriad other health issues. So they sent her to a nursing home. The goal there was not to keep her long-term, but to rehab her well enough so that she could function at home. She did daily physical therapy, had a strict diet (lost over 30 pounds in just over a month), and was pretty well taken care of. Toward the end of her stay, Mom seemed stuck rehab-wise. She was in almost constant pain due to the leg cramps and eventually refused to continue PT, which was mainly walking. Once her insurance found this out, they refused to keep paying for what should have been rehab but had become her just laying there. So she was sent home. That first week was horrible. She literally could not lift her own legs to get in and out of bed on her own. Any time she had to use the commode, someone had to pick up her legs for her.
A few days after coming home, we had a nurse come in. She was great, a real no-nonsense, tell it like it is kind of person. We still have her every few days to check on meds and such. In addition, we finally got a home health aid to come in during the week from 10-6 while I’m at work. This has been a true Godsend. Prior to the aid, I was frantically sending out emails and making phone calls to find what amounted to baby-sitters for Mom. We always managed to make it work out somehow, but it was still rough.
So now I’m alone with Mom just about every night. My sister works most nights and weekends, so it’s just me when she’s not around.
This is so 100% the truth. They have actually told me that they cannot step in to help because they have their own families (husband, kids) to take care of. I only have Mom and my fiance, so it shouldn’t be a burden for me to take care of that family. Apparently my relationship with my fiance doesn’t matter to them. It doesn’t require any maintenance. BS!
We’ve (sort of) tried the nursing home route already and that got us nowhere. Granted, that was in a rehab type setting, so hopefully a long-term setting will work out better.
As for her diet… When she was strictly watched in the nursing home, she did great, losing more than 30 pounds. At home though, she just finds people to bring her food. She will con them into believing that she never ate lunch and they’ll bring food to her. I finally convinced one of her older friends to stop bringing her ice cream sundaes every time she comes over!!
You have assumed correctly, my friend. It’s been this way in one form or another since Dad left 20 years ago. It’s hard to escape a situation when it’s all you’ve ever known. I didn’t even know what a normal family was like until middle school when I would go over my friends’ houses and they would just hangout after school and goof around. I thought it was so weird to not have to run around doing everything for your mother.
My fiancé has been amazing through all this. He does what he can, but it’s tough because he has never had to deal with a situation remotely like mine. His childhood was as Leave it to Beaver perfect as you can get. He wants me to leave, but I don’t really have anywhere to go other than his parents’ house (where he is now to save money). We’re still saving for that house, but it’s looking pretty grimm with the market and interest rates being what they are right now.
Mom is on government health insurance, but I’m not sure which one, and disability (SSI).
I’m not sure what she eats when I’m not there, since it’s the home health aid there now. It’s impossible to tell how much she weighs now. She was last weighed at the nursing home on a special bariatric bed. I’m certain that it has gone up since the only time she really leaves her bed is to pee.
We’re getting married in June of next year. We’re looking for a house, but it’s so tough right now. We’ve got about 20 grand saved and are still struggling to find something we can afford. There’s no way in hell he’d ever move in with Mom. I would be signing a death sentence for our relationship. If we don’t find something soon, I’m really going to push the idea of an apartment, if only so we have something concrete to threaten the family with.
Try this for the diet…write everything down. Have the nurse write down what she gives your mom, and you write down what you give her. No one else gives her food without checking the Meal List.
Second on the writing down meal thing and Fortieth on the gradually separate yourself completely thing. Your life is way too short to be dealing with that for 24 years (a third or fourth of it)…It does appear that the only thing that will really cause her to change is the realization that she won’t be able to make you take full responsibility for her anymore. Good luck.
I really like the idea of writing everything down. I’ll bring it up to her aide the next time we talk. Unfortunately, I think she won’t be as vigilant about it as I’d like and much of what Mom eats will still go undocumented. Still, it’s something.
I also wanted to pop in to comment about the ads. They are all currently for anti-stress clinics and/or medication. Boy are these ads dead-on! 
Amazing. And freaking terrible. Ask yourself why you think you owe your mother anything at all. Because from where I’m standing, it looks like you owe her precisely zip, and she’d be better off having to do something for herself for once.
It’s hard hating someone you love.
I think the important thing to remember is that she’s the way she is by choice. She could choose to eat less; she could choose to live a healthier lifestyle. Even if you believe in mental illness, she could still choose to accept treatment. My mother is an alcoholic–I know how hard it can be to love someone who makes bad choices and fucks up your life. But ultimately there’s nothing you can ethically do to make her change.
I don’t think you should “walk out on her” or otherwise abandon her. She’s still your mother, a hurting woman, and someone you love. But balance those feelings and responsibilities with your right to live your life and make your own choices. The next time she calls you into her room or makes a major imposition on her, refuse. No matter how she reacts, don’t be angry or spiteful–just try and communicate with her as honestly as you can. Let her know that you love her, but can’t continue to support her as you have been. If you want to move out, move out–but still do what you can for her, within reason.
If you’re not strong enough to do that and enforce limits with her (and it’s really hard so you may not be), then completely cutting yourself off from her may be the best choice. But if you’ve stuck with her this far, and care for her as deeply as it seems you must, then that choice will tear you up.
I would ask the HH Nurse when was the last time your mom was completely assessed re skin integrity and possible ulcers/wounds. Someone that big often has skin breakdown in the folds of fat. Dead skin sloughs off and since they lack dexterity and long enough arms, that slough acts as a an irritant to the skin folds. Over time, this can lead to rashes, and breakdown. I see 500+ people about 3 times a year (usually they’re about 450-it’s rare to get a 500 pounder), and every single one of them has some kind of skin yeast infection or similiar. Perhaps she has some cellulitis of the legs. I can’t believe she doesn’t have some sort of respiratory compromise as well.
That might be enough to get her admitted to a care facility and from there, referrals can be made to skilled nursing/rehab/mental health etc.
I feel for you–no one should have to give up their lives for anyone else’s dysfunctionality. I don’t care that she gave you life–you didn’t ask to be born, for god’s sake. :rolleyes: How convenient for the family that you are there and have been sucking it up for so long. Don’t do this to yourself–you deserve as much happiness, and a full life as the rest of us.
Has anyone ever told you that if you looked up co-dependent in the dictionary, you’d find a picture of yourself?
I don’t blame your aunts for refusing to take care of your mother, why should they? That doesn’t mean you have to do it, or anyone should do it. You don’t owe her a thing, she owes you for about 24 years of psychological abuse.
Your “sacrifice” of taking care of your mother is enabling her to lie in bed all day screaming orders. She’s helpless because she can be. The only chance your mother has to get well is if you walk out of the house without leaving a forwarding address. Doesn’t mean that she’ll get well if you leave, but she’s certainly not going to change as long as she has you for a slave. Get as far away as you can.
Then get a new aide. Take charge, baby! If you don’t get the help you need from the people around you, get new people.
Oh, come on, Lemur. She can’t just dump her mom and run. Her mom can’t move without help.
I’m not saying she should, but… why can’t she? What would happen if she did? For that matter, what would happen if she died, or became seriously ill? Her mother wouldn’t starve to death, would she?
Because she’s a woman with compassion and a feeling of duty? Yes, her mother has problems, and yes, DoperChic has been sucked into the vortex, but Christ, folks. She wants to help her mother, not disappear from her life.
I will repeat myself…DoperChic needs to get more medical help for her mom and see about counseling as well. As for the rest of the family, if they can’t donate time, can they donate money?
Compassion, sure. The duty is long since fulfilled.
I’m just saying that maybe the two are one and the same. Maybe, not definitely.
Then I guess she can just dump her mom and walk.
Seriously, though, this is obviously not going to be easy for anyone involved. DoperChic is extra stuck because her sisters have figured out who they need to take care of first: themselves. That doesn’t give them the right to expect DoperChic to take up their slack, but they’re also not obligated to make sure DoperChic is taking care of herself.
DoperChic: you need to take care of yourself first. You need to make sure that you are a healthy, happy human being. That is priority #1. Then, to the extent that you can fit it in and it doesn’t interfere with priority #1 (and any other priorities, like a fiance, that you might rank as priorities #2-X), take care of your mother.
To the extent that the caretaking you can do doesn’t cover what your mother needs, find someone else to do it. Start with your mother, tell your sisters, engage home health aides or nursing homes or government assistance or whatever. Tell them (don’t ask) what you’re able to do, then ask them how they’d like to handle the rest of it. Give them a deadline. Stick to it. Do as much as you’ve said you’d do, and no more.
It’s going to suck. Your mom is going to hate you, or at least sound a lot like it. Your sisters are probably going to be upset that they can’t rely on you to assuage their concerns, but that’s not your problem.
Everyone involved has choices to make, and your choices are not dependent on the choices other people make. You can choose to be a martyr, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Choose to live your life. It’s the best gift you can give to yourself as well as your mother, your fiance, and the rest of your family.
Why can’t DoperChic abandon her mother? Of course she can and should.
Look, Mom is committing slow motion suicide here, and taking everyone down with her. She’s decided to eat herself to death. Staying around to watch her kill herself slowly isn’t going to help anyone, not even Mom.
If Mom is truly totally disabled then she can live in a nursing home. She doesn’t deserve one ounce more help from DoperChic. This is a girl who’s been forced to take care of her mother since she was ten years old! Her mother is an abusive vampire and the sooner DoperChic can get shut of her the better.
Okay, it sounds like we’re coming at this from different angles. We’re both saying DoperChic needs to get her mom help, since she’s drowning. I misunderstood and thought you were advocating she walk out the door and leave Mom in the lurch.
DoperChic definitely needs to get more professional help for her mother.
That’s a bullshit excuse for them to evade THEIR duty/responsibility.
My sister was in medical school AND raising two kids, one with serious medical issues, and was STILL able to put it all on hold and drive 300 miles to Detroit to help take care of our parents last spring when they were ill with pnemonia. Granted, I had to do the lion’s share of taking care of them for two months, but my other sister, who also has two kids and is now divorced who doesn’t even own a car STILL managed to cover the 90 miles between her home and mom & dad every other day just to give me a break. Hell, half the time she brought groceries with her.
THAT’s what families are supposed to do for each other. “Cannot step in to help” - what a load of bullshit. It’s an EXCUSE.
Get the hell out of there - what good is this “family” to you? Will they be there when YOU need it?
Try it again. Keep trying until you succeed.
In other words, she sabotages efforts to help her.
Tell me - did she “sabotage” her leg wound, too? Shocking thought, isn’t it? But what better way to ensure her continued dependence and your continue sympathy?
Then GET AN APARTMENT.
Stop waiting for “perfect”. Perfect never comes. Go for “better than what I have now.” Honestly, you’d be better off living with a “Leave It to Beaver” family that with your mother.
I’ve been married 16 years. We still don’t have a house. So what? We have each other.